Thoughts from Lake Immaculata

The little pond behind the hermitage I have named "Lake Immaculata." Beyond this small pond is a railroad track with immense trains rumbling by, breaking the silence and reminding me that I am not in heaven, that this is yet the world. I am grateful, for the silence and solitude can become frightening and overwhelming--since I am at this stage an incomplete hermit.

The name of the hermitage, a small house in a subdivision, is called Agnus Dei. The house is dedicated to Our Lady, the Handmaid of the Lord. Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich relates in her visions that after Jesus ascended to Heaven, St. John the Apostle had a small house built for the Virgin Mary, outside Ephesus. There she lived, with a maidservant, for the next approximately 14 and a half years until she was assumed into heaven. It was in this house that she prayed and lived quietly, with the apostles and others, such as some women, coming to visit on occasion. Tradition reports that she was taken to Jerusalem a couple of times during this time period. It was at this little house outside Ephesus where the Virgin Mary created the Stations of the Cross by using simple stones to mark the distance that she walked, following her Son on His way to Calvary. The stones she marked with numbers, and there were fourteen that she placed up on the hillside behind the small house built of stones.

Somehow it has been instilled in me that I am to be the maidservant of the Handmaid of the Lord. This is very deep and real, and I am trying my human best to learn what it is to be a maidservant to the Handmaid.

Living here with Our Lady requires much thought regarding the furnishings and layout. Prudence has been necessary. I have been very busy going out into the world to acquire materials necessary, such as light and plumbing fixtures, and flooring. As much as possible, the maidservant did manual labor, painting the walls and ceilings from the drywall stage onward. I tiled the two very small bathroom floors and with two handymen laid the wood floors. Every item purchased, such as appliances and all else, I purchased with discounts or rebates, except just two or three small fixtures. It seems the maidservant would be careful and yet not scrimp in moderate quality.

For, this is the end-of-life hermitage for both Our Lady and her maidservant.

The maidservant has had much guilt in living in such comfort and relative luxury. I bought (on clearance and on sale) a new sofa and two chairs, bookshelves, and nook table and chairs. One of the chairs is going back to the store, for it is just not the style that the Queen of Heaven and earth would sit in! Now, this seems ridiculous, even to the maidservant, yet deep within, it just wasn't "right." Another more fitting, purchased on sale, will replace the one that does not fit in. But it is these types of considerations which have me questioning, until the soul is scoured for motives, to the best that I can know my intentions.

Somehow, it seems that this hermitage must not stand out, so it looks very typical for a small subdivision house of our time. It has the solutude, however, necessary for a hermit; it is outside a moderately sized Midwest city. Looking out the back, one would not know there are others anywhere near, for it seems isolated but is not. This choice of location seemed prudent, for the maidservant is past mid-age and has health considerations in a damaged back and neck: constant pain. She could not live in a hut in the woods, for this would not be prudent, nor would it be charitable to others in the long run.

On the interior, this hermitage is very comfortable and hopefully inviting. The colors are all symbolic, room by room, of aspects of Mary's life and Jesus' life. It reflects the Most Holy Trinity; yet it also is built so as to be utilizable for guests and eventually, for use by others after the maidservant's passing. So far, the only guests have been the maidservant's adult daughter and infant grandson--and workers who have come to help in ways the maidservant had not the strength or expertise. Perhaps they are like the apostles who came to help from time to time.

Anyway, it has been very difficult for the maidservant to accept the comforts and loveliness, although all honors the Virgin Mary who, as Bl. Emmerich reports, dressed nicely, and the house was of moderate quality for those times. As the maidservant's spiritual director has said, it is better to pray warm than to try praying frozen. More so, I realize that part of a "constant" or "given" of hermit life, no matter the time period or culture, is to not be noticed.

A fine Catholic man recently said, "But the early hermits had many people come who had noticed them." "Yes," I replied, "but they did not do anything to ask for this notice. It was God's doing that people came, and they came for spiritual counsel or help, or were passing through and needed a place to stay."

It seemed, in praying for the name the Handmaid desired for the hermitage, that she would have called Jesus her "little lamb" when he was young, and later would see Him in His agony as the sacrificial lamb of God, and after His resurrection and ascension, that He was the Lamb of God in Heaven. So, Agnus Dei it is. In Aramaic, "little house of Mary" is called Betmaryam. This Betmaryam is Agnus Dei.

The maidservant still needs prayers for inner peace about living in such comfort, with such blessings of running water, heat, lovely view, and other modern conveniences. It seems a dichotomy from what the imagination considers for a hermit and hermitage; but it fits for the fact that this little house is truly the house of Mary, and the maidservant is simply here, learning how to serve.

The Definitive Message

Over six weeks ago, in the wee hours, my Guardian Angel appeared in a dream. He was dressed in a business suit, for he meant business. (Of course, angels do not have gender, but God allows them to manifest in ways that do not frighten us and are efficient to our way of perceiving.)

I could see him although he was talking to me via telephone. In dreams, for me, this means God wants my direct attention for a direct message. My angel mildly chastized me for not appreciating or valuing what God had chosen for me: the hermit life. He explained many things, and I remained silent, for it was all too true. I had not valued the life of prayer and of a religious solitary. I far more desired and thought valuable the life of an active person, active in the Catholic Church and doing good for the Church. I also wanted distraction, and the eremitic life is quite difficult for someone like me. So when my angel used the specific term hermit, I could feel myself cringing, even in that dream state.

My angel further told me that God values what He has chosen for me very much, and that I should consider it an honor to be chosen for this hermit life which God Himself values highly.

I spent several days mulling it over before bringing it up to my spiritual director. This wise, old Irish priest said that it was valid and from God, and that my life had been progressing in this direction. I said I much preferred the term "religious solitary" to "hermit". But in submission and attempted meekness, I realized I'd better get used to the term "hermit", for that is what was spoken by the angel. I'd better not mess with God, as I'd pushed the limits already.

In time I used the word "hermit" and "hermitage" in reference to my life and also to the little house I was just about ready to move into. A friend e-mailed me and said that I was not a "complete" hermit because I have adult children who call me, I get out and about, have modern conveniences, and contacts with people in general.

This caused me to begin a marvelous and necessary major reflection on just what is a "complete hermit"? At root, I realized I do not have to be too concerned about being a complete or incomplete hermit, for I know that God has chosen this life for me, and the graces will be there if I cooperate.

To my confessor I shared the message, briefly, and added that another friend and his wife had said that I was not at all the hermit "type", being conversant and out-going. The confessor said it really does not have to do with personality, being a hermit. He pointed out that St. Francis of Assisi was a hermit; and so he was, although we don't think of this popular, active man as such.

Now in the little hermitage, which is quite lovely, and adapting to the stillness and solitude and slowness, I realize that this is indeed what God has chosen for me because it is the MOST DIFFICULT CHALLENGE OF MY EARTHLY EXISTENCE, and God would not have chosen something easy for me. I am always to take the path of greater suffering; and for me, this is it.

So, for anyone out there who has imaginative, romanticized or austere ideas, or even a grasp of the historical view of hermit life, this blog site will follow my journey in discerning and discovering what it is to be a "complete hermit" in this present time and culture. To this, I will share thoughts and insights, whether or not others agree. Above all, I admit that I am very much an incomplete hermit at this stage but very much desire to be complete, for God's sake, at some point, in this life or after.

I welcome comments along the way.