The Hermit Turns Around

The other day the hermit met with the VG. In addition to reporting what is gleaned regarding non-canonical and canonical approval for hermits, and concluding that non-canonical status is as valid and verified by the Church, we discussed the comment that I cannot base friendships on my therapeutic needs.

What he meant was not my mental or emotional state, which he does comprehend goes under spiritual assault as well as depletion through high levels of physical pain. It was an honest statement, he said, of healthy friendships not based on problems.

But, I countered, I had talked with various long-time friends, and our friendships are based on our therapeutic needs, it seems.

He commented on all the married couples he has counseled in years of being a [exemplary, I add] priest, and they are at each other with problems to an extent that they don't seem capable of much else. He'd like them to just be able to take a walk together, to have some fun, to not be all about their problems. So he said friendship should have the element of relaxation, of fun.

But, I countered, I do not have fun. Nothing is fun. Going to a ballgame would not be fun for the sitting is painful. Going to a wedding is not fun, for all is physical pain. I did concede that some activities are less painful than others, or at least provide more distraction, are charitable. I pointed out that focus on the spiritual is fun for me.

Then I told him how at Mass the other day, I looked up at Jesus on His Cross and said, "Lord, my friendship with you has been always and still is--based on my therapeutic needs. You died for my therapeutic needs."

The Vicar General smiled at this and wisely said that this is true, but this was true because He is God. Then a light came on; I could see the light above his head and in his eyes. He said maybe if he explained it like prayer--that healthy prayer is not all petitions but also thanksgivings.

Ah! The hermit turned around. All became clear. I had been so very, very wrong--for years!

Throughout the day and night, insights came to the hermit at Agnus Dei. Friendship is prayer. One must approach others--loved ones, friends, strangers--as one approaches God, for all people are made in the image and likeness of God, whether or not they behave as such. They are MADE for Christ whether or not they live for Him. But the hermit's approach must be as the hermit approaches God in prayer.

The acronym learned long ago flushed forward: ACTS. Adoration, contrition, thanksgiving, supplication. These are considered the components of healthy prayer, of Godly prayer.

One approaches the other with appreciation and adoration of human life. One approaches the other and offers contrition for being less than the other, and repents of any hurts or failures in the relationship caused by the one to the other. One give thanks for all the joys shared in life, with the other, of the other's life, in sorrows and joys--much thanksgiving! Then one brings forth supplications, requests, needs, and here the talking over of problems.

When these components are taken in percentages, only 25% should be discussion of problems or therapeutic needs. Only 25% should be in feeling the sorrow of not being as good as one could or ought, of begging forgiveness, of considering oneself less than the other. The remaining 50% deal with praise, thanksgiving, appreciation, adoration: much love and joy.

How different would relationships be if married couples approached each other in God, in a relationship of prayer. What about the change in approach to teenage children--or anyone?

The hermit notices now the e-mails and blogs, all writing, the one daily phone conversation: What is the percentage breakdown? What is the balance, if much at all?

Then the other night my angel was with me in a dream, and I was shown--not in cruel or chastising way but as matter of information and having the reality sink in--the past years and years of relating with others based on my problems mostly, and some on theirs.

Yes, the hermit's life has been rather tragic, but the novel is not finished yet. The main character may not be overcome in the end, after all. There is hope, despite demonic assaults and spiritual despairs, despite intractible, high-level, physical pain.

There is love. There is relationship with others, with creation, as prayer.

The next morning I had one of the best confessions in a long time, for I could tell the VG just how thankful I am for the inspired wisdom he shared, and for how life-altering. I explained friendships in the order of the four components of prayer. I said I could develop a workshop around it, even, but at least and most it will change my life. I exclaimed that now I can have healthy friendships, can have Catholic friends in addition to the long-time Protestant friends, can relate with strangers and loved ones and enemies alike, not focusing on problems or pain.

I also said that I comprehend all the more that a hermit, in the same "genre" as religious and priests, cannot have friendships in general in which one lets the hair hang down. No, it is to be relationships of selflessness. This is one of the Nine S', for pity's sake! Selflessness! The balance Jesus kept with Judas up until death, and probably beyond in His mercy, gives example of friendship as prayer, as holy relationship no matter what.

How many years I have been so negative, so unbalanced in problems, my own and others'. It is wrong. I am so sorry. But not without adoration and thanksgiving of forgiveness for error.

Adoration, appreciation, contrition, meekness, thanksgiving, joys, supplications, therapeutic needs. It is all there, in order, and to be kept in holy balance.

The VG smiled and said he was glad he could be good for something. This soul is genuinely meek and a pillar of the Holy Spirit, full of the virtues to observe and emulate. I laugh thinking how I am the good-for-nothing, being formed in the Sacrament of Reconciliation by a good-for-something.