Yes, as a hermit of a different diocese informed me, and now verified by a canon lawyer, in order to be "canonically" consecrated, one must have nullity of marriage. However, private consecration does not require the annulment.
The next step, then, is for me to activate my annulment file at the Tribunal. I have made the call, and they are checking the file to make sure all information is up-to-date regarding witnesses. Sadly, the only witness who knew me before my marriage and during the marriage, knowing my ex-husband, is a woman with severe pain in her wrists and who cannot write without great difficulty. (She has pain elsewhere from a virus that settled years ago and caused permanent damage.) Hopefully she can do this writing required on whatever forms.
It is, at minimum, an act of charity for my ex-husband who has been remarried for years, in case he would ever desire to convert to Catholicism. He hates Catholicism, but in God all things are possible such as changes of heart and mind.
The physical suffering continues to be immense to the point of difficult to manage the attitude and to not despair, but one must simply keep going. The priest, the canon lawyer, and I had breakfast, as he is returning to Nigeria soon, and he said that a job such as working for the Office of Spiritual Develpment would, in his view, be quite consistent with my hermit rule of life. Yes, it would incorporate some solitude, but definitely stability, selflessness and very much suffering, for I would suffer much in enduring the consistency of the work when the pain is high.
Now I must try to plant two or three plants in the Mary Garden, and then rest again using ice packs. These seem the best for ameliorating the pain. I am increasing almsgiving and trying to be proactive in attempts to stave off despair. During the night I e-mailed another priest who somewhat knows my interior life and circumstances, although he cannot comprehend what it is like, for only those within their bodies can comprehend suffering for themselves. However, I did emphatically state that only God can sustain me, and that God is enough. I'm back to that.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Tis True
I can see now that the designation, the validation, the ceremony, the habit, the being set apart and maybe even respected and known for the life one is to lead if a consecrated eremitic, is all very important. It is a good for a diocese to have hermits who they offer as a sign of that life.
But this is not what God is allowing in my life, here. Maybe some day, but I doubt it. Here the eremitic life is not viewed, or else I am not viewed, as necessary in that particular structure. My spiritual father called, and I explained how much pain I am in, and this not only physical but Catholic pain. I said they are not taking my vocation seriously, and yet God continues to slice away, heading me deeper into my dual vocations.
He says he supposes not, that they don't take it seriously. But if God does, then I must, too.
But this is not what God is allowing in my life, here. Maybe some day, but I doubt it. Here the eremitic life is not viewed, or else I am not viewed, as necessary in that particular structure. My spiritual father called, and I explained how much pain I am in, and this not only physical but Catholic pain. I said they are not taking my vocation seriously, and yet God continues to slice away, heading me deeper into my dual vocations.
He says he supposes not, that they don't take it seriously. But if God does, then I must, too.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
About Face
This is the name of another rose, and perhaps I should see if the store still has it.
My adult daughter called, and she gave input that she thinks a hermit should be recognized as a hermit, wear a habit, and be known as "the hermit" in a diocese, for it would help others to learn what this vocation entails and for the hermit to be more in kind with other consecrated religious brothers and sisters.
My daughter is not a Catholic, and so this is an interesting opinion and view.
I can see it very much, and I could do an "about face", but in my journey thus far, it seems as if the Lord keeps asking for death, death, death and more death to self and more hiddeness.
As for negativity, as non-entity status and dying include suffering in the process, I admit to much pain these days. Pain radiates, and it is all I can do to plant a few flowers doing deep breathing, and praying, and wondering how I can endure much more.
Then thoughts turn to my casting nets back into the world, even the Catholic world, and it seems ridiculous to keep the net out there, waiting. The responsible action would be to pull it up, letting the folks know that I probably cannot physically handle a full-time job.
Is this God directing me? It seems so. Yet, I persist, and even my daughter says to just wait, that they might not have me for another interview, or if the Bishop sees my name on the list, he might say "no" right then and there.
I am going to call the priest from India and see if we can talk. It would do well for me to just talk some things over, and this is the priest who pinpointed some aspects of my soul, such as the emotional healing needed and the loneliness, and also pointed out aspects of hermit life that are very positive.
When I commented to a woman of the beautiful prayer for healing, she thought it was for the emotional pain of the divorce years ago. I said, "No, that is handled. It is for the persecution and pain of events in the last twelve years of my Catholic existence!" Yes, all that does need healing for damaged emotions.
I'm not convinced I am to strive for anything public in my own hermit life, but I am open to an about face if God so wills.
My adult daughter called, and she gave input that she thinks a hermit should be recognized as a hermit, wear a habit, and be known as "the hermit" in a diocese, for it would help others to learn what this vocation entails and for the hermit to be more in kind with other consecrated religious brothers and sisters.
My daughter is not a Catholic, and so this is an interesting opinion and view.
I can see it very much, and I could do an "about face", but in my journey thus far, it seems as if the Lord keeps asking for death, death, death and more death to self and more hiddeness.
As for negativity, as non-entity status and dying include suffering in the process, I admit to much pain these days. Pain radiates, and it is all I can do to plant a few flowers doing deep breathing, and praying, and wondering how I can endure much more.
Then thoughts turn to my casting nets back into the world, even the Catholic world, and it seems ridiculous to keep the net out there, waiting. The responsible action would be to pull it up, letting the folks know that I probably cannot physically handle a full-time job.
Is this God directing me? It seems so. Yet, I persist, and even my daughter says to just wait, that they might not have me for another interview, or if the Bishop sees my name on the list, he might say "no" right then and there.
I am going to call the priest from India and see if we can talk. It would do well for me to just talk some things over, and this is the priest who pinpointed some aspects of my soul, such as the emotional healing needed and the loneliness, and also pointed out aspects of hermit life that are very positive.
When I commented to a woman of the beautiful prayer for healing, she thought it was for the emotional pain of the divorce years ago. I said, "No, that is handled. It is for the persecution and pain of events in the last twelve years of my Catholic existence!" Yes, all that does need healing for damaged emotions.
I'm not convinced I am to strive for anything public in my own hermit life, but I am open to an about face if God so wills.
Non-entity of Hermit Vocation
Now, some may think this sounds absolutely awful, but it seems a reality, and I appreciate reality therapy.
The hermit vocation is a veritable non-entity in the views of most, of nearly all, even in the Church.
Yes, it is written in the Catechism, there is a Canon Law that is applicable, there are saints who have hermit status, and there are a minutia of canonically approved, known hermits in the world.
But the remaining souls who are called to the life are veritable non-entities in the non-entity status of their vocation.
It is such a non-entity that a response to a request is long in coming, if it ever arrives in the post. An appointment to discuss the vocation, is not of much consequence or importance to the degree that it keeps being put off until "sometime".
Yes, we can talk about it "sometime".
Now, this may to some in the vocation seem like an insult or a negativity. It is not!
It only verifies all the more the vocation for what it is: non-entity status. A hermit's life is so hidden, so undefinable, so inconsequential, so non-this and non-that as to be nothing and worthy of only good-for-nothings.
It is the life and work of a slave to a servant. There is no need to rise up in ire, to take offense, to counter that there is worth and value and to try to make the world, even the Catholic world see and understand and validate the vocation. There is no reason to "fight" for status, canonical or non-canonical, either one. There is no need for a support team to encourage sticking with trying to be made "credible" in the eyes of anyone on earth. What is the point? This is not part of the vocation, for the vocation itself is hidden in God through dying into nothingness.
The status is thus as a non-entity which is no status at all. And this is a positive.
The handmaid of the Handmaid of the Lord has little to say about household matters. The handmaid of the Lord, a slave to a servant, has no support group or handmaid of handmaids labor union--no HHLU--to advocate or demand rights and entity status. It is not necessary; it is not part of the job description.
Perhaps in the other world a hermit has status. Yes, I am told by one who knows more than humans that the hermit life is one that God values very much. A few mortals honor this, but it is not necessary to seek notice or a place on earth in the vocation where no place is necessary.
When on the other side, some day, the vocation of hermit will not need validation or recognition, for the ways and views of man on earth are not those of God.
Consider the seed crushed in the ground.
The hermit vocation is a veritable non-entity in the views of most, of nearly all, even in the Church.
Yes, it is written in the Catechism, there is a Canon Law that is applicable, there are saints who have hermit status, and there are a minutia of canonically approved, known hermits in the world.
But the remaining souls who are called to the life are veritable non-entities in the non-entity status of their vocation.
It is such a non-entity that a response to a request is long in coming, if it ever arrives in the post. An appointment to discuss the vocation, is not of much consequence or importance to the degree that it keeps being put off until "sometime".
Yes, we can talk about it "sometime".
Now, this may to some in the vocation seem like an insult or a negativity. It is not!
It only verifies all the more the vocation for what it is: non-entity status. A hermit's life is so hidden, so undefinable, so inconsequential, so non-this and non-that as to be nothing and worthy of only good-for-nothings.
It is the life and work of a slave to a servant. There is no need to rise up in ire, to take offense, to counter that there is worth and value and to try to make the world, even the Catholic world see and understand and validate the vocation. There is no reason to "fight" for status, canonical or non-canonical, either one. There is no need for a support team to encourage sticking with trying to be made "credible" in the eyes of anyone on earth. What is the point? This is not part of the vocation, for the vocation itself is hidden in God through dying into nothingness.
The status is thus as a non-entity which is no status at all. And this is a positive.
The handmaid of the Handmaid of the Lord has little to say about household matters. The handmaid of the Lord, a slave to a servant, has no support group or handmaid of handmaids labor union--no HHLU--to advocate or demand rights and entity status. It is not necessary; it is not part of the job description.
Perhaps in the other world a hermit has status. Yes, I am told by one who knows more than humans that the hermit life is one that God values very much. A few mortals honor this, but it is not necessary to seek notice or a place on earth in the vocation where no place is necessary.
When on the other side, some day, the vocation of hermit will not need validation or recognition, for the ways and views of man on earth are not those of God.
Consider the seed crushed in the ground.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Just When You Thought It Was Safe....
Yes, the mad-shark complete hermit is chronicling the journey through the deep seas of hermit life, once again.
It is therapy for me to write, and I write as a journal-ist, and that means that it is the gut-level truth--from my perspective. I am not an advertising agent for wanna-be-hermits. What I write may not encourage another soul to the hermit life. And why should it?
Hermits are not about numbers, although it certainly appears to be rather a trendy thing to say one is a hermit. I do not speak of it except in a necessity, such as when I interviewed for a position in the Office of Spiritual Development. It came up in the context of whether or not I could physically do the job, and I had to consider if I could do it and still practice the Nine S', particularly silence and solitude. But, with 40 hours out of the week, the time in solitude would still be 76%--and that if I were around people all the time in the job, which is not the case. However, I do not think the full-time work to be God's will for me. I may be wrong.
Mostly I speak of being a hermit to myself, for I need the reminder and the kind of shock treatment to say the word: hermit. I did not chose this. And that is how some vocations come about: not by one's own will. When I mentioned to the VG after Mass one day that I am interviewing, he seemed a bit amused. I asked, "How many times did Jonah avoid going to Ninevah?" He laughed aloud at that.
For the most part this week, I have been ill with physical suffering and yet more despair. The intensity of the pain can wreak havoc with the body and the mind. When not able to eat without much pain, I then get into bed with an ice pack for the back and the abdomen. I also then think how ridiculous and irresponsible of me to have done a good job in the interview considering the body, and somewhat the mind, are not highly inclined to the work. For one thing, I was asked in the interview if I'd be willing to have my name more in the public light. I said I would if it was necessary for the "cause", but that most of the time it is not necessary to have one's name in the paper or to be noticed, for a goal of spiritual development is to help OTHERS develop spiritually.
What I think I could do, and if I get to the final interview with the Bishop I will say this, is to be a spiritual guide or encourager for others. Sort of a spiritual counselor. I do not presume to consider myself a spiritual director. That seems best left to priests. And, I could be a spiritual guide on an as-needed basis. I truthfully do not think a full-time job in an office, even if the hours are flexible as I've been told, is realistic for my circumstances.
Another net to cast is to make an appointment (when I feel well enough to pitch the spiel) with the Diocese newspaper editor and see if I could (anonymously or with my pen name) write a column on contemplative life or even hermit life. That I could do with the flexibililty necessary.
However, perhaps I limit God. We all do, really. Perhaps God will have it such that I can function ably enough or even superbly enough to "do it all." I know that there have been sickly types in the past who accomplish far more than able-bodied folks. It is a matter of faith and of doing God's will. If something is God's will, then nothing can hinder except our lack of faith and cooperation.
Bl. Charles de Foucald, in the book Meditations of a Hermit, writes of his great love and joy of being alone with God, and that he doesn' t like morning to come for he has to give up the alone time somewhat and attend to tasks. He lived in the Sahara as a hermit and loved the solitude. He was near a village of the Musselman tribe, but he still was very much alone.
I am not at that point yet, and perhaps God does not intend for me to be that isolated. This is why I am casting the nets. One must (or at least this one) feel one's way into the hermit life, to know what is God's desire at certain stages, unless one is told outright. Peace and doors opening, and joy, and the capability to do what it is that God desires, are sure signs of God's will. He puts fish in the net when He wills.
He also allows obstacles. There can be holes in the net that need mending. Or timing--such as to go out again and cast the net again on the right side of the boat. Peace and joy and doors opening and the capability to follow through and fish in the net might not happen right away.
It has occurred to me more than once in the past weeks that despairs may also be part of the hermit life for some, and that these may be God's will in their own right, for despairs, if one makes it through them, can be as a torn net mended.
It is therapy for me to write, and I write as a journal-ist, and that means that it is the gut-level truth--from my perspective. I am not an advertising agent for wanna-be-hermits. What I write may not encourage another soul to the hermit life. And why should it?
Hermits are not about numbers, although it certainly appears to be rather a trendy thing to say one is a hermit. I do not speak of it except in a necessity, such as when I interviewed for a position in the Office of Spiritual Development. It came up in the context of whether or not I could physically do the job, and I had to consider if I could do it and still practice the Nine S', particularly silence and solitude. But, with 40 hours out of the week, the time in solitude would still be 76%--and that if I were around people all the time in the job, which is not the case. However, I do not think the full-time work to be God's will for me. I may be wrong.
Mostly I speak of being a hermit to myself, for I need the reminder and the kind of shock treatment to say the word: hermit. I did not chose this. And that is how some vocations come about: not by one's own will. When I mentioned to the VG after Mass one day that I am interviewing, he seemed a bit amused. I asked, "How many times did Jonah avoid going to Ninevah?" He laughed aloud at that.
For the most part this week, I have been ill with physical suffering and yet more despair. The intensity of the pain can wreak havoc with the body and the mind. When not able to eat without much pain, I then get into bed with an ice pack for the back and the abdomen. I also then think how ridiculous and irresponsible of me to have done a good job in the interview considering the body, and somewhat the mind, are not highly inclined to the work. For one thing, I was asked in the interview if I'd be willing to have my name more in the public light. I said I would if it was necessary for the "cause", but that most of the time it is not necessary to have one's name in the paper or to be noticed, for a goal of spiritual development is to help OTHERS develop spiritually.
What I think I could do, and if I get to the final interview with the Bishop I will say this, is to be a spiritual guide or encourager for others. Sort of a spiritual counselor. I do not presume to consider myself a spiritual director. That seems best left to priests. And, I could be a spiritual guide on an as-needed basis. I truthfully do not think a full-time job in an office, even if the hours are flexible as I've been told, is realistic for my circumstances.
Another net to cast is to make an appointment (when I feel well enough to pitch the spiel) with the Diocese newspaper editor and see if I could (anonymously or with my pen name) write a column on contemplative life or even hermit life. That I could do with the flexibililty necessary.
However, perhaps I limit God. We all do, really. Perhaps God will have it such that I can function ably enough or even superbly enough to "do it all." I know that there have been sickly types in the past who accomplish far more than able-bodied folks. It is a matter of faith and of doing God's will. If something is God's will, then nothing can hinder except our lack of faith and cooperation.
Bl. Charles de Foucald, in the book Meditations of a Hermit, writes of his great love and joy of being alone with God, and that he doesn' t like morning to come for he has to give up the alone time somewhat and attend to tasks. He lived in the Sahara as a hermit and loved the solitude. He was near a village of the Musselman tribe, but he still was very much alone.
