The Hermit Has Contrition of Heart

Of course I do not wish to be negative or snapping. I suppose Padre Pio did not wish to be snapping, either. It is written that he sobbed and sobbed when he was told he had to be in basic