Abandonment to Reality

Yesterday I had no human contact or spoke to anyone until a woman after the evening Mass introduced herself and we chatted briefly. Then, I called a friend out of state whose husband has had some serious problems. The report is he is improving, thanks be to God!

It is good to have old and long-term friends, particularly for one who suffers a great deal, for others do not comprehend the pain and what it does to the energy level, the mind, the emotions. I don't have any friends, close ones, in the area other than a cousin, but she is not Catholic, and so that leaves off a chunk of deep sharing, but sometimes I venture into aspects of Catholicism.

There was a couple with whom I thought I could be more myself. My first instincts with the woman was that of not-so-sure. But after a year, I decided to trust. It has turned out that I should not, although there is only one way of knowing for sure, and that is to try opening up more, and then see what happens.

Today my confessor mentioned to me that friendships cannot be based upon therapeutic need. Well, in my life of so much pain, and then better times, and then more pain, and not knowing how long will be the ordeal, or if it will get better, and looking just fine on the outside--I do need friends who can endure for the long haul, as I'm in the business of suffering, for life.

And being a friend to me means enduring when I need to vent, to be distracted, for when the pain places me on the brink of insanity. And, I am a friend to others who would have need. But, I have time to be a friend. People in the active world do not have time except for friendships in which people can go and do, sit, eat out, chit chat, even if it is religious chit chat.

Somehow I suspect that the woman said something to my confessor, for she knows him well. She had said something about my pain and my discerning hermit vocation to a priest who is a friend of theirs, but I had not asked for his input as I don't even know who the priest is. I am not discerning the vocation, anyway; it is here, present and clear. I am discerning in what mode and means the Lord desires me to live it out, day by day. But, she gave the message from this priest that I could not possibly discern any vocation until I had the pain under control. It is never going to be under control when it rises to a point of such intense suffering and for a long duration, that one can barely hang on emotionally or mentally. Somehow the body hangs on! Then came an e-mail with descriptions of many people in horrible circumstances.

I've been at the suffering business so long that I know what the woman's agenda was, and it is a good one if a person is feeling sorry for oneself. But I was not. I was merely trying to endure through a long-lasting pain ordeal and spiritual despair along with it. But, I was thankful for her list, for I have been praying for the people on it. I offer this suffering all the time, for all kinds of intentions.

Anyway, it is looking more and more like I will not have the job, and thus not a good and selfless distraction. The VG is quite realistic about my pain situation, although I still think I'd like to have the chance to see if "doing" something more pro-active and spiritual for others would help me cope with the suffering. But I am a little bothered about the comment about friendships, for it seems he, too, does not comprehend. Or maybe I did not comprehend and have not.

The reality is, I do need people who can listen and be supportive and encouraging. My protestant sister who lives far away happened to call when I was in bed, and she knows some of what it has been for the past 23 years. She said if she lived here, she'd go to Taco Bell, bring some food over, and just sit with me and talk. Leave it to the protestants to come up with the right idea, works-oriented that it is. I wouldn't have been able to stomach any food due to the pain, but it would have helped get through an hour or so, and it does take a certain comprehension of suffering in order to journey with someone through chronic pain.

But the reality remains, that I do not have people close by and especially not Catholic people, and I know God allows this for a reason, and the only reason I can think of is that He wants me to be alone with Him, solus Deus.

And that brings me right back to the hermit life, and that my particular hermit call is defined within the confines of suffering. I must go by the present moment, and a woman with major mental struggles would like me to stop by this afternoon, so I will. Most of my offering is of self to others, but when I needed a little help and encouragement, God did not allow the people I thought, I hoped, would be friends in, yes, time of therapeutic need.