I am not at that point yet, and perhaps God does not intend for me to be that isolated. This is why I am casting the nets. One must (or at least this one) feel one's way into the hermit life, to know what is God's desire at certain stages, unless one is told outright. Peace and doors opening, and joy, and the capability to do what it is that God desires, are sure signs of God's will. He puts fish in the net when He wills.
He also allows obstacles. There can be holes in the net that need mending. Or timing--such as to go out again and cast the net again on the right side of the boat. Peace and joy and doors opening and the capability to follow through and fish in the net might not happen right away.
It has occurred to me more than once in the past weeks that despairs may also be part of the hermit life for some, and that these may be God's will in their own right, for despairs, if one makes it through them, can be as a torn net mended.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Blogging Off
I'm going to be blogging off for awhile if not permanently. The blog began as a kind of private exercise in the process of learning what it is to be a complete hermit, from an incomplete hermit's viewpoint.
In the past week, much movement has occurred to help me become less incomplete, and I have discerned that my more completeness calls for more solitude and silence. One major hurdle that I grapple with is the sense of isolation, and the dying to self, which is necessary, or should be, for hermit life.
I have learned that one can be a privately consescrated hermit, and that is what I will be. As the week wore on, the complexities of public consecration did not settle well in my soul. Hiddenness became a great force, and writing a blog, although anonymously so, is not hidden enough for me at this juncture point.
I want to live the life of the nine s'. Even as far as annulments go (although I doubt it would be required since St. Nicholas of Flue was a hermit and yet had a wife and children living, who agreed to his going off to his mountain hut), and baptismal certificates and resumes, I am going to live the life of a privately consecrated hermit with few if any knowing what my life hidden in God is about. If they notice something of Christ through this window, or wonder about my little place here, Agnus Dei, I can share if it is necessary or charitable for them to know.
I am praying much that God will see me through to the other side of the agony of dying to self, of the emptying out from "doing". Even seeing the numerous blogs and sites of hermits on the internet rather sickened me, for it says we want to be heard and known, after all, like corpses with after-death reflex reaction, jerking back into the world. It is foolishness, really. So to die to the blog writing is my next step.
The goal is accomplished, anyway, as I have a far better idea of what is a complete hermit.
In the past week, much movement has occurred to help me become less incomplete, and I have discerned that my more completeness calls for more solitude and silence. One major hurdle that I grapple with is the sense of isolation, and the dying to self, which is necessary, or should be, for hermit life.
I have learned that one can be a privately consescrated hermit, and that is what I will be. As the week wore on, the complexities of public consecration did not settle well in my soul. Hiddenness became a great force, and writing a blog, although anonymously so, is not hidden enough for me at this juncture point.
I want to live the life of the nine s'. Even as far as annulments go (although I doubt it would be required since St. Nicholas of Flue was a hermit and yet had a wife and children living, who agreed to his going off to his mountain hut), and baptismal certificates and resumes, I am going to live the life of a privately consecrated hermit with few if any knowing what my life hidden in God is about. If they notice something of Christ through this window, or wonder about my little place here, Agnus Dei, I can share if it is necessary or charitable for them to know.
I am praying much that God will see me through to the other side of the agony of dying to self, of the emptying out from "doing". Even seeing the numerous blogs and sites of hermits on the internet rather sickened me, for it says we want to be heard and known, after all, like corpses with after-death reflex reaction, jerking back into the world. It is foolishness, really. So to die to the blog writing is my next step.
The goal is accomplished, anyway, as I have a far better idea of what is a complete hermit.
Stepping on the Queenship of Mary
Twenty-three years ago was the life-altering car accident. Twelve years ago was the life-altering conversion to Catholicism! Jesus superimposed resurrection over crucifixion.
This morning I went to confession with a very spiritually-endowed, young priest from Goa. He is formed in Ignatian and Dominican spirituality but is a diocese priest. His soul imbues healing and peace from Christ, and today he emphasized in such simplicity and purity of heart and faith: go to Mother Mary and say, "Here I am, Mother. Here I am." And she will intercede today for all my needs.
I cannot replicate in words what the Holy Spirit said through this priest, and the manner in which the words became Word.
Again, I realize that my writing is stream-of-consciousness. I am also very much a realist and in most senses, a journal-ist. I write it how it is from my experience and view, and that view is informed by suffering. To write otherwise seems untrue, as I am merely writing my journey into hermit life. It is not the journey of others, and it is in progress. The jury is still out on this hermit regarding "status". Yes, I am a hermit, I realize now. The label fits and sticks from here on out. Yet I may not be a canonically approved hermit. I may be a non-canonical hermit. In deeper prayer, and today especially with Mother Mary interceding before Jesus on my behalf, there will be answers to His will on this point: formal consecration in and by the Church or informal consecration in His Heart with Mother Mary as witness.
Seems as if most spiritual events in my life have been of the latter form. I know this does not help the cause of canonically approved hermits and gaining the place in the Church that is rightfully theirs. They should be understood, not persecuted as odd or not as valid as consecrated religious brothers and sisters in communities and orders.
A friend has argued this point with me many times, as she, a life-long Catholic, just can't accept that a hermit culled out of the lay state could possibly be in like category as a nun.
I realize that she and the couple of others who know of my vocation, as well as perhaps the VG and Bishop, might not take seriously the vocation since their experience has been with priests in monasteries who became hermits in later life. Somehow none of it bothers me. I don't have any deep urge to convince them, at least not at this stage. I have tried to explain it, but perhaps my answer lies within the detachment--or the contentment that for now seems within, to live the life as I have been for nearly seven years, but to live it with knowing that I am a hermit before God and mankind, what few of these know, but am non-canonical.
Last night I had a long visit with an elderly woman in the parking lot of the Cathedral after our holy hour for vocations. Of course, "hermits" are not mentioned in the prayers, but they are in the prayers, very hidden so much as to not be mentioned or thought of. I guess some hermits are to exist without the label, in such obscurity as to not even be a thought in most people's minds. The woman and I spoke of her sorrows in being dealt with unfairly by her parish priest and a parish employee, shut down from gardening as she had kept up gardens around the parish for years, until recently.... She considered fleeing to other parishes, but she instead has held her ground, so to speak, and is doing her gardening at home. She is waiting for some time in the future in which personnel may change, and she will once again be allowed to garden on the parish grounds. The chat we had was one in which I could encourage her, hug her, and share some of my experience, too, and that in some instances we need to move on, and in other instances to fall back into quiet and no resistance.
Would our conversation have been altered for better or worse had she known I am a hermit? I don't know and probably never will. It is not going to be an issue on my death bed, hopefully.
I wonder much about Mary in her years after Jesus ascended, when she was in the little stone house outside of Ephesus with her maidservant. For the most part, she fell back into quiet adn no resistance--into silence and penance. It truly seems God's will, as Mary was never outside His will.
Some paths have structure: borders, pergolas, arbors, pavers on top of crushed limestone with groundcovers inbetween. Other paths are so obscure as to need inner sight in order to find the opening into the woods, and strong arms to quietly but firmly push aside brush and branches, and eyes to watch where to place high-stepping, booted feet. These paths meander and explore possibilities; the former have defined direction, are planned out and laid in advance.
Today, thus far, I sense that I am to seek God as a Hermit on the brambled, uncharted path, one foot in front of the other, prayerful, each step.
This morning I went to confession with a very spiritually-endowed, young priest from Goa. He is formed in Ignatian and Dominican spirituality but is a diocese priest. His soul imbues healing and peace from Christ, and today he emphasized in such simplicity and purity of heart and faith: go to Mother Mary and say, "Here I am, Mother. Here I am." And she will intercede today for all my needs.
I cannot replicate in words what the Holy Spirit said through this priest, and the manner in which the words became Word.
Again, I realize that my writing is stream-of-consciousness. I am also very much a realist and in most senses, a journal-ist. I write it how it is from my experience and view, and that view is informed by suffering. To write otherwise seems untrue, as I am merely writing my journey into hermit life. It is not the journey of others, and it is in progress. The jury is still out on this hermit regarding "status". Yes, I am a hermit, I realize now. The label fits and sticks from here on out. Yet I may not be a canonically approved hermit. I may be a non-canonical hermit. In deeper prayer, and today especially with Mother Mary interceding before Jesus on my behalf, there will be answers to His will on this point: formal consecration in and by the Church or informal consecration in His Heart with Mother Mary as witness.
Seems as if most spiritual events in my life have been of the latter form. I know this does not help the cause of canonically approved hermits and gaining the place in the Church that is rightfully theirs. They should be understood, not persecuted as odd or not as valid as consecrated religious brothers and sisters in communities and orders.
A friend has argued this point with me many times, as she, a life-long Catholic, just can't accept that a hermit culled out of the lay state could possibly be in like category as a nun.
I realize that she and the couple of others who know of my vocation, as well as perhaps the VG and Bishop, might not take seriously the vocation since their experience has been with priests in monasteries who became hermits in later life. Somehow none of it bothers me. I don't have any deep urge to convince them, at least not at this stage. I have tried to explain it, but perhaps my answer lies within the detachment--or the contentment that for now seems within, to live the life as I have been for nearly seven years, but to live it with knowing that I am a hermit before God and mankind, what few of these know, but am non-canonical.
Last night I had a long visit with an elderly woman in the parking lot of the Cathedral after our holy hour for vocations. Of course, "hermits" are not mentioned in the prayers, but they are in the prayers, very hidden so much as to not be mentioned or thought of. I guess some hermits are to exist without the label, in such obscurity as to not even be a thought in most people's minds. The woman and I spoke of her sorrows in being dealt with unfairly by her parish priest and a parish employee, shut down from gardening as she had kept up gardens around the parish for years, until recently.... She considered fleeing to other parishes, but she instead has held her ground, so to speak, and is doing her gardening at home. She is waiting for some time in the future in which personnel may change, and she will once again be allowed to garden on the parish grounds. The chat we had was one in which I could encourage her, hug her, and share some of my experience, too, and that in some instances we need to move on, and in other instances to fall back into quiet and no resistance.
Would our conversation have been altered for better or worse had she known I am a hermit? I don't know and probably never will. It is not going to be an issue on my death bed, hopefully.
I wonder much about Mary in her years after Jesus ascended, when she was in the little stone house outside of Ephesus with her maidservant. For the most part, she fell back into quiet adn no resistance--into silence and penance. It truly seems God's will, as Mary was never outside His will.
Some paths have structure: borders, pergolas, arbors, pavers on top of crushed limestone with groundcovers inbetween. Other paths are so obscure as to need inner sight in order to find the opening into the woods, and strong arms to quietly but firmly push aside brush and branches, and eyes to watch where to place high-stepping, booted feet. These paths meander and explore possibilities; the former have defined direction, are planned out and laid in advance.
Today, thus far, I sense that I am to seek God as a Hermit on the brambled, uncharted path, one foot in front of the other, prayerful, each step.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Rule of Life of the Virgin Mary in Childhood
Reading this afternoon I came across the private revelation of the Blessed Virgin Mary's request for a rule of life from her teacher Anna and the old priest in the Temple.
The old priest gave Mary her rule of life while she remained on her knees before him.
"Pray always for the Temple of the Lord, for His people, and for the coming of the Messias. Retire to sleep at eight o'clock, and rise at dawn to praise the Lord until nine. During the day, as your teacher directs, engage in manual work and study the Scriptures. Take exercise before meals. In all things be humble, courteous and obedient."
Mary then asked for the priest's blessing and kissed his and Anna's hands. Then she willingly learned her new duties, lived her rule of life.
I believe it was Bl. Anne Catherine Emmerich to whom this private revelation was given by Mary, but it is cited in The Life of Mary as Seen by the Mystics (Brown).
Here we have yet another example of a rule of life, or plan of life as it is also called, and an example of a ceremonial rendering and reception of this rule. Yet the bulk of the private revelation deals with Mary's living out the rule she was given and agreed to.
The old priest gave Mary her rule of life while she remained on her knees before him.
"Pray always for the Temple of the Lord, for His people, and for the coming of the Messias. Retire to sleep at eight o'clock, and rise at dawn to praise the Lord until nine. During the day, as your teacher directs, engage in manual work and study the Scriptures. Take exercise before meals. In all things be humble, courteous and obedient."
Mary then asked for the priest's blessing and kissed his and Anna's hands. Then she willingly learned her new duties, lived her rule of life.
I believe it was Bl. Anne Catherine Emmerich to whom this private revelation was given by Mary, but it is cited in The Life of Mary as Seen by the Mystics (Brown).
Here we have yet another example of a rule of life, or plan of life as it is also called, and an example of a ceremonial rendering and reception of this rule. Yet the bulk of the private revelation deals with Mary's living out the rule she was given and agreed to.
Hermit as Window
I put into writing my simple rule of life, motto and mission, Scriptural basis, overview of daily activity, plus the private vow that could be the temporary vow. It took one page, with ample spaces. Such matters as a Tabernacle in my hermitage are bridges to be crossed later, if necessary. But I can at this time get to Mass, or someone could bring me the Eucharist. The main thing is for me to live the life daily and practice the nine s', and pray, work, and love, etc. I do not want to be singular or noticed, but that is my particular call in this vocation, and others have other calls by God for His purposes. To see me, no one would ever dream I am a hermit. That works best for this locale and clientele. Yet if necessary, I can discuss the vocation with others who may need or want to know about it, but most would not and do not. I am to be a simple view or window to heaven, and windows usually aren't explained, they just are there to see through.
Windows are a reminder of something beyond, a view of something more. They invite one to come close and glimpse out, or to stand and gaze for a long while, or sit and gaze. Sometimes people look out windows and their thoughts are so distracted that they do not see a thing other than what is in their thoughts. People can get used to windows to the point of not noticing what is beyond.
A hermit is to be a window to heaven, a window that reminds people to view what, basically, the Nine S' entail: silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessness, simplicity, stability, stillness and serenity. A hermit is to be a window to the other world, not the temporal world, but the spiritual realm where all souls will return and be placed in one level or another or another. The window treatments vary, and mine is not a distraction itself, but hopefully the window I am to be is the focal point. Not the external dressing or title. A friend last night commented that one should not wear the hermit life like a badge [blind, curtain?]. She has a point.
It is the window that provides the opening for others to see the view beyond, and "I" should not be that view. But, this comes under the "s" of "selflessness."
This morning I awoke and realized that I am a complete hermit. I have been, probably since I made private vows on Dec. 29, 2000 in that old and beautiful chapel, with my spiritual father receiving, and the beautiful anchoritic ceremony we had. There was no Mass, but perhaps it was like the wedding of a non-Catholic with a Catholic: a valid wedding but without a Mass.
Now I will attempt to validate further with my Vicar General, and the next Bishop, by offering those vows made as temporary vows. They may accept these years of living the life, even though I did not realize the label "hermit" for the bulk of the time. But if not, the living out of the vows continues just as a window remains. Sometimes it needs to be washed clear, however, and clarified.
I may or may not need to follow through on an annulment. The paper work has been filed for a few years, but priests advised me it was not necessary. Again, the VG and new Bishop will decide what they require and desire. I may be consecrated or perhaps not. If consecrated, I know it will be very private and low-key, meek and humble of heart. An intimate ceremony is as valid as a large celebration. If more than myself is present, and of course there would be the Bishop or his designee, there is thus an earthly witness.
St. Colette of Corbie, when sealed into her anchorhold, would have preferred anonymity, but the town turned out to watch the ceremony. But others, such as Maria of Olonets or those nameless hermits who have lived and died in obscurity, had few if any witnesses this side of their window. Is the hermit life one in which the means does justify the end? One must live the life and live it well, live out the rule that God, the hermit, and the superiors have agreed upon.
In the LaCrosse guidebook, many options and suggestions are given for forms, ceremonies, rites, vows, and rules of life (as I now know is interchangeable with the term "plan of life"). A guidebook is very helpful. One rule of life was given, so simple, to the effect: "I will live and pray in this place until God desires me to move elsewhere". I need more structure at this phase, but this rule for some other hermit sufficed.
Yes, I am a complete hermit, and now that this issue is resolved, I must live the rule better each moment. Wash my window regularly, be that window, encourage the looking through and out beyond, without distracting others from the view.
