The Seed Buried Alive?

The hermit did not get the job with the Office of Development.

With many years of experience in the public sector and in doing interviews, the vibes could read between the lines. A new angle was presented which was not in the job description or first interview. But a friend who knows the situation said she could have told me, had she known the personalities involved, that I would never get that job. I guess I knew it, but it was worth casting the net.

A possibility was tossed out for consultant work, in developing what was termed "basic" programs for the "common folk."

My financial advisor, a very devout Catholic and outstanding businessman, did not take to being considered only capable of basic and for the common folk. So it goes. It is a mindset here. Obviously, my comrades and I do not fit the bill for basic and common folk.

We are souls, and as souls, we are thirsting for more and capable of all that God intends, which is far more than basic. In fact, as a possibility thinker, and one who loves the verse in Hebrews that we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed but of those who have faith and possess life--this hermit is convinced that anyone can be led to the base of the holy mountain, and with encouragement and some tips, can begin the climb, and keep climbing, and climbing and reach the pinnacle.

Yes, this is what God desires for souls, even common folk souls.

Other friends have advised me to not help develop basic programs for the common folk (even if this would ever become a solid offer), for if not allowed to implement the program, the past experience has been, and statistically so in program development, that the program is not as successful, and if not successful, the blame is cast on the project writer. But it is probably nothing to busy my mind with, anyway.

The hermit must decide to either cast another net in this Diocese, cast a net in a different Diocese, or give up and give in.

Perhaps this is what God wants, after all, for this hermit: to be buried alive.

This recent net hauled up (and I had to query the Office in order to find out; otherwise the net would remain in the water with the dead fish bloating and decaying) has yielded dead floaters. It was more shovelfuls of dirt tossed in over the seed lying in the little hole, still able to see light and feel the rain and absorb the air without having to do so through soil enwrapment.

There is an on-fire parish in Greenville, SC: St. Mary Church. Oh, how I salivate over their website. Part of me wonders if I should e-mail and inquire if they would be open to a hermit, non-canonical but privately avowed and consecrated--a hermit who does not look the type, who has skills and experience in the spiritual life but remains hidden behind a facade of culture clothing, smiles, and well-trained manners, who is capable of social and cultural chit chat when required, and who otherwise is an immolation in suffering and prayer, in silence and penance.

But, my financial advisor does not like the idea since I just plunked quite an investment in Agnus Dei. Could I go part of the year, invest in a condo downtown Greenville? Is it time for a road-trip or a query letter? Probably not yet. Not sure I'm ready for more dirt to be tossed over my seediness. Not ready to be buried alive, to have that avenue halted.

Over a year ago I tried to drive there, but the transmission mysteriously had a rare break-apart, and when it was repaired and I tried to leave again, it immediately broke apart again, with pieces falling apart, and my mechanic confused as to why, and the man repairing it having a heart attack. I rode the city bus for several weeks, awaiting the car to be repaired. Finally, the weather was too bad to attempt a road trip to Greenville, SC. Then the process began to anchor down here, where I am being buried alive, where in the past 12 years every single net cast, every apostolate attempted, has ended up with nothing but dead, bloated, floater fish.

Today I called the diocese paper editor. I suggested a column I have in mind to help further the Lord's desire for contemplative life--at least a smidgeon of it--dangled out there for the active Catholics. Yes, the paper is mostly if not all about active life. So I mentioned some thoughts and ideas, but when I said I would desire my pen name be used, he seemed to balk. He didn't seem to comprehend why a hermit would desire hiddenness, particularly in his own Nazareth. But, he said to send a proposal, and they would meet in November, and he would need to run it by the Bishop, and he was unsure about using a pen name (even though I explained how it works and why, and how it was no problem in a neighboring city newspaper when I wrote a weekly column prior to my conversion).

The conversation felt like another shovel was being loaded with dirt, ready to be thrown over my seedhole.

Perhaps I should query a different Diocese for that, also. Unless I am to acquiesce to suffocation, to being buried alive, to die once and for all.