Windows are a reminder of something beyond, a view of something more. They invite one to come close and glimpse out, or to stand and gaze for a long while, or sit and gaze. Sometimes people look out windows and their thoughts are so distracted that they do not see a thing other than what is in their thoughts. People can get used to windows to the point of not noticing what is beyond.
A hermit is to be a window to heaven, a window that reminds people to view what, basically, the Nine S' entail: silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessness, simplicity, stability, stillness and serenity. A hermit is to be a window to the other world, not the temporal world, but the spiritual realm where all souls will return and be placed in one level or another or another. The window treatments vary, and mine is not a distraction itself, but hopefully the window I am to be is the focal point. Not the external dressing or title. A friend last night commented that one should not wear the hermit life like a badge [blind, curtain?]. She has a point.
It is the window that provides the opening for others to see the view beyond, and "I" should not be that view. But, this comes under the "s" of "selflessness."
This morning I awoke and realized that I am a complete hermit. I have been, probably since I made private vows on Dec. 29, 2000 in that old and beautiful chapel, with my spiritual father receiving, and the beautiful anchoritic ceremony we had. There was no Mass, but perhaps it was like the wedding of a non-Catholic with a Catholic: a valid wedding but without a Mass.
Now I will attempt to validate further with my Vicar General, and the next Bishop, by offering those vows made as temporary vows. They may accept these years of living the life, even though I did not realize the label "hermit" for the bulk of the time. But if not, the living out of the vows continues just as a window remains. Sometimes it needs to be washed clear, however, and clarified.
I may or may not need to follow through on an annulment. The paper work has been filed for a few years, but priests advised me it was not necessary. Again, the VG and new Bishop will decide what they require and desire. I may be consecrated or perhaps not. If consecrated, I know it will be very private and low-key, meek and humble of heart. An intimate ceremony is as valid as a large celebration. If more than myself is present, and of course there would be the Bishop or his designee, there is thus an earthly witness.
St. Colette of Corbie, when sealed into her anchorhold, would have preferred anonymity, but the town turned out to watch the ceremony. But others, such as Maria of Olonets or those nameless hermits who have lived and died in obscurity, had few if any witnesses this side of their window. Is the hermit life one in which the means does justify the end? One must live the life and live it well, live out the rule that God, the hermit, and the superiors have agreed upon.
In the LaCrosse guidebook, many options and suggestions are given for forms, ceremonies, rites, vows, and rules of life (as I now know is interchangeable with the term "plan of life"). A guidebook is very helpful. One rule of life was given, so simple, to the effect: "I will live and pray in this place until God desires me to move elsewhere". I need more structure at this phase, but this rule for some other hermit sufficed.
Yes, I am a complete hermit, and now that this issue is resolved, I must live the rule better each moment. Wash my window regularly, be that window, encourage the looking through and out beyond, without distracting others from the view.
Monday, August 20, 2007
What Caused Me to Become a Hermit?
The more thought and prayer, the more answers come. It is good to reflect for a time.
Someone has asked me how I became interested in pursuing the eremitical life. This is good for me to ponder, as it instills a surety in the vocation which given my recent upheavals, is helpful.
As most events in my life, the hermit vocation is wrought from suffering. I had already made vows of consecration to suffering. But prior to this event, I had by the grace of God and the instruction of the Virgin Mary, started a soup kitchen in a parish in a small town. It quickly grew, really miraculously so, and it branched and was very good. What was so amazing to me is that I could physically manage it, given my permanent disability of pain. I was so happy, for the first time in several years, as I felt fulfilled and useful, and doing God's will. People were benefitting, not just the elderly and infirm and poor, but the parishioners who had not interfaced often with the poor. Within a year, though, envy and obstacles prevailed. In summation, I was removed by circumstances and my spiritual director's command, given the horrendous evils and mean-spirited elements in some parishioners and priests. The culminating event was the parish priest's preaching the weekend homilies in detraction of me, using my name from the pulpit. My director ordered me to not go back until he was willing to speak to me. He spoke again two years later, in passing my house which was across the street from the parish. The pain of this event and the resultant shunning from the parishioners and the misunderstanding by the many Protestant family and friends, caused an emotional trauma in which I hibernated for good while. I had to screen calls with my answering machine, as I received hate calls from parishioners which really weren't as bad as the shunning from the bulk. Thankfully, the soup kitchen continued in a down-scaled manner, but continued due to the work of the core volunteers. In this time, I recalled some spiritual events years before, in which I was told that I would need to learn to hibernate for protection from the world. So I hibernated, prayed, and sought God's will in what He desired next.
I had begun a newsletter, Called to Suffer, but shortly thereafter stopped its publication due to lack of ease in printing it since I'd been blackballed from the Catholic publishing house where a friend had allowed me access to the copy machines. Anyway, you may gather that this was a major shut down, allowed by God, for my good, and I had to figure out what good.
In the solitude, other than my teen son being home most evenings after school but me in bed early due to pain, I noticed a letter to editor in a Catholic magazine, written by a hermit. I asked his address and wrote. He suggested some books and a newsletter for hermits of all backgrounds. This correspondence continued for three years, but by the grace of God I felt called to make some private vows with my spiritual director receiving them. We did so on the death date of my confirmation saint, Sister Josefa Menendez. I wrote about these vows in a previous post, and although I did not write about the ceremony, it was beautiful and adapted from an old anchoritic rite. My anchorhold had been blessed that afternoon, and it was all very private and peaceful. But I later sensed I needed more structure or formation.
The hermit correspondent kept declaring me too active to be a hermit. He was a recluse of sorts, but I noted he was quite proud of all he had written and gotten published. He also said he did not need a spiritual director, and was disobedient to the Church in attending Masses with a schismatic group, Society of Pius X. When I pointed this out, gently, he never wrote back again after I attempted two more contacts. I think a spiritual director is essential, as perhaps he would have corrected the pride and disobedience going on.
Within the next year I noticed an advertisement for a community of hermits. My spiritual director gave the o.k. to apply. That year was one of formation in the eremitic life, although the foundress did not have enough solidified in the community and did not steer me as my Diocese requires, in the approach to the Bishop. I was told to wear a habit after my first profession as a novice, and then approach my Bishop. This was not proper, although she said other hermits were not having trouble. But I did as she said, and all hell broke loose. The parishioners across the street wrote letters to the Bishop, unbeknown to me, and the Diocese began an investigation of which I learned two months later when the priest began to speak with me, following my approach to him regarding the increased ire of his parishioners. Yes, I told him I was concerned about them, and when he asked "Why?", I said, "They are not behaving as Christians." The story unfolded as to what I was doing, quietly and in obedience, and he told me of the investigation and what would happen to me. Another priest told me I had to move out of town. This was hardly feasible with my son weeks away from going to college, and my house needing major renovation before it could be sold, and me without funds. My son became increasingly bitter, and one morning prior to his leaving for college, I bagged the habit and withdrew from the novitiate of this hermit community. The community was a good idea in concept, and I think it is growing, but at the time, it just wasn't meant to be for me, obviously. The foundress was irked, and this did not settle well with me, for it seemed she was very interested in numbers and growth. I had contacted her superior who was overseeing the beginning of this community, and this angered her. This made me wonder all the more of motives and intention. I'm about quality, obedience, and truth.
I then, without clothing, adopted a simple gray jumper and gray tee shirt, and comfortably wore this, keeping the crucifix that I had worn about my neck when I had worn the novice habit of the hermit community. Of course, I learned that one should not take those steps at all without first being approved by one's bishop! My spiritual director did not know of such matters, obviously. We were both ignorant but meant well.
Over the next year or two, I was not so shunned, but I still was at loose ends with no place, no solid footing as to what I was to "be". I pretty much kept to the hermit life by default, I suppose, or lack of knowing what else to "do." So I "be." I kept to a modified horarium without thinking of it as such. I figured I did not have a hermit vocation or things would have turned out differently. Yet nothing in active apostolate opened up. My mother became ill, and I assisted her in her final months. I moved to a nearby city in order to start afresh and better embrace my Catholic identity, as the upheavals in my hometown had taken a toll, and the Protestant friends and family could not understand my continuing as a Catholic after all the trials. But of course, Catholics comprehend the Scriptures very well, and we know the Cross, and we pick it up.
I tried to be involved in the new parish, and repeatedly the doors and windows were shut on my fingers, in my face, and even seemingly pushed inward to shove me out. I had some little undercover "assignments" for the Lord, for lack of better way of expressing it. The unravelling of one of these put me around to the Bishop and Vicar General, and in that process, all the past misunderstanding finally was resolved. It was quite humorous, as it ended up.
After this section of life, and a trip to Avila, Spain to study St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila, I prayed for where God desired me to alight. I considered some possibilities, but God seemed to shut the door on those. It seemed He wanted me within the city where I had been renting two years. Although I didn't want to have to live anywhere, or even live, I knew I must anchor down, so had a small house built on the edge of a subdivision, on a pond, with a railroad track running behind so as to ensure a sense of solitude. I knew where to build, even though I didn't want to have to go through the hassle, because I somehow was led to this place, and would weep and weep when near the pond. It was odd. Then, it seemed very strong within that I was to be the maidservant of the Handmaid of the Lord, and that this would be a hermitage called Agnus Dei, and I was to remain there as Mary's maidservant, as if on the edge of Ephesus, as Tradition suggests Mary lived in her final years with a maidservant. She lived the life of a veritable hermit, in silence, solitude, prayer and penance.
I began in the year of building to build a library of victim souls, hermits, saints and mystics, of the spiritual life and ascetical and mystical theology, of Scripture commentary and prayer. I led a small discussion group that disbanded within eight months, but we read Tanquerey and some other classics of the spiritual life, or at least two of us did! All attempts at being active seemed thwarted, one odd way after another.
I nearly killed myself with exhaustion by doing all the painting of Agnus Dei, tiling two floors and helping to lay the wood floors. Now I am nearly "done in" from developing the landscaping (hired a man and his helpers to do the stone work and heavy planting). But within a week of moving in, I had a very direct encounter from my guardian angel, and it was not a good report card, shall we say. I was informed that I had not honored or valued the hermit life which God had chosen for me, and which He valued very much. I have written about this in a previous blog, also. There was more, but this shook me, and I got on the stick in a big way. That was the first week of February, and by the third week in April I requested of my Bishop canonical approval for eremetic consecration. While I had matters in order, and wrote assuring him that this was nothing new, and reminding him of my request five years previously, he did not delve into the matter in specifics but prayed much, I am assured. The Vicar General was interested and copied some of the guide for hermits developed by a diocese, and read through the document. At first I was not convinced that I needed to be canonically approved, but the more I studied of hermits and read classics by priests who are saavy in this vocation, I realized that consecration was very important for various reasons which I will not review here.
When the Bishop's answer was obviously going to be "no," I went into a deep spiritual split, for I could not comprehend how my angel could bring a direct message from God and specifically use the term "hermit," if the Church through the Bishop was not in agreement. Thus, I learned that one can still be a hermit without being consecrated. A priest had told me this was not possible, and it is a priest who seems a savant; but in this area he was mistaken, as it turns out.
However, regardless of consecration or no consecration, the litmus test for a hermit is to live the life, day in and day out, under certain fundamentals of the hermit vocation as set out from the time of Ezekial and Elijah, from the time of St. John the Baptist and into the first century desert fathers and mothers, through the anchorites and hermits of Medieval times, through the hermits of Europe in the past few hundred years, and into our present day.
I had all the documents available for learning about hermits, and I have them still and have added to them with old tomes of hermit life of yore, of the classics of monastic and eremitical example, of Carthusian and Camaldolese eremitical writings.
The challenge remains, as always, to simply shut up and settle down and live the life, day by day, night by night, hour by hour, in the Order of the Present Moment. For me, this means living the Nine S' and being immersed in the Gospel of St. John and the Epistle to the Hebrews, and all umbrella'd by "Fear God and Delight in His Commands: Just Adore Him." I've written about this, too.
Sometimes I seem to keep writing and thus avoiding simply living it all out. But maybe it helps instill the plan and command. Yes, the action in a hermit's life is to live that life in the way God forms and informs the individual hermit.
For me, it seems it will be more hidden, such as "within Thy wounds, hide me O Lord." The one-handed finger count of parishioners with whom I've shared the vocation have reacted with: envy, misunderstanding, criticism, and only one couple with support but that could crumble, too. One never knows with the way we humans can be! I am human, so I have to constantly review my interior motives.
I even wonder about why I write blogs, as this reveals my inner. I like this one because with the other two, a couple of friends know it is me writing, and if I am candid, the chance for misunderstanding or a sense of promoting oneself can commence. I used to always write long-hand in a journal, and while I can type faster, perhaps I should return to more obscurity. Yet, this week some good has come from contact as a result of this blog. All things must be measured and discerned with the Holy Trinity, moment by moment.
Someone has asked me how I became interested in pursuing the eremitical life. This is good for me to ponder, as it instills a surety in the vocation which given my recent upheavals, is helpful.
As most events in my life, the hermit vocation is wrought from suffering. I had already made vows of consecration to suffering. But prior to this event, I had by the grace of God and the instruction of the Virgin Mary, started a soup kitchen in a parish in a small town. It quickly grew, really miraculously so, and it branched and was very good. What was so amazing to me is that I could physically manage it, given my permanent disability of pain. I was so happy, for the first time in several years, as I felt fulfilled and useful, and doing God's will. People were benefitting, not just the elderly and infirm and poor, but the parishioners who had not interfaced often with the poor. Within a year, though, envy and obstacles prevailed. In summation, I was removed by circumstances and my spiritual director's command, given the horrendous evils and mean-spirited elements in some parishioners and priests. The culminating event was the parish priest's preaching the weekend homilies in detraction of me, using my name from the pulpit. My director ordered me to not go back until he was willing to speak to me. He spoke again two years later, in passing my house which was across the street from the parish. The pain of this event and the resultant shunning from the parishioners and the misunderstanding by the many Protestant family and friends, caused an emotional trauma in which I hibernated for good while. I had to screen calls with my answering machine, as I received hate calls from parishioners which really weren't as bad as the shunning from the bulk. Thankfully, the soup kitchen continued in a down-scaled manner, but continued due to the work of the core volunteers. In this time, I recalled some spiritual events years before, in which I was told that I would need to learn to hibernate for protection from the world. So I hibernated, prayed, and sought God's will in what He desired next.
I had begun a newsletter, Called to Suffer, but shortly thereafter stopped its publication due to lack of ease in printing it since I'd been blackballed from the Catholic publishing house where a friend had allowed me access to the copy machines. Anyway, you may gather that this was a major shut down, allowed by God, for my good, and I had to figure out what good.
In the solitude, other than my teen son being home most evenings after school but me in bed early due to pain, I noticed a letter to editor in a Catholic magazine, written by a hermit. I asked his address and wrote. He suggested some books and a newsletter for hermits of all backgrounds. This correspondence continued for three years, but by the grace of God I felt called to make some private vows with my spiritual director receiving them. We did so on the death date of my confirmation saint, Sister Josefa Menendez. I wrote about these vows in a previous post, and although I did not write about the ceremony, it was beautiful and adapted from an old anchoritic rite. My anchorhold had been blessed that afternoon, and it was all very private and peaceful. But I later sensed I needed more structure or formation.
The hermit correspondent kept declaring me too active to be a hermit. He was a recluse of sorts, but I noted he was quite proud of all he had written and gotten published. He also said he did not need a spiritual director, and was disobedient to the Church in attending Masses with a schismatic group, Society of Pius X. When I pointed this out, gently, he never wrote back again after I attempted two more contacts. I think a spiritual director is essential, as perhaps he would have corrected the pride and disobedience going on.
Within the next year I noticed an advertisement for a community of hermits. My spiritual director gave the o.k. to apply. That year was one of formation in the eremitic life, although the foundress did not have enough solidified in the community and did not steer me as my Diocese requires, in the approach to the Bishop. I was told to wear a habit after my first profession as a novice, and then approach my Bishop. This was not proper, although she said other hermits were not having trouble. But I did as she said, and all hell broke loose. The parishioners across the street wrote letters to the Bishop, unbeknown to me, and the Diocese began an investigation of which I learned two months later when the priest began to speak with me, following my approach to him regarding the increased ire of his parishioners. Yes, I told him I was concerned about them, and when he asked "Why?", I said, "They are not behaving as Christians." The story unfolded as to what I was doing, quietly and in obedience, and he told me of the investigation and what would happen to me. Another priest told me I had to move out of town. This was hardly feasible with my son weeks away from going to college, and my house needing major renovation before it could be sold, and me without funds. My son became increasingly bitter, and one morning prior to his leaving for college, I bagged the habit and withdrew from the novitiate of this hermit community. The community was a good idea in concept, and I think it is growing, but at the time, it just wasn't meant to be for me, obviously. The foundress was irked, and this did not settle well with me, for it seemed she was very interested in numbers and growth. I had contacted her superior who was overseeing the beginning of this community, and this angered her. This made me wonder all the more of motives and intention. I'm about quality, obedience, and truth.
I then, without clothing, adopted a simple gray jumper and gray tee shirt, and comfortably wore this, keeping the crucifix that I had worn about my neck when I had worn the novice habit of the hermit community. Of course, I learned that one should not take those steps at all without first being approved by one's bishop! My spiritual director did not know of such matters, obviously. We were both ignorant but meant well.
Over the next year or two, I was not so shunned, but I still was at loose ends with no place, no solid footing as to what I was to "be". I pretty much kept to the hermit life by default, I suppose, or lack of knowing what else to "do." So I "be." I kept to a modified horarium without thinking of it as such. I figured I did not have a hermit vocation or things would have turned out differently. Yet nothing in active apostolate opened up. My mother became ill, and I assisted her in her final months. I moved to a nearby city in order to start afresh and better embrace my Catholic identity, as the upheavals in my hometown had taken a toll, and the Protestant friends and family could not understand my continuing as a Catholic after all the trials. But of course, Catholics comprehend the Scriptures very well, and we know the Cross, and we pick it up.
I tried to be involved in the new parish, and repeatedly the doors and windows were shut on my fingers, in my face, and even seemingly pushed inward to shove me out. I had some little undercover "assignments" for the Lord, for lack of better way of expressing it. The unravelling of one of these put me around to the Bishop and Vicar General, and in that process, all the past misunderstanding finally was resolved. It was quite humorous, as it ended up.
After this section of life, and a trip to Avila, Spain to study St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila, I prayed for where God desired me to alight. I considered some possibilities, but God seemed to shut the door on those. It seemed He wanted me within the city where I had been renting two years. Although I didn't want to have to live anywhere, or even live, I knew I must anchor down, so had a small house built on the edge of a subdivision, on a pond, with a railroad track running behind so as to ensure a sense of solitude. I knew where to build, even though I didn't want to have to go through the hassle, because I somehow was led to this place, and would weep and weep when near the pond. It was odd. Then, it seemed very strong within that I was to be the maidservant of the Handmaid of the Lord, and that this would be a hermitage called Agnus Dei, and I was to remain there as Mary's maidservant, as if on the edge of Ephesus, as Tradition suggests Mary lived in her final years with a maidservant. She lived the life of a veritable hermit, in silence, solitude, prayer and penance.
I began in the year of building to build a library of victim souls, hermits, saints and mystics, of the spiritual life and ascetical and mystical theology, of Scripture commentary and prayer. I led a small discussion group that disbanded within eight months, but we read Tanquerey and some other classics of the spiritual life, or at least two of us did! All attempts at being active seemed thwarted, one odd way after another.
I nearly killed myself with exhaustion by doing all the painting of Agnus Dei, tiling two floors and helping to lay the wood floors. Now I am nearly "done in" from developing the landscaping (hired a man and his helpers to do the stone work and heavy planting). But within a week of moving in, I had a very direct encounter from my guardian angel, and it was not a good report card, shall we say. I was informed that I had not honored or valued the hermit life which God had chosen for me, and which He valued very much. I have written about this in a previous blog, also. There was more, but this shook me, and I got on the stick in a big way. That was the first week of February, and by the third week in April I requested of my Bishop canonical approval for eremetic consecration. While I had matters in order, and wrote assuring him that this was nothing new, and reminding him of my request five years previously, he did not delve into the matter in specifics but prayed much, I am assured. The Vicar General was interested and copied some of the guide for hermits developed by a diocese, and read through the document. At first I was not convinced that I needed to be canonically approved, but the more I studied of hermits and read classics by priests who are saavy in this vocation, I realized that consecration was very important for various reasons which I will not review here.
When the Bishop's answer was obviously going to be "no," I went into a deep spiritual split, for I could not comprehend how my angel could bring a direct message from God and specifically use the term "hermit," if the Church through the Bishop was not in agreement. Thus, I learned that one can still be a hermit without being consecrated. A priest had told me this was not possible, and it is a priest who seems a savant; but in this area he was mistaken, as it turns out.
However, regardless of consecration or no consecration, the litmus test for a hermit is to live the life, day in and day out, under certain fundamentals of the hermit vocation as set out from the time of Ezekial and Elijah, from the time of St. John the Baptist and into the first century desert fathers and mothers, through the anchorites and hermits of Medieval times, through the hermits of Europe in the past few hundred years, and into our present day.
I had all the documents available for learning about hermits, and I have them still and have added to them with old tomes of hermit life of yore, of the classics of monastic and eremitical example, of Carthusian and Camaldolese eremitical writings.
The challenge remains, as always, to simply shut up and settle down and live the life, day by day, night by night, hour by hour, in the Order of the Present Moment. For me, this means living the Nine S' and being immersed in the Gospel of St. John and the Epistle to the Hebrews, and all umbrella'd by "Fear God and Delight in His Commands: Just Adore Him." I've written about this, too.
Sometimes I seem to keep writing and thus avoiding simply living it all out. But maybe it helps instill the plan and command. Yes, the action in a hermit's life is to live that life in the way God forms and informs the individual hermit.
For me, it seems it will be more hidden, such as "within Thy wounds, hide me O Lord." The one-handed finger count of parishioners with whom I've shared the vocation have reacted with: envy, misunderstanding, criticism, and only one couple with support but that could crumble, too. One never knows with the way we humans can be! I am human, so I have to constantly review my interior motives.
I even wonder about why I write blogs, as this reveals my inner. I like this one because with the other two, a couple of friends know it is me writing, and if I am candid, the chance for misunderstanding or a sense of promoting oneself can commence. I used to always write long-hand in a journal, and while I can type faster, perhaps I should return to more obscurity. Yet, this week some good has come from contact as a result of this blog. All things must be measured and discerned with the Holy Trinity, moment by moment.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
St. Francis de Sales on Anchorites and Hermits
Interesting to note that in a homily, St. Francis de Sales points out to the sisters of the Visitation (community he and St. Jane Frances de Chantel started) that the life of a religious sister or brother is far more difficult than that of an anchorite. He cites that the former must die to all, including determining their own rule, while the anchorites and hermits have leeway to make choices in their rule and living it out.
This is true. I see it in a hermit being able to be canonical or non-canonical. Also, there are so many different forms of vows and rules--with common threads, yes, but variance allowed.
Hermits are individuals with each seeming to be his or her own community in a way. I admit it would be difficult for me to not have variance.
What he doesn't point out, though, is how difficult it is for an individual to remain on task. And we do see that in reality, communities of hermits as well as communities of religious sisters and brothers do not always stay on task, or remain obedient to their founder's rule. But in the ideal, St. Francis de Sales makes a good point.
Perhaps those called to religious orders are thus called because they are disposed to group obedience and not of the inclination to develop a rule of their own within parameters. Perhaps hermits are thus called because they do have these capabilities given by God in their inherent make-up. I know school teachers who have external locus of control seem to fare better in public schools than the more creative types who have internal locus of control (as researched in a study at USC). It would be interesting to study hermits vs. religious if one had the time or need to verify the surmisals.
This is true. I see it in a hermit being able to be canonical or non-canonical. Also, there are so many different forms of vows and rules--with common threads, yes, but variance allowed.
Hermits are individuals with each seeming to be his or her own community in a way. I admit it would be difficult for me to not have variance.
What he doesn't point out, though, is how difficult it is for an individual to remain on task. And we do see that in reality, communities of hermits as well as communities of religious sisters and brothers do not always stay on task, or remain obedient to their founder's rule. But in the ideal, St. Francis de Sales makes a good point.
Perhaps those called to religious orders are thus called because they are disposed to group obedience and not of the inclination to develop a rule of their own within parameters. Perhaps hermits are thus called because they do have these capabilities given by God in their inherent make-up. I know school teachers who have external locus of control seem to fare better in public schools than the more creative types who have internal locus of control (as researched in a study at USC). It would be interesting to study hermits vs. religious if one had the time or need to verify the surmisals.
Variances on a Hermit Theme
The more I read and the more I sort of encounter a few hermits, it seems that God forms hermits like He does specimen trees. They are each unique and serve a function, mostly to be observed and to add beauty to the landscape, to be individual essences radiating His light back.
They are like ornaments with different values and purposes. One might be more reclusive, another with work to do such as didactic, theological impartation of information. Another might be sickly and still and mostly prayerful. Another might be, like St. Philip Neri, called to more activity and people, to organizing (such as St. Romuald) a religious community. Another might be called to inspire others to become hermits and to tighten the rule, such as Bl. Paul Giustiniani who traveled about and corresponded much.
Thus, it appears hermits are of varying shapes and sizes, colors and kinds but fall into the individual and unique category. And, as previously considered, they hang between worlds. Some hang more between worlds than others. Some seem more with toes in the other world and others more with heart-strings stretched to heaven.
It might be similar to the variances in mottos. I have been given my mission, expressed in a motto: just adore Him. I don't do a good job of this when I weaken and dabble in the other world, not heaven.
Being reminded of my mission and motto, and the more I read of hermit life, I am not inclined to think I am cultivated to be an intellectual variety, although I have advanced degrees from the other world. No, I have been told, years ago, to think with the heart, think with the heart, think with the heart!
Thus, the writing out of involved temporary vows and a complex plan of life (or rule, or whatever as I must have these terms intertwined or separated into two notions, the plan being administrative like a will and disposition of possessions, and the rule being more of the spiritual living it out) seems not for me. Rather, my heart thinks it should be simple, very simple.
My spiritual father said that to fear God and rejoice in His commands about says it all. It is sort of like "just adore Him". If I really did this well, I would not be in disruption of soul from time to time, huh?
But, I sense God wanting a little more out of me at this point in the process, and so my rule is the practice of the nine s' which includes what all is necessary daily (such as Mass, prayer, Office, spiritual reading, manual labor), and these are included in the Gospel and Epistle that will be the Scriptural basis of my Plan or Rule.
Here it is under the title: Fear God and Rejoice in His Commands/Just Adore Him; and under that, practice silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessness, stability, simplicity, stillness, and serenity; then, as basis in the Word, live out St. John's Gospel and the Epistle to the Hebrews.
My temporary vows I offered on Dec. 29, 2000. I did not know of format then, or of Canonical Approval or Consecration. Here is what I offered, in the presence of my spiritual da, on a snowy night in an old, unused chapel of a dying out community of mostly dissenting religious sisters who knew nothing of the ceremony taking place in the beautiful cast-off chapel. Let me get out of bed and retrieve the signed and witnessed vows from the file cabinet.
"I, [given name and confirmation name, too] offer and present myself to the goodness of God to serve in the order of an anchorite; and according to the rule of that order I promise to remain henceforward in the service of God through the grace of God and the guidance of the Roman Catholic Church and to render canonical obedience to my spiritual fathers.
"I vow to devote my life to the praise of God and salvation of the world through a stricter separation of the world, the silence of solitude, and assiduous prayer and penance.
"To the prefection of charity to which I am called as a faithful servant of my Lord Jesus Christ, I avow myself to the practice of chastity in celibacy, to poverty in body, mind and spirit, and to obedience of my will to the Divine Will of God and His Church, in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit."
Even now I see that these vows could be simplified, and I would substitute hermit for anchorite, as at the time I was living in a house across from a parish church which was as close to an anchorhold that an anchorite of our time period could have.
Have I lived these vows? Not well at all, not consistently, not to a high degree other than much penance, but that not "cheerfully". Today is a new day, and I must stop thinking of the past and what could have been, but continue to beg Jesus and Mary, my mistress here at Agnus Dei Hermitage, to help me rejoice in God's command to the hermit life, embrace what the vows encapsulate, to love and live the nine s' and live out the Gospel of John and Hebrews.
They are like ornaments with different values and purposes. One might be more reclusive, another with work to do such as didactic, theological impartation of information. Another might be sickly and still and mostly prayerful. Another might be, like St. Philip Neri, called to more activity and people, to organizing (such as St. Romuald) a religious community. Another might be called to inspire others to become hermits and to tighten the rule, such as Bl. Paul Giustiniani who traveled about and corresponded much.
Thus, it appears hermits are of varying shapes and sizes, colors and kinds but fall into the individual and unique category. And, as previously considered, they hang between worlds. Some hang more between worlds than others. Some seem more with toes in the other world and others more with heart-strings stretched to heaven.
It might be similar to the variances in mottos. I have been given my mission, expressed in a motto: just adore Him. I don't do a good job of this when I weaken and dabble in the other world, not heaven.
Being reminded of my mission and motto, and the more I read of hermit life, I am not inclined to think I am cultivated to be an intellectual variety, although I have advanced degrees from the other world. No, I have been told, years ago, to think with the heart, think with the heart, think with the heart!
Thus, the writing out of involved temporary vows and a complex plan of life (or rule, or whatever as I must have these terms intertwined or separated into two notions, the plan being administrative like a will and disposition of possessions, and the rule being more of the spiritual living it out) seems not for me. Rather, my heart thinks it should be simple, very simple.
My spiritual father said that to fear God and rejoice in His commands about says it all. It is sort of like "just adore Him". If I really did this well, I would not be in disruption of soul from time to time, huh?
But, I sense God wanting a little more out of me at this point in the process, and so my rule is the practice of the nine s' which includes what all is necessary daily (such as Mass, prayer, Office, spiritual reading, manual labor), and these are included in the Gospel and Epistle that will be the Scriptural basis of my Plan or Rule.
Here it is under the title: Fear God and Rejoice in His Commands/Just Adore Him; and under that, practice silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessness, stability, simplicity, stillness, and serenity; then, as basis in the Word, live out St. John's Gospel and the Epistle to the Hebrews.
My temporary vows I offered on Dec. 29, 2000. I did not know of format then, or of Canonical Approval or Consecration. Here is what I offered, in the presence of my spiritual da, on a snowy night in an old, unused chapel of a dying out community of mostly dissenting religious sisters who knew nothing of the ceremony taking place in the beautiful cast-off chapel. Let me get out of bed and retrieve the signed and witnessed vows from the file cabinet.
"I, [given name and confirmation name, too] offer and present myself to the goodness of God to serve in the order of an anchorite; and according to the rule of that order I promise to remain henceforward in the service of God through the grace of God and the guidance of the Roman Catholic Church and to render canonical obedience to my spiritual fathers.
"I vow to devote my life to the praise of God and salvation of the world through a stricter separation of the world, the silence of solitude, and assiduous prayer and penance.
"To the prefection of charity to which I am called as a faithful servant of my Lord Jesus Christ, I avow myself to the practice of chastity in celibacy, to poverty in body, mind and spirit, and to obedience of my will to the Divine Will of God and His Church, in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit."
Even now I see that these vows could be simplified, and I would substitute hermit for anchorite, as at the time I was living in a house across from a parish church which was as close to an anchorhold that an anchorite of our time period could have.
Have I lived these vows? Not well at all, not consistently, not to a high degree other than much penance, but that not "cheerfully". Today is a new day, and I must stop thinking of the past and what could have been, but continue to beg Jesus and Mary, my mistress here at Agnus Dei Hermitage, to help me rejoice in God's command to the hermit life, embrace what the vows encapsulate, to love and live the nine s' and live out the Gospel of John and Hebrews.
Hanging Between Worlds
Pere Louis Bouyer wrote of monastics, and perhaps it also was a theme in Dom Leclerq's writing, one or the other or both, that a monk/hermit exists as and in an opening to heaven.
I very much sense that I hang between worlds. Particularly when I am by charitable necessity back into the world, such as yesterday at a birthday party for my granddaughter. Since my daughter and son-in-law are not Catholic and practice no religion, I feel the separation in this aspect all the more. But there is much love, from my heart, and with the physical limitations which do not show on the outside but are a constant struggle within, I mostly observe when in such social situaitons. Or, when the opportunity arises, I have a few minutes of one-to-one conversation.
But I return home to Agnus Dei rather exhausted but thankful to have been able to make the trip.
While there, I hear about my adult children all flying to California to be with their father and his wife at Christmas. Their father left me after a car accident 23 years ago this Wednesday (Queenship of Mary) which altered my earthly existence. My struggles began, and now I must accept and comprehend that I could not provide the entertainment he and his wife provide, nor the setting or accommodations. At first I thought about what plans I could have at Christmas, and if my body were more rested, perhaps I could go some place interesting, and once there re-group the energy and then pray and go to Mass and write. So, I will remain right here and do those things unless God opens the window to heaven in some other place, for a short trip. But I doubt He will or needs to.
Seeing the people yesterday, who are very much in the world of work and pleasures and entertaining and friendships and fun and good distraction, and realizing again that I am simply not in that world nor can be, is a good experience. There is much love and comraderie, and at times I wish I could be like, but I have not been in that world for a long time. Yet I have not made a clear step or remained steadfast in the space between worlds, in that space that shows others the window to heaven.
God is allowing me to experience the confusion, and to know how I have over-done and over-stepped to the point of not managing pain (once more), and that I require the nine s' for survival, and the space between the worlds is very much where I need to hang.
For now it is lonely, and it hurts when I see that I cannot return to the other world where many of my loved ones and friends exist in seeming content. But I have been mystically told over and over that I am not to be there, and shown that I am to hang between the two worlds.
There are others here. I just need to stay put long enough to get to sense their presence and support. The pain comes when I run through the glass, not smoothly transitioning back and forth. A wedding is coming up, and I have not decided about going, although in charity I should. A young man who has fallen away from the Faith is marrying a young woman whose family is anti-Catholic. I'm not sure I am to witness such a marriage. Perhaps my presence will remind people of the window to heaven. I hope I did that yesterday perhaps with wearing the crucifix and offering the effort of the drive for love of Jesus, the conversion of sinners, and for the sins committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the poor souls in purgatory.
Now, to get back on track, to hang freely and comfortably between worlds.
Note: I realize my blogs are not of benefit to others, are far too long, and meander through the personal aspects of this journey. Perhaps I should be more didactic about the hermit life, but I know there are other sites which provide instruction. I try to think with the heart and write accordingly.
I very much sense that I hang between worlds. Particularly when I am by charitable necessity back into the world, such as yesterday at a birthday party for my granddaughter. Since my daughter and son-in-law are not Catholic and practice no religion, I feel the separation in this aspect all the more. But there is much love, from my heart, and with the physical limitations which do not show on the outside but are a constant struggle within, I mostly observe when in such social situaitons. Or, when the opportunity arises, I have a few minutes of one-to-one conversation.
But I return home to Agnus Dei rather exhausted but thankful to have been able to make the trip.
While there, I hear about my adult children all flying to California to be with their father and his wife at Christmas. Their father left me after a car accident 23 years ago this Wednesday (Queenship of Mary) which altered my earthly existence. My struggles began, and now I must accept and comprehend that I could not provide the entertainment he and his wife provide, nor the setting or accommodations. At first I thought about what plans I could have at Christmas, and if my body were more rested, perhaps I could go some place interesting, and once there re-group the energy and then pray and go to Mass and write. So, I will remain right here and do those things unless God opens the window to heaven in some other place, for a short trip. But I doubt He will or needs to.
Seeing the people yesterday, who are very much in the world of work and pleasures and entertaining and friendships and fun and good distraction, and realizing again that I am simply not in that world nor can be, is a good experience. There is much love and comraderie, and at times I wish I could be like, but I have not been in that world for a long time. Yet I have not made a clear step or remained steadfast in the space between worlds, in that space that shows others the window to heaven.
God is allowing me to experience the confusion, and to know how I have over-done and over-stepped to the point of not managing pain (once more), and that I require the nine s' for survival, and the space between the worlds is very much where I need to hang.
For now it is lonely, and it hurts when I see that I cannot return to the other world where many of my loved ones and friends exist in seeming content. But I have been mystically told over and over that I am not to be there, and shown that I am to hang between the two worlds.
There are others here. I just need to stay put long enough to get to sense their presence and support. The pain comes when I run through the glass, not smoothly transitioning back and forth. A wedding is coming up, and I have not decided about going, although in charity I should. A young man who has fallen away from the Faith is marrying a young woman whose family is anti-Catholic. I'm not sure I am to witness such a marriage. Perhaps my presence will remind people of the window to heaven. I hope I did that yesterday perhaps with wearing the crucifix and offering the effort of the drive for love of Jesus, the conversion of sinners, and for the sins committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the poor souls in purgatory.
Now, to get back on track, to hang freely and comfortably between worlds.
Note: I realize my blogs are not of benefit to others, are far too long, and meander through the personal aspects of this journey. Perhaps I should be more didactic about the hermit life, but I know there are other sites which provide instruction. I try to think with the heart and write accordingly.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Going Deep Within
Some of what happens, perhaps, in being led to and loving a vocation to the eremitic life is the gift of suffering. There is a link between hermits and suffering.
Both are vocations that lend well, one to the other. Both are very much deep, within, within with God. Suffering is one of the nine s' as is solitude.
Part of my struggle is and has been and shall be for the time here, is suffering. I can't say that suffering is the struggle, but it challenges the mind and body to a certain level of reality.
When I suffer, as I am now, I must go deep within. In moving, getting into the hermitage, planting the Mary Garden, and all else physical, such as the intense heat and drought of the summer, the constant pain in the body has also taken its toll. One must factor in the pain as part of the parameters of the call to hermit life. Suffering and the accompanying hiddenness, particularly when one does not appear to be in such pain, prod the person into a life outside the center, as one hermit's take on this vocation utilizes the term "eccentric."
So not only is suffering a gift and vocation, but the suffering helps place one into the vocation of hermit. In both, the mode of going deep within is necessary for the body and the soul.
Other thoughts, such as regarding the lack of hiddenness that could result from being a consecrated hermit, flow as I lie here trying to rest, knowing that in daylight I must water if I can, and then make a road trip an hour and a half south of here for a granddaughter's first birthday party. A bush is in the car, too heavy for me to take out, and a variety the same as the child's name, and her parents desired this very much for her. I am laying myself out trying to do, and the suffering is helping me to see more clearly that eremitic life is a balm to one who suffers. It provides the means to enduring in suffering, for it shelters the soul.
Acceptance and love of both suffering and solitude come in silence when the pain settles the mind in its unrest, and the mind must seek refuge in the soul by going deep within.
Both are vocations that lend well, one to the other. Both are very much deep, within, within with God. Suffering is one of the nine s' as is solitude.
Part of my struggle is and has been and shall be for the time here, is suffering. I can't say that suffering is the struggle, but it challenges the mind and body to a certain level of reality.
When I suffer, as I am now, I must go deep within. In moving, getting into the hermitage, planting the Mary Garden, and all else physical, such as the intense heat and drought of the summer, the constant pain in the body has also taken its toll. One must factor in the pain as part of the parameters of the call to hermit life. Suffering and the accompanying hiddenness, particularly when one does not appear to be in such pain, prod the person into a life outside the center, as one hermit's take on this vocation utilizes the term "eccentric."
So not only is suffering a gift and vocation, but the suffering helps place one into the vocation of hermit. In both, the mode of going deep within is necessary for the body and the soul.
Other thoughts, such as regarding the lack of hiddenness that could result from being a consecrated hermit, flow as I lie here trying to rest, knowing that in daylight I must water if I can, and then make a road trip an hour and a half south of here for a granddaughter's first birthday party. A bush is in the car, too heavy for me to take out, and a variety the same as the child's name, and her parents desired this very much for her. I am laying myself out trying to do, and the suffering is helping me to see more clearly that eremitic life is a balm to one who suffers. It provides the means to enduring in suffering, for it shelters the soul.
Acceptance and love of both suffering and solitude come in silence when the pain settles the mind in its unrest, and the mind must seek refuge in the soul by going deep within.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Vocation
My protestant cousin remains a main contact, but thankfully I have now had contact with a diocese hermit. My cousin has tried to listen. I realize this is tantamount to someone without an addiction trying to comprehend the addicted person's plight. Today I said little other than the relief of knowing one can be a hermit in the Church without being consecrated, although the consecration is best.
For a personality such as mine, with my many weaknesses and other aspects of circumstances, being accountable to someone (a Diocese and the Church--and of course, God) helps with the commitment.
My cousin said, "Well, you can be a hermit and know it inside, just between you and God, and that is enough."
Well, no it is not. This is the attitude of the person who says, "I am a minister and can start my own church, and I know this inside, and it is between God and me, and that is all I need to do this." Or, the man and woman (or homosexual couple) saying, "We are married, and we know this inside, and it is between God and us, anyway, and that is all we need." How would it do for a person to go into a classroom and say, "I am a teacher. I know this inside and it is between God and me and that is enough."
So, the issue is vocation. And while vocation is something imbued deep inside and is between the soul and God, there are certain conditions and responsibilities with vocation. One must consider and enact a real (and discern a perceived) call and have training, experience, accountability, and avow in commitment. In the Church this is witnessed as sanctified.
That is why consecration is so vital in the life of a hermit, as it is in any vocation. While secular "vocations" [perhaps "career" is more contextual, but some if not all careers should be a calling by God] may not fall in the realm of the spiritual as much as religious vocations, again they could and perhaps should. The work world would be a different place.
The act of consecrating, of being consecrated, is a wholly giving of self to the holy will of God. The historical roots of consecrate are connected with force, intensity, sacred. It would be ordained, or as this word's root meaning suggests: put in order.
God knows, and I know, also, that I need to be put in order.
Today I shivered again over the whole ball of wax (as my dad might have said). I realized the chills come from the reality that if I proceed beyond non-canonical hermit status to the eventual state of consecrated eremitic, I could end up losing all my freedom and liberty. This would be it for good, yes for GOOD. (And it would be very, very good indeed.) I recalled how I used to pray fervently St. Ignatius of Loyola's prayer, asking God to take all freedom and liberty. Yes, take my very life. So it is, should be and will be.
If I do not proceed, or if I opt for noncanonical status as a hermit, I will feel incomplete in the vocation, for I know myself, and I know that I will be holding back the option to not be as accountable, to not hand over all of my options, to God. When a window in my imagination opens (and I know from personal experience that I am prone to escape routes) I would buzz out like a fly, dim-witted from hitting myself against the screen. Then, sooner than later, I would be inside again until the next spasm of desperate escapism struck.
Part of my syndrome is the chronic pain. I feel a touch better with some energy, and I think I can go back out into the world of activity. I am squished every time. This has gone on for 23 years, ever since the drunk teen hit our car and life as I knew it up-ended. But part of the problem, and the most significant, is that I fear this vocation. Not a bad fear to admit.
I fear giving up my freedom and liberty, and I mean my most innermost freedom and liberty. I mean the dreams of doing other than what God has chosen for me. And this comes down to the fact that while I love God, or think I do, I do not truly love His command. So each day I pray to love His command, and that I value and honor the hermit life which He has chosen for me. It is a process. It is the process of dying to oneself and agreeing to one's vocation.
I suppose priests go through this, and religious sisters and brothers, and married couples (if they are honest about it). In the hermit's vocation, one dies to one's own desires and earthly dreams and through conscration is put in order to be accountable to God and His Church.
The ideal, I do love; it is the actual living it out that must be loved--loved in the silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessness, stability, simplicity, stillness and serenity of hermit life. There are many unknowns in those nine s' and they hiss at me sometimes like a snake: sssssssss. And this can be s-s-s-scary!
But what are the options when one is called by God and one has discerned that call--and in my case and perhaps others', when one has flown out the window many times over only to be squished and crawls back? To not answer and heed the call has not worked. To not value and honor what God values very much, is abominable. It leads to certain death of the soul itself. Why keep second-guessing? Why hold back? It is fear, and perhaps it feels a bit like agreeing to be buried alive.
Yes, one must love the command, or one does not truly or deeply love, trust, honor the Commander. So I am learning to love God more by learning to love His command. It is easier if one just gives in, stops pulling on the tug-o-war rope, stops imagining all that cannot and will not be possible, stops buzzing about, slamming full force into glass, then flying off with mangled body.
Lord, take all my life, my freedom, my liberty, my all. I give it to You freely, as best I can muster, so I'd better ask you to take my imagination, too, and my stubborn will, my fears, and my desires for anything other than the hermit life. Help me to honor and value it as you do! I want to do Your will, not mine, and I am sorry that mine gets in the way. I want to love the hermit life You have chosen for me, and for the most part I am comfortable in it; but take the remaining obstacles that I myself place, and have them depart. My God, please.
For a personality such as mine, with my many weaknesses and other aspects of circumstances, being accountable to someone (a Diocese and the Church--and of course, God) helps with the commitment.
My cousin said, "Well, you can be a hermit and know it inside, just between you and God, and that is enough."
Well, no it is not. This is the attitude of the person who says, "I am a minister and can start my own church, and I know this inside, and it is between God and me, and that is all I need to do this." Or, the man and woman (or homosexual couple) saying, "We are married, and we know this inside, and it is between God and us, anyway, and that is all we need." How would it do for a person to go into a classroom and say, "I am a teacher. I know this inside and it is between God and me and that is enough."
So, the issue is vocation. And while vocation is something imbued deep inside and is between the soul and God, there are certain conditions and responsibilities with vocation. One must consider and enact a real (and discern a perceived) call and have training, experience, accountability, and avow in commitment. In the Church this is witnessed as sanctified.
That is why consecration is so vital in the life of a hermit, as it is in any vocation. While secular "vocations" [perhaps "career" is more contextual, but some if not all careers should be a calling by God] may not fall in the realm of the spiritual as much as religious vocations, again they could and perhaps should. The work world would be a different place.
The act of consecrating, of being consecrated, is a wholly giving of self to the holy will of God. The historical roots of consecrate are connected with force, intensity, sacred. It would be ordained, or as this word's root meaning suggests: put in order.
God knows, and I know, also, that I need to be put in order.
Today I shivered again over the whole ball of wax (as my dad might have said). I realized the chills come from the reality that if I proceed beyond non-canonical hermit status to the eventual state of consecrated eremitic, I could end up losing all my freedom and liberty. This would be it for good, yes for GOOD. (And it would be very, very good indeed.) I recalled how I used to pray fervently St. Ignatius of Loyola's prayer, asking God to take all freedom and liberty. Yes, take my very life. So it is, should be and will be.
If I do not proceed, or if I opt for noncanonical status as a hermit, I will feel incomplete in the vocation, for I know myself, and I know that I will be holding back the option to not be as accountable, to not hand over all of my options, to God. When a window in my imagination opens (and I know from personal experience that I am prone to escape routes) I would buzz out like a fly, dim-witted from hitting myself against the screen. Then, sooner than later, I would be inside again until the next spasm of desperate escapism struck.
Part of my syndrome is the chronic pain. I feel a touch better with some energy, and I think I can go back out into the world of activity. I am squished every time. This has gone on for 23 years, ever since the drunk teen hit our car and life as I knew it up-ended. But part of the problem, and the most significant, is that I fear this vocation. Not a bad fear to admit.
I fear giving up my freedom and liberty, and I mean my most innermost freedom and liberty. I mean the dreams of doing other than what God has chosen for me. And this comes down to the fact that while I love God, or think I do, I do not truly love His command. So each day I pray to love His command, and that I value and honor the hermit life which He has chosen for me. It is a process. It is the process of dying to oneself and agreeing to one's vocation.
I suppose priests go through this, and religious sisters and brothers, and married couples (if they are honest about it). In the hermit's vocation, one dies to one's own desires and earthly dreams and through conscration is put in order to be accountable to God and His Church.
The ideal, I do love; it is the actual living it out that must be loved--loved in the silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessness, stability, simplicity, stillness and serenity of hermit life. There are many unknowns in those nine s' and they hiss at me sometimes like a snake: sssssssss. And this can be s-s-s-scary!
But what are the options when one is called by God and one has discerned that call--and in my case and perhaps others', when one has flown out the window many times over only to be squished and crawls back? To not answer and heed the call has not worked. To not value and honor what God values very much, is abominable. It leads to certain death of the soul itself. Why keep second-guessing? Why hold back? It is fear, and perhaps it feels a bit like agreeing to be buried alive.
Yes, one must love the command, or one does not truly or deeply love, trust, honor the Commander. So I am learning to love God more by learning to love His command. It is easier if one just gives in, stops pulling on the tug-o-war rope, stops imagining all that cannot and will not be possible, stops buzzing about, slamming full force into glass, then flying off with mangled body.
Lord, take all my life, my freedom, my liberty, my all. I give it to You freely, as best I can muster, so I'd better ask you to take my imagination, too, and my stubborn will, my fears, and my desires for anything other than the hermit life. Help me to honor and value it as you do! I want to do Your will, not mine, and I am sorry that mine gets in the way. I want to love the hermit life You have chosen for me, and for the most part I am comfortable in it; but take the remaining obstacles that I myself place, and have them depart. My God, please.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Incomplete Hermit, but Hermit
Now I can attest to what it is like for a hermit to become imbalanced. Due to the unusual drought and high temperatures, and the necessity of getting the landscaping put in at Agnus Dei, I had to spend hours watering and more hours planting, and keeping things up from the expense of the landscapers' work. Trees, lawn, roses, perennials, groundcover, shrubs--all have needed much attention, more than usual. There was the shopping for the plants, finding them on sale, planning where to put them, figuring out stone areas and outdoor furniture in case there would be a guest or two, deciding upon not having any structures constructed.
As a result, my daily schedule became quite lopsided. I didn't think this would have such an effect. I'd go to daily Mass, but other than that, I worked. I worked and worked and burned out. One morning while weeding (yes, I had to weed much), I had some red beans boiling on the stove and forgot about them. The stone worker came to get me, thankfully; it took two weeks to rid out the burn odor from all the smoke. Then I've had repeated groundcover nightmares. They are nightmares because in them I have three unique types of groundcover on hold, purchased, at a nursery, and I cannot remember how to find the nursery or what it is called. It is a torment in the dream, for somehow I must get those plants; it is a matter of inexplicable urgency. When I awaken, for some time I still think I have groundcover being held and that I am to pick up.
So, I was ripe for a demonic attack, and I had a major one that lasted ten days or so. It became a crisis of faith. After a couple of priests helped me through that, my body collapsed from the fatigue and too much physical labor. Thus, I could no longer water or plant in the opposite extreme. But I was too ill with pain to attain spiritual reading, or to retain when I tried.
All this culminated with the unknowns of the Bishop's decision. His decision came, thus, as a relief! But after praying most of the night, I have settled down, and also, probably much so, after Mass and confession which solidified the prayers.
I cast but two nets. One was sending the resume to the woman in the Office of Spiritual Development, as she enthusiastically said to do so and to have an interview. But I've not heard from her since, and this is all right, for the job is a long-shot, and I am very detached about it, thankfully. The other net was an e-mail to some friends who have connection with an abbey, and they are praying as well as will make inquiry if there are any priests there who have experience with hermits or the hermit vocation. I feel this is good net to cast, for the information is always beneficial.
But what I concluded from prayer, Mass and confession, is that I will not do exactly as the Bishop said, but close. He said to continue on as I have been; I pray to continue on better than I have been.
There is no sense or indication that I am to move elsewhere. In fact, there is a stronger sense that I am to stay right here. I received some answers back from two diocese hermits, thankfully so. I now know that I can be a Catholic hermit without canonical approval, but consecration is the goal for reasons I've expressed in previous blogs. The hermit, however, expressed one reason in a way that hits it squarely: when one is consecrated, one enters into a new state of life. This is very important for the successful living out of the vocation, spiritually and practically. I must add that this new state of life is not only for the benefit of the hermit, but the graces and living as a consecrated eremitic would benefit the world around and people encountered. It builds the Body of the Church from inside and outside. Graces are like that; they weave in and out without often being noticed. But the fabric is strong and beautiful as a result.
I am told by the hermit that I do need spiritual direction and support of others, hermits and a community such as my parish. When I relayed some of these suggestions to my confessor, he wanted to know in what way is the parish to be a support. I figured in a way that the hermit would be accepted as a natural part, not considered strange, and to have odd notions of hermit life to be dispelled, but also as a participating member of the Body, yet with the distinctive aspects of this vocation. But, I said I'd ask what the hermit did mean, for I was surmising.
I am also told that I should take private vows while awaiting consecration, which, another hermit has e-mailed, could take years. In the meanwhile, I must live the life. I need to write out the plan of life and the rule; this I will do, as I have not written it out in a formal manner. I will also rewrite the vows I took nearly seven years ago, if they need to be altered, as I made them with the notion of anchoritic life, as I spent a year more enclosed then. Also, I hope these vows will be received, as well as the plan of life and rule, by my confessor, as he more represents the parish and diocese.
Today has been very good. After Mass and confession, I worked outside some, praying while doing so. I answered a phone call; I went a mile away and purchased three more rose bushes for the Our Lady of Fatima Rose Garden (in the Mary Garden). I did spiritual reading, rested, prayed more, corresponded, and did a couple more hours of manual labor. What I must return to is Office of Readings and Morning Prayer, but at least I have kept up with Night Prayer in the Divine Office. As the massive work load eases, hopefully soon as the weather is cooperating more and I don't have to water and the Mary Garden is nearly complete except for trees and the remaining perennials and roses, I want to add more Hours of the Office in each day. I used to, after all, and see how getting out of balance causes chaos?
What seems good, in a way perhaps others would not understand, is that I can be a hermit and live in Agnus Dei Hermitage. Somehow I just needed a category, and I am at peace being able to technically be a hermit in the Church, even though not yet and maybe not for a long time, a consecrated hermit. This makes it that my angel's message coincides with the Church's decision for now, via the Bishop. And I'm ever so grateful that my confessor is open to what the hermit life entails, and what consecration means and how it benefits one and all.
The timing of the comments of the diocese hermit has God's touch to it! Thanks!
As a result, my daily schedule became quite lopsided. I didn't think this would have such an effect. I'd go to daily Mass, but other than that, I worked. I worked and worked and burned out. One morning while weeding (yes, I had to weed much), I had some red beans boiling on the stove and forgot about them. The stone worker came to get me, thankfully; it took two weeks to rid out the burn odor from all the smoke. Then I've had repeated groundcover nightmares. They are nightmares because in them I have three unique types of groundcover on hold, purchased, at a nursery, and I cannot remember how to find the nursery or what it is called. It is a torment in the dream, for somehow I must get those plants; it is a matter of inexplicable urgency. When I awaken, for some time I still think I have groundcover being held and that I am to pick up.
So, I was ripe for a demonic attack, and I had a major one that lasted ten days or so. It became a crisis of faith. After a couple of priests helped me through that, my body collapsed from the fatigue and too much physical labor. Thus, I could no longer water or plant in the opposite extreme. But I was too ill with pain to attain spiritual reading, or to retain when I tried.
All this culminated with the unknowns of the Bishop's decision. His decision came, thus, as a relief! But after praying most of the night, I have settled down, and also, probably much so, after Mass and confession which solidified the prayers.
I cast but two nets. One was sending the resume to the woman in the Office of Spiritual Development, as she enthusiastically said to do so and to have an interview. But I've not heard from her since, and this is all right, for the job is a long-shot, and I am very detached about it, thankfully. The other net was an e-mail to some friends who have connection with an abbey, and they are praying as well as will make inquiry if there are any priests there who have experience with hermits or the hermit vocation. I feel this is good net to cast, for the information is always beneficial.
But what I concluded from prayer, Mass and confession, is that I will not do exactly as the Bishop said, but close. He said to continue on as I have been; I pray to continue on better than I have been.
There is no sense or indication that I am to move elsewhere. In fact, there is a stronger sense that I am to stay right here. I received some answers back from two diocese hermits, thankfully so. I now know that I can be a Catholic hermit without canonical approval, but consecration is the goal for reasons I've expressed in previous blogs. The hermit, however, expressed one reason in a way that hits it squarely: when one is consecrated, one enters into a new state of life. This is very important for the successful living out of the vocation, spiritually and practically. I must add that this new state of life is not only for the benefit of the hermit, but the graces and living as a consecrated eremitic would benefit the world around and people encountered. It builds the Body of the Church from inside and outside. Graces are like that; they weave in and out without often being noticed. But the fabric is strong and beautiful as a result.
I am told by the hermit that I do need spiritual direction and support of others, hermits and a community such as my parish. When I relayed some of these suggestions to my confessor, he wanted to know in what way is the parish to be a support. I figured in a way that the hermit would be accepted as a natural part, not considered strange, and to have odd notions of hermit life to be dispelled, but also as a participating member of the Body, yet with the distinctive aspects of this vocation. But, I said I'd ask what the hermit did mean, for I was surmising.
I am also told that I should take private vows while awaiting consecration, which, another hermit has e-mailed, could take years. In the meanwhile, I must live the life. I need to write out the plan of life and the rule; this I will do, as I have not written it out in a formal manner. I will also rewrite the vows I took nearly seven years ago, if they need to be altered, as I made them with the notion of anchoritic life, as I spent a year more enclosed then. Also, I hope these vows will be received, as well as the plan of life and rule, by my confessor, as he more represents the parish and diocese.
Today has been very good. After Mass and confession, I worked outside some, praying while doing so. I answered a phone call; I went a mile away and purchased three more rose bushes for the Our Lady of Fatima Rose Garden (in the Mary Garden). I did spiritual reading, rested, prayed more, corresponded, and did a couple more hours of manual labor. What I must return to is Office of Readings and Morning Prayer, but at least I have kept up with Night Prayer in the Divine Office. As the massive work load eases, hopefully soon as the weather is cooperating more and I don't have to water and the Mary Garden is nearly complete except for trees and the remaining perennials and roses, I want to add more Hours of the Office in each day. I used to, after all, and see how getting out of balance causes chaos?
What seems good, in a way perhaps others would not understand, is that I can be a hermit and live in Agnus Dei Hermitage. Somehow I just needed a category, and I am at peace being able to technically be a hermit in the Church, even though not yet and maybe not for a long time, a consecrated hermit. This makes it that my angel's message coincides with the Church's decision for now, via the Bishop. And I'm ever so grateful that my confessor is open to what the hermit life entails, and what consecration means and how it benefits one and all.
The timing of the comments of the diocese hermit has God's touch to it! Thanks!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Quo Vadis?
I hate to be a spoil sport, but I am awake in suffering, and deep in my innermost being the thought of anything but a life as a consecrated hermit brings tears to my soul.
Once again the thought comes: There is no place for me in the Catholic Church. But, I know this is not so. It is just that the Head must be in accord with the Body. The message of God must cohere with the Church.
Up to get an ice pack, and then looked at any possible e-mails. A very cogent answer has come from a diocese hermit who has a blog, who has degrees in systemic theology. Yes, I can be a hermit without canonical status and be in the Church; but yes, canonical status is necessary in another context for the reasons of which I have read and of which I sense and know.
In the meantime, I must write out my plan of life. I need support of other hermits. I need spiritual direction.
This latter is vague. My Spiritual Da is going on 88 and is declining in health. He loves me as a daughter. But he prays, and he listens, and he is holy. But he isn't so clear, and that is all right. We are anam cara. My confessor is an instrument of the Lord, also. It is what God has provided--both of these clerics. I am grateful. But it is a kind of hodge-podge of spiritual direction, nebulous, like my very existence.
Another book is recommended. The gist is given. I know from other reading why a hermit must relinquish all. I know why consecration is invaluable in the journey. I have so many, many books and have read and read and read. But it is good to know of another book out there.
The thought of working in the Office of Spiritual Development does not resonate for it is of the other world, but it could be all right if I could physically sustain the effort. I should not limit God by my physical body. He can do as He wills.
I'm not sure why my wrist is so slow in healing other than there is a tear in a muscle, a tendon, a ligament. Or stretched and damaged, for the bone protrudes yet is not broken. This injury helps me comprehend the extent of the other pain in the body, for the wrist is minor, in what in others would be major. It keeps all things in perspective. Thankfully, I have the splint to wear, and in time it will heal. It all takes earth time, these things, that God could, if He chose, command in an instant.
We had rain here tonight, heavy rain and thunder and lightning. I will not need to water in the morning. I will go to early Mass and confession. Then I will deal with roses and figure out what to do with a Rose of Sharon planted in the rose garden, as I have found out from a garden center clerk that roses do not like competition, that they do not like being near a tree.
This is so in the life of an eremitic. There can not be other competition for the soul's calling and destiny. One must be flexible in removing what does not belong.
However, I will allow the net to be drawn up and see what is in it. Regarding the Office of Spiritual Development, I would quickly become over-peopled unless God changes me innermost being and returns me to the world, gives me the graces to exist in that world, allows the physical means to endure. I suppose in the full spectrum of life, this is but a torn tendon or ligament, taking a little longer to figure out and mend.
But, it is good to know that I can be a hermit, a Catholic hermit, without canonical status. But the Church is to know that I am a hermit and the parish to be a support in this. Hmmm. The net is cast there, also.
Once again the thought comes: There is no place for me in the Catholic Church. But, I know this is not so. It is just that the Head must be in accord with the Body. The message of God must cohere with the Church.
Up to get an ice pack, and then looked at any possible e-mails. A very cogent answer has come from a diocese hermit who has a blog, who has degrees in systemic theology. Yes, I can be a hermit without canonical status and be in the Church; but yes, canonical status is necessary in another context for the reasons of which I have read and of which I sense and know.
In the meantime, I must write out my plan of life. I need support of other hermits. I need spiritual direction.
This latter is vague. My Spiritual Da is going on 88 and is declining in health. He loves me as a daughter. But he prays, and he listens, and he is holy. But he isn't so clear, and that is all right. We are anam cara. My confessor is an instrument of the Lord, also. It is what God has provided--both of these clerics. I am grateful. But it is a kind of hodge-podge of spiritual direction, nebulous, like my very existence.
Another book is recommended. The gist is given. I know from other reading why a hermit must relinquish all. I know why consecration is invaluable in the journey. I have so many, many books and have read and read and read. But it is good to know of another book out there.
The thought of working in the Office of Spiritual Development does not resonate for it is of the other world, but it could be all right if I could physically sustain the effort. I should not limit God by my physical body. He can do as He wills.
I'm not sure why my wrist is so slow in healing other than there is a tear in a muscle, a tendon, a ligament. Or stretched and damaged, for the bone protrudes yet is not broken. This injury helps me comprehend the extent of the other pain in the body, for the wrist is minor, in what in others would be major. It keeps all things in perspective. Thankfully, I have the splint to wear, and in time it will heal. It all takes earth time, these things, that God could, if He chose, command in an instant.
We had rain here tonight, heavy rain and thunder and lightning. I will not need to water in the morning. I will go to early Mass and confession. Then I will deal with roses and figure out what to do with a Rose of Sharon planted in the rose garden, as I have found out from a garden center clerk that roses do not like competition, that they do not like being near a tree.
This is so in the life of an eremitic. There can not be other competition for the soul's calling and destiny. One must be flexible in removing what does not belong.
However, I will allow the net to be drawn up and see what is in it. Regarding the Office of Spiritual Development, I would quickly become over-peopled unless God changes me innermost being and returns me to the world, gives me the graces to exist in that world, allows the physical means to endure. I suppose in the full spectrum of life, this is but a torn tendon or ligament, taking a little longer to figure out and mend.
But, it is good to know that I can be a hermit, a Catholic hermit, without canonical status. But the Church is to know that I am a hermit and the parish to be a support in this. Hmmm. The net is cast there, also.
Casting the Nets
I have one answer now. After noon Mass on this Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, the Bishop kindly inquired as to how I am feeling, and so forth. Well, I can honestly respond that the pain level is lessening, thanks be to God, so I am feeling somewhat better! Then he said again he would be responding to my letters. I told him that my spiritual father suggested that I tell the B. how I "feel", and that I had told my spiritual father that the Bishop is too busy for that.... The Bishop then said that he thinks I should just live my life as I have been, that this is his thought on the matter.
I smiled, as I knew already that the request would be unapproved, and I felt relief to at least have the response. I told him he didn't need to take the valuable time from other duties to write, but he said since I wrote to him, he should write back.
What went unsaid, of course, were some promises made to Jesus during Mass. I got my strength, so to speak, and I realized I would need to cast the nets in all directions. Then, what ever net, if any, came up with a fish, that would be an answer, and those that came up empty would be answers, also. I love the verse in Hebrews that has been a favorite for many years, the one to do with: we are not of those who shrink back and are afraid but of those who persevere and have faith.
So, the options open up. The nets are as follows:
Live as I have been living. But this refutes the message of the angel in that from what I have read, one cannot be a hermit in the Church without being consecrated, canonically approved. For one thing, I need the commitment so as to have no wriggle room, as Dom Leclerq wrote.
Consider myself off the hermit hook, and thus all of life is before me like a smorgasbord. The message was not accurate, or has somehow shifted.
Thus, I can apply for the Diocese job and pray that God give the grace and stamina necessary to do it. I can be open to finding a rich, earthly husband with a bad heart and no heirs. (This is a joke, of course.) I could investigate purchasing a Catholic bookstore that is for sale, and have that as an apostolate plus gain some social security quarters which I need in order to get medicare eventually, since I am uninsurable.
Perhaps God intends a different Bishop, so I can wait until we have a new Bishop. If it is the current VG, then it is doubtful he would canonically approve me because he does not see the necessity. (And I'm still awaiting an authoritative word on this, not opinions.)
I could cast my nets in other Dioceses with other Bishops regarding the hermit life and canonical approval.
I could cast my nets with two abbots, or even three, as an abbot can consecrate a hermit as well as a bishop. I could move nearby, rent out Agnus Dei, and be a hermit as a canonical hermit.
I could leave the Church and become a secular hermit, but I know for a fact the angel did not have this in mind! Jesus has made it clear that I am to be a Catholic, and I have been, and will be.
For now I am trying to get more roses planted, as I did none this morning due to not knowing where to place them. It has not rained yet, and seems unlikely to. I must wait until the temps drop and rain comes before I can have the trees delivered and plant the rest of the roses and other perennials, so I cannot go on road trips to cast nets at the two or three abbeys or in other Dioceses. In the meantime, I wait and pray and rejoice that at least one net came up empty and that avenue of inquiry is closed. I did e-mail the woman re. the Office of Spiritual Development job, asking her candid opinion of my working there, as it will save effort of sending resume if that net comes up empty before it is cast.
I am totally open to whatever, and desire this process of temporal elimination of possibilities, and if the angel's message was accurate, then it will come back to that: hermit life. And it will be approved by the Church, if I am to be a Catholic hermit. If I am to be a Catholic nothing, then eventually that will be made clear for there will be no fish in any nets. My gut-level is that I am to be a Catholic hermit, but I should not assume but go forth in faith and persevere in net casting. Nets are not that difficult to cast, and they are cast in prayer as well as action.
I smiled, as I knew already that the request would be unapproved, and I felt relief to at least have the response. I told him he didn't need to take the valuable time from other duties to write, but he said since I wrote to him, he should write back.
What went unsaid, of course, were some promises made to Jesus during Mass. I got my strength, so to speak, and I realized I would need to cast the nets in all directions. Then, what ever net, if any, came up with a fish, that would be an answer, and those that came up empty would be answers, also. I love the verse in Hebrews that has been a favorite for many years, the one to do with: we are not of those who shrink back and are afraid but of those who persevere and have faith.
So, the options open up. The nets are as follows:
Live as I have been living. But this refutes the message of the angel in that from what I have read, one cannot be a hermit in the Church without being consecrated, canonically approved. For one thing, I need the commitment so as to have no wriggle room, as Dom Leclerq wrote.
Consider myself off the hermit hook, and thus all of life is before me like a smorgasbord. The message was not accurate, or has somehow shifted.
Thus, I can apply for the Diocese job and pray that God give the grace and stamina necessary to do it. I can be open to finding a rich, earthly husband with a bad heart and no heirs. (This is a joke, of course.) I could investigate purchasing a Catholic bookstore that is for sale, and have that as an apostolate plus gain some social security quarters which I need in order to get medicare eventually, since I am uninsurable.
Perhaps God intends a different Bishop, so I can wait until we have a new Bishop. If it is the current VG, then it is doubtful he would canonically approve me because he does not see the necessity. (And I'm still awaiting an authoritative word on this, not opinions.)
I could cast my nets in other Dioceses with other Bishops regarding the hermit life and canonical approval.
I could cast my nets with two abbots, or even three, as an abbot can consecrate a hermit as well as a bishop. I could move nearby, rent out Agnus Dei, and be a hermit as a canonical hermit.
I could leave the Church and become a secular hermit, but I know for a fact the angel did not have this in mind! Jesus has made it clear that I am to be a Catholic, and I have been, and will be.
For now I am trying to get more roses planted, as I did none this morning due to not knowing where to place them. It has not rained yet, and seems unlikely to. I must wait until the temps drop and rain comes before I can have the trees delivered and plant the rest of the roses and other perennials, so I cannot go on road trips to cast nets at the two or three abbeys or in other Dioceses. In the meantime, I wait and pray and rejoice that at least one net came up empty and that avenue of inquiry is closed. I did e-mail the woman re. the Office of Spiritual Development job, asking her candid opinion of my working there, as it will save effort of sending resume if that net comes up empty before it is cast.
I am totally open to whatever, and desire this process of temporal elimination of possibilities, and if the angel's message was accurate, then it will come back to that: hermit life. And it will be approved by the Church, if I am to be a Catholic hermit. If I am to be a Catholic nothing, then eventually that will be made clear for there will be no fish in any nets. My gut-level is that I am to be a Catholic hermit, but I should not assume but go forth in faith and persevere in net casting. Nets are not that difficult to cast, and they are cast in prayer as well as action.
Fear the Lord; Rejoice in His Commands
My spiritual da spoke to me the other night on the phone, and then sent a note, repeating a Psalm response that he felt "said it all". We discussed my very simple rule of life, for the hermit life, and he said it could be summed up in this: Fear the Lord and rejoice in His commands.
While he said the job with the Office of Spiritual Development would be "right up my alley" and what good I could do the Diocese, we had to admit that my life is chosen for suffering and solitude and prayer. My confessor the next day commented that he did not think I could physically do that job; and I could not. But more than that, God has not called me to that job which more takes me back into the other world, where it has been pointed out to me at least three or four times, deeply and directly, that I no longer belong to that world.
Yesterday morning when mustering energy to plant some roses in the Mary Garden, and I seem to move roses I've already planted--the thought came that perhaps the Lord will ask me to move to a diocese in which consecrated hermits are not such strange unknowns. It seems unlikely, but I must be open to move if this is what God desires.
After Mass, I briefly spoke with the Vicar General/Rector/Chancelleor, also my confessor, and acknowledged that what is of vital importance in my spiritual life is not at all a priority for the Bishop. I have not received his written response in four months, and it is due to my being a peanut in comparison to the important matters pressing upon him. The reality is that he has never had me in for an appointment to ask questions of the hermit life. I commented that even if he would read a blog site to which D referred me, he would comprehend more that it isn't for anti-social recluses, and that other dioceses do consecrate eremitics, that they are part of the parish and an asset to their dioceses. So I said this to the VG, and I also said that deep in my heart I know I am to be a consecrated hermit.
He said again that he doesn't see why I cannot live the life without being canonically approved. I pointed out again what Dom Leclerq and Pere Louis Bouyer write about the matter. I did not repeat again that I know from experience that my angel would not tell me directly something, using certain words, if that is not what God specifically desires. And, without getting into another soul-mind split over the matter, into confusion and upset, I know God would not use certain terms and have me in the Catholic Church, if His own Head was not in union with His Church, the Body.
Another thing, on the topic of messages: I didn't mean to be so cavalier about them in the last blog. St. John of the Cross does warn against paying attention to visions, locutions, and other phenomenon. It is part of the detachment necessary for the soul to progress to unitive prayer and divine union. The warning is to not be obsessed or attached; but I wonder about the wisdom of not paying attention to some, if they have been culled by one's spiritual father, prayed over, and tested by time. For, if St. Joseph had ignored his dream, and not taken his family to Egypt, that would not have been good, huh? Also, what if he took his family to Syria and not to Egypt? The angel was specific. God does not send nebulous or changeable messages. The words mean what they say. When Moses was told to strike the rock once, and he struck it twice, that did not go over well with the Lord. There were consequences for Moses. But I admit I know of someone whose life is rather distracted and not taken seriously because she has gone off the deep end with every little phenomena, chases any sighting of this or that, and has her head down looking for gold on the ground rather than looking to the Cross and Christ crucified upon it.
Again, though, back to my little conversation with the VG, he again said in his opinion I could live the life without being canonically approved and God would give the graces needed. For awhile after this conversation, I thought if he would tell me, then, that it is all right for me to consider myself a hermit, to have that focus and name, then I would be at peace. But it still does not seem right, not in the light of the Catechism. But perhaps this priest who is veritably the second in authority of our Diocse, has the authority to say so and then it would be so.
I did tell him I would wait and make the request of the new Bishop (and this VG might be the interim, but I do not know if or think that he would canonically approve me since he does not see the need and necessity). In the meantime, I will also pray and listen. Perhaps I am to go elsewhere, although there have been no indications of that.
Yesterday morning, while working and praying, the example of Jacob and Esau came to mind. So I also told the VG, and this made him chuckle, that with the next Bishop, I would not be "myself" and would not reveal certain aspects of my interior life, as with the current Bishop, being myself was not what he could accept, as he could not grasp "myself." I said with the next Bishop, I would "pull the wool" as Jacob did in order to gain the birthright.
As for fearing the Lord and rejoicing in His commands, recently I read some sermons by St. Francis de Sales on the Blessed Virgin Mary. He said that one must love the One Who gives the commands, and also love the command. I am praying and working on loving the hermit life, for that is God's command to me, and I love God, but I admit I have not loved the command.
While he said the job with the Office of Spiritual Development would be "right up my alley" and what good I could do the Diocese, we had to admit that my life is chosen for suffering and solitude and prayer. My confessor the next day commented that he did not think I could physically do that job; and I could not. But more than that, God has not called me to that job which more takes me back into the other world, where it has been pointed out to me at least three or four times, deeply and directly, that I no longer belong to that world.
Yesterday morning when mustering energy to plant some roses in the Mary Garden, and I seem to move roses I've already planted--the thought came that perhaps the Lord will ask me to move to a diocese in which consecrated hermits are not such strange unknowns. It seems unlikely, but I must be open to move if this is what God desires.
After Mass, I briefly spoke with the Vicar General/Rector/Chancelleor, also my confessor, and acknowledged that what is of vital importance in my spiritual life is not at all a priority for the Bishop. I have not received his written response in four months, and it is due to my being a peanut in comparison to the important matters pressing upon him. The reality is that he has never had me in for an appointment to ask questions of the hermit life. I commented that even if he would read a blog site to which D referred me, he would comprehend more that it isn't for anti-social recluses, and that other dioceses do consecrate eremitics, that they are part of the parish and an asset to their dioceses. So I said this to the VG, and I also said that deep in my heart I know I am to be a consecrated hermit.
He said again that he doesn't see why I cannot live the life without being canonically approved. I pointed out again what Dom Leclerq and Pere Louis Bouyer write about the matter. I did not repeat again that I know from experience that my angel would not tell me directly something, using certain words, if that is not what God specifically desires. And, without getting into another soul-mind split over the matter, into confusion and upset, I know God would not use certain terms and have me in the Catholic Church, if His own Head was not in union with His Church, the Body.
Another thing, on the topic of messages: I didn't mean to be so cavalier about them in the last blog. St. John of the Cross does warn against paying attention to visions, locutions, and other phenomenon. It is part of the detachment necessary for the soul to progress to unitive prayer and divine union. The warning is to not be obsessed or attached; but I wonder about the wisdom of not paying attention to some, if they have been culled by one's spiritual father, prayed over, and tested by time. For, if St. Joseph had ignored his dream, and not taken his family to Egypt, that would not have been good, huh? Also, what if he took his family to Syria and not to Egypt? The angel was specific. God does not send nebulous or changeable messages. The words mean what they say. When Moses was told to strike the rock once, and he struck it twice, that did not go over well with the Lord. There were consequences for Moses. But I admit I know of someone whose life is rather distracted and not taken seriously because she has gone off the deep end with every little phenomena, chases any sighting of this or that, and has her head down looking for gold on the ground rather than looking to the Cross and Christ crucified upon it.
Again, though, back to my little conversation with the VG, he again said in his opinion I could live the life without being canonically approved and God would give the graces needed. For awhile after this conversation, I thought if he would tell me, then, that it is all right for me to consider myself a hermit, to have that focus and name, then I would be at peace. But it still does not seem right, not in the light of the Catechism. But perhaps this priest who is veritably the second in authority of our Diocse, has the authority to say so and then it would be so.
I did tell him I would wait and make the request of the new Bishop (and this VG might be the interim, but I do not know if or think that he would canonically approve me since he does not see the need and necessity). In the meantime, I will also pray and listen. Perhaps I am to go elsewhere, although there have been no indications of that.
Yesterday morning, while working and praying, the example of Jacob and Esau came to mind. So I also told the VG, and this made him chuckle, that with the next Bishop, I would not be "myself" and would not reveal certain aspects of my interior life, as with the current Bishop, being myself was not what he could accept, as he could not grasp "myself." I said with the next Bishop, I would "pull the wool" as Jacob did in order to gain the birthright.
As for fearing the Lord and rejoicing in His commands, recently I read some sermons by St. Francis de Sales on the Blessed Virgin Mary. He said that one must love the One Who gives the commands, and also love the command. I am praying and working on loving the hermit life, for that is God's command to me, and I love God, but I admit I have not loved the command.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Departs for a Time
This means that it will return, or could return, is most likely to return: the devil with more temptations.
I had one within the hour of writing about the temptation to the fun job. It was the temptation to return to a club that promotes religious vocations, to volunteer to chair the vocations committee. Of course, I thought about how one must not test the Lord our God, as Jesus said following His vanquishment of the devil in the third desert temptation.
Ill most of the day with suffering, I made it to Mass this evening as I was slated as Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. Made it through with the help of an ice pack used when in the pew.
The second reading from Hebrews struck me, as Hebrews always does. That bit about faith, of faith being unseen. Then the listing of the examples in the OT of faithful servants of the Lord. Yes, I am called to greater faith in this time of unexpected trial to the religious solitary life.
Okay. I'll use the word: the hermit life.
In my mind, in prayer, I went over yet again some past messages, going back many years. I went over the facts of my life and circumstances and the seemingly inexplicable ways in which I have been curtailed from "active duty." I recalled a loving but firm visit in essence from Padre Pio and his command: Silence and Penance! No, he did not say: Active apostolate! He did not say: Fun job! Or: Be a group leader!
In any other message reviewed, Jesus calls me to a certain vocation, and that vocation in all of Church history involves much solitude and hiddenness. While my part may be quite small, the size of the job does not change the requirements and circumstances in which to do that job.
I prayed kneeling close to the altar, near the Tabernacle, after we did what we were to do with the vessels after Mass. Just had a little chat with Jesus and asked some help in persevering. I also talked over with him the fact that I realize that I seem to be faltering a bit right now, and how odd that is, for I have lived in and experienced far more solitude previously but without the seeming panic, or temptations, or whatever this is going on. What comes to my mind is that the fact of the call and vocation is settling in, regardless of canonical approval forthcoming. The reality that this is what God wills for me, and that somehow His will shall be done, is making it all the more serious business. I think this is a good thing, for surely Jesus needs me to realize the total view, just like the builder needing to count the costs and the general needing to aprise the approaching army, as Jesus told in some analogies in the Gospel readings of the past couple of weeks.
Now, what is my response? Obviously, it is to do His will, cheerfully. But I admit I have asked Jesus to help me to desire this and not be afraid, and to be more, much more cheerful. I also pray to toss out the temptations heading back into the world, even the world of the Church, before the temptations become sticklers in my mind. To just go in faith. Yes, I am basing my life now, the living out of it, on messages, dreams, visions and circumstances. But it is reviewed by my spiritual da, and my confessor some, and even before Catholic, life unfolded in accordance except when I would not heed. Then things would shift and be more difficult, yet God would still work things out, albeit with more consequence to me.
Frankly, here's another thing: I no doubt have irritated Padre Pio no end by my not heeding what he said. That's why all this is dragging out. I am the drag on the program. Must stop that.
I had one within the hour of writing about the temptation to the fun job. It was the temptation to return to a club that promotes religious vocations, to volunteer to chair the vocations committee. Of course, I thought about how one must not test the Lord our God, as Jesus said following His vanquishment of the devil in the third desert temptation.
Ill most of the day with suffering, I made it to Mass this evening as I was slated as Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. Made it through with the help of an ice pack used when in the pew.
The second reading from Hebrews struck me, as Hebrews always does. That bit about faith, of faith being unseen. Then the listing of the examples in the OT of faithful servants of the Lord. Yes, I am called to greater faith in this time of unexpected trial to the religious solitary life.
Okay. I'll use the word: the hermit life.
In my mind, in prayer, I went over yet again some past messages, going back many years. I went over the facts of my life and circumstances and the seemingly inexplicable ways in which I have been curtailed from "active duty." I recalled a loving but firm visit in essence from Padre Pio and his command: Silence and Penance! No, he did not say: Active apostolate! He did not say: Fun job! Or: Be a group leader!
In any other message reviewed, Jesus calls me to a certain vocation, and that vocation in all of Church history involves much solitude and hiddenness. While my part may be quite small, the size of the job does not change the requirements and circumstances in which to do that job.
I prayed kneeling close to the altar, near the Tabernacle, after we did what we were to do with the vessels after Mass. Just had a little chat with Jesus and asked some help in persevering. I also talked over with him the fact that I realize that I seem to be faltering a bit right now, and how odd that is, for I have lived in and experienced far more solitude previously but without the seeming panic, or temptations, or whatever this is going on. What comes to my mind is that the fact of the call and vocation is settling in, regardless of canonical approval forthcoming. The reality that this is what God wills for me, and that somehow His will shall be done, is making it all the more serious business. I think this is a good thing, for surely Jesus needs me to realize the total view, just like the builder needing to count the costs and the general needing to aprise the approaching army, as Jesus told in some analogies in the Gospel readings of the past couple of weeks.
Now, what is my response? Obviously, it is to do His will, cheerfully. But I admit I have asked Jesus to help me to desire this and not be afraid, and to be more, much more cheerful. I also pray to toss out the temptations heading back into the world, even the world of the Church, before the temptations become sticklers in my mind. To just go in faith. Yes, I am basing my life now, the living out of it, on messages, dreams, visions and circumstances. But it is reviewed by my spiritual da, and my confessor some, and even before Catholic, life unfolded in accordance except when I would not heed. Then things would shift and be more difficult, yet God would still work things out, albeit with more consequence to me.
Frankly, here's another thing: I no doubt have irritated Padre Pio no end by my not heeding what he said. That's why all this is dragging out. I am the drag on the program. Must stop that.
The Carrot Dangles, Dangled, Departs for a Time
Here we have it: my absolute, all-time DREAM JOB.
Last night I read the advertisement in the diocese paper. It is a job in the Office of Spiritual Development. All my earthly talents and training would be utilized in a job such as this.
Six hours previous to seeing this job posting I was once more in confession unveiling my desires for a fun job yet acknowledging that Jesus has given me the job He desires for me. I thus committed myself to be cheerful, at the scrunching of the confessor who asked me if I am accepting cheerfully.
Friday morning I had asked Jesus if I could have just some small job in the diocese to help distract and to be part of the action. By mid-afternoon I had my little job, and it was that of suffering, and for the most part suffering alone. But suffering for a cause. By evening I was complaining once more that the job is not a fun job.
As I lay in bed, my eyes rested upon the Crucifix on the wall, then to the framed picture of Jesus' Head crowned with thorns, then to the large statue of our Sorrowful Mother. So I said aloud how sorry am I, as they do not have fun jobs whatsoever, never have and do not now. Not fun in the suffering, but joyful in the outcomes for souls, for eternity.
That's why I was back in the confessional the next day, realizing another hangnail to my being a complete hermit needed to be clipped. The problem with hangnails is that the skin grows back, but this is how it goes all through one's earthly existence. Clip, clip, clip and clip again.
So I avow myself to the little job God gives me, and am uplifted and full of courage. I am deeply accepting of having an unfun job but a job for, with and in Christ, hopefully and surely.
I repeat the acknowledgement that God cannot do much with me if I keep squirming, running off, or trying to topple Him to my desires like a toddler trying to topple his daddy.
I even tell my usual confessor after Mass, later, that I have recommitted myself all the more, that I am grateful and fortunate to be allowed to be a Catholic, that I am accepting of my unfun job and very grateful to have it, and that I am going to control my mind better from doubting.
Then, later on, I read the paper and see that ad. Oh my!
This morning I awaken after a night of help from beyond, but in much physical pain. Much. I mull over the job opportunity, the fun job, and my head-pained daydreams begin. But I recall the temptations of Jesus, and I read Luke 4. Yes, Jesus was tempted and offered the whole kingdom, all that fun which would utilize all his earthly talents and training. Just think, I could have a place in the Catholic Church, a place in the Diocese, and even a paycheck!
Jesus said, though, "You shall worship the Lord your God, and him alone shall you serve."
Later, after even a greater temptation which Jesus didn't fall for, literally and spiritually, it is written: "When the devil had finished every temptation, he departed from him for a time" (Luke 4:13).
So, in my head comes the thought, and not from me as my thoughts are not wise and prudent, that this job thing is about the biggest, dangling carrot yet. But of Whom do I believe and listen? Has my angel ever told me that God has chosen me for the Office of Spiritual Development? No. He has told me God has chosen me for the "hermit life." That I am obviously not ready should not matter. Even the confessor asked me if God changes His Mind when I had that wild card pop up, thinking maybe God had decided He didn't want me for the hermit life.
Frankly, the hermit life was not on my ten-most-desired-things-I-want-to-be list. But I so want to do the will of God, and deep in my heart I know this is His will. And, I have to admit that I do take to this life often, when I am not exerting my own self-will as much. I know that my life circumstances have been directed into a hermit vocation, and most of the time I have found tremendous peace and absorb what I am to learn and how to be for God, in His wounds. Maybe it is a good thing that I know I would not dream up, to choose on my own, to be a hermit.
Amidst all the dangling carrots, I can readily see the irony of my confession and deeper commitment, and then the job posting. And then this morning the suffering and a comment on this little blog site, a rare comment but a rare jewel helping me to swipe away the temptation to what would have been my dream job in the Diocese and a little, fun place in the earthly kingdom. But it simply is not God's will for me, and I know this. And the peace in knowing this is more fun, and even the suffering is more fun, in its own dimension, here in the silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, simplicity, stability, selflessness (weak but perking), stillness and serenity.
That there will be more temptations, or something, as the devil departs for a time, is not my concern at the moment. My diocese hermit messenger this morning has given me much to consider in letting things unfold and progress, to go with the flow, in God's way and present moment plan.
God is letting me know my job and my place.
One must be rid of dangling carrots by tossing out the carrots, not by slowly peeling and nibbling on them.
Last night I read the advertisement in the diocese paper. It is a job in the Office of Spiritual Development. All my earthly talents and training would be utilized in a job such as this.
Six hours previous to seeing this job posting I was once more in confession unveiling my desires for a fun job yet acknowledging that Jesus has given me the job He desires for me. I thus committed myself to be cheerful, at the scrunching of the confessor who asked me if I am accepting cheerfully.
Friday morning I had asked Jesus if I could have just some small job in the diocese to help distract and to be part of the action. By mid-afternoon I had my little job, and it was that of suffering, and for the most part suffering alone. But suffering for a cause. By evening I was complaining once more that the job is not a fun job.
As I lay in bed, my eyes rested upon the Crucifix on the wall, then to the framed picture of Jesus' Head crowned with thorns, then to the large statue of our Sorrowful Mother. So I said aloud how sorry am I, as they do not have fun jobs whatsoever, never have and do not now. Not fun in the suffering, but joyful in the outcomes for souls, for eternity.
That's why I was back in the confessional the next day, realizing another hangnail to my being a complete hermit needed to be clipped. The problem with hangnails is that the skin grows back, but this is how it goes all through one's earthly existence. Clip, clip, clip and clip again.
So I avow myself to the little job God gives me, and am uplifted and full of courage. I am deeply accepting of having an unfun job but a job for, with and in Christ, hopefully and surely.
I repeat the acknowledgement that God cannot do much with me if I keep squirming, running off, or trying to topple Him to my desires like a toddler trying to topple his daddy.
I even tell my usual confessor after Mass, later, that I have recommitted myself all the more, that I am grateful and fortunate to be allowed to be a Catholic, that I am accepting of my unfun job and very grateful to have it, and that I am going to control my mind better from doubting.
Then, later on, I read the paper and see that ad. Oh my!
This morning I awaken after a night of help from beyond, but in much physical pain. Much. I mull over the job opportunity, the fun job, and my head-pained daydreams begin. But I recall the temptations of Jesus, and I read Luke 4. Yes, Jesus was tempted and offered the whole kingdom, all that fun which would utilize all his earthly talents and training. Just think, I could have a place in the Catholic Church, a place in the Diocese, and even a paycheck!
Jesus said, though, "You shall worship the Lord your God, and him alone shall you serve."
Later, after even a greater temptation which Jesus didn't fall for, literally and spiritually, it is written: "When the devil had finished every temptation, he departed from him for a time" (Luke 4:13).
So, in my head comes the thought, and not from me as my thoughts are not wise and prudent, that this job thing is about the biggest, dangling carrot yet. But of Whom do I believe and listen? Has my angel ever told me that God has chosen me for the Office of Spiritual Development? No. He has told me God has chosen me for the "hermit life." That I am obviously not ready should not matter. Even the confessor asked me if God changes His Mind when I had that wild card pop up, thinking maybe God had decided He didn't want me for the hermit life.
Frankly, the hermit life was not on my ten-most-desired-things-I-want-to-be list. But I so want to do the will of God, and deep in my heart I know this is His will. And, I have to admit that I do take to this life often, when I am not exerting my own self-will as much. I know that my life circumstances have been directed into a hermit vocation, and most of the time I have found tremendous peace and absorb what I am to learn and how to be for God, in His wounds. Maybe it is a good thing that I know I would not dream up, to choose on my own, to be a hermit.
Amidst all the dangling carrots, I can readily see the irony of my confession and deeper commitment, and then the job posting. And then this morning the suffering and a comment on this little blog site, a rare comment but a rare jewel helping me to swipe away the temptation to what would have been my dream job in the Diocese and a little, fun place in the earthly kingdom. But it simply is not God's will for me, and I know this. And the peace in knowing this is more fun, and even the suffering is more fun, in its own dimension, here in the silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, simplicity, stability, selflessness (weak but perking), stillness and serenity.
That there will be more temptations, or something, as the devil departs for a time, is not my concern at the moment. My diocese hermit messenger this morning has given me much to consider in letting things unfold and progress, to go with the flow, in God's way and present moment plan.
God is letting me know my job and my place.
One must be rid of dangling carrots by tossing out the carrots, not by slowly peeling and nibbling on them.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Not using the "H" word
The Bishop seems unlikely to approve canonical consecration for the eremitic life. This is for several reasons, and the best is because Jesus may not decide He wants this for me at this time. No doubt, from the past several weeks' events, I am not at all ready.
There are chinks in my armor, weaknesses, doubts, tempations to despair. The intense sense of isolation in this vocation is something to accept, and no easy something at that. Yet, the life continues on, without any breakthrough in any other direction.
So I will not use the "h" word. I will not refer to myself as a hermit, complete or incomplete, or refer to Agnus Dei as a hermitage.
The Bishop also has changed his affect toward me. For a lovely year, he was quite warm, pleased to see me and exchange some interesting thoughts. Now he is chilled, says little, except one day he did say, "Being close to God is enough." He also says rotely: Pray for your Bishop! Of course I do!
I suspect what caused the turn of affect, and it is my own fault. But I had no other options, really. I needed to ask him to reconsecrate a parish that is infested. It is a nasty situation there, and I know in faith that something could be done, at least attempted, through reconsecration. The Catholic Church does have the means, after all, to send the devils off. I did not use the word "infested" in my request; I was at least not that dumb. Yet, I knew it could likely change our relationship and tweak him. Such matters as the paranormal are not a comfortable fit in most people. But, how could I not request this? If something more happens there, I'd have a hard time not feeling--and being--culpable. So, I delivered the request and face the consequences.
I flipped out at first. I do not handle rejection well at all. And this is no doubt something Jesus needs me to handle before I could be any good as a hermit. Hermits must take to rejection like the Japanese Beetles are taking to my rose blossoms and leaves. They just eat them up as if first nature.
Then, I had a huge despair and felt as if I was in hell and couldn't get out. When I'd think of not being Catholic (the hardships have been a bit tough at times), I'd grow even worse in despair. Then, it would grow dark and empty and hopeless. Finally it all got worked out when my confessor had a little talk on the phone when he returned. But by then I 'd determined to battle the attack by fighting back through the Sacraments and with sacramentals. It is working well.
But in all, I realize that I am far too impure, am maybe not deeply accepting yet of the solitude that goes with the consecration, and yet, here I am in more solitude and aloneness than ever. God is evidently giving me more practice and training.
Now, what to be called? What place or category do I have in the Catholic Church? None, really. I could be called a good-for-nothing, but that sounds self-pitying even though it is simply a truism and not a bad thing, sort of like being a bauble. I could be a mystic, but that raises far too many questions among the faithful, and sends them leaping to wrong assumptions and uneasiness. Mystics are not automatically saints, and I am no saint.
But I consider a good definition of a mystic, by virtue of the Bishop telling me that being close to God, is this: A mystic is one who knows that being close to God is enough. How's that?
Something else happened today, but it is of a different category so perhaps later I will write about it, and try to sort out the temptations to doubt, on my other blog for victim souls of the Sacred Heart.
There are chinks in my armor, weaknesses, doubts, tempations to despair. The intense sense of isolation in this vocation is something to accept, and no easy something at that. Yet, the life continues on, without any breakthrough in any other direction.
So I will not use the "h" word. I will not refer to myself as a hermit, complete or incomplete, or refer to Agnus Dei as a hermitage.
The Bishop also has changed his affect toward me. For a lovely year, he was quite warm, pleased to see me and exchange some interesting thoughts. Now he is chilled, says little, except one day he did say, "Being close to God is enough." He also says rotely: Pray for your Bishop! Of course I do!
I suspect what caused the turn of affect, and it is my own fault. But I had no other options, really. I needed to ask him to reconsecrate a parish that is infested. It is a nasty situation there, and I know in faith that something could be done, at least attempted, through reconsecration. The Catholic Church does have the means, after all, to send the devils off. I did not use the word "infested" in my request; I was at least not that dumb. Yet, I knew it could likely change our relationship and tweak him. Such matters as the paranormal are not a comfortable fit in most people. But, how could I not request this? If something more happens there, I'd have a hard time not feeling--and being--culpable. So, I delivered the request and face the consequences.
I flipped out at first. I do not handle rejection well at all. And this is no doubt something Jesus needs me to handle before I could be any good as a hermit. Hermits must take to rejection like the Japanese Beetles are taking to my rose blossoms and leaves. They just eat them up as if first nature.
Then, I had a huge despair and felt as if I was in hell and couldn't get out. When I'd think of not being Catholic (the hardships have been a bit tough at times), I'd grow even worse in despair. Then, it would grow dark and empty and hopeless. Finally it all got worked out when my confessor had a little talk on the phone when he returned. But by then I 'd determined to battle the attack by fighting back through the Sacraments and with sacramentals. It is working well.
But in all, I realize that I am far too impure, am maybe not deeply accepting yet of the solitude that goes with the consecration, and yet, here I am in more solitude and aloneness than ever. God is evidently giving me more practice and training.
Now, what to be called? What place or category do I have in the Catholic Church? None, really. I could be called a good-for-nothing, but that sounds self-pitying even though it is simply a truism and not a bad thing, sort of like being a bauble. I could be a mystic, but that raises far too many questions among the faithful, and sends them leaping to wrong assumptions and uneasiness. Mystics are not automatically saints, and I am no saint.
But I consider a good definition of a mystic, by virtue of the Bishop telling me that being close to God, is this: A mystic is one who knows that being close to God is enough. How's that?
Something else happened today, but it is of a different category so perhaps later I will write about it, and try to sort out the temptations to doubt, on my other blog for victim souls of the Sacred Heart.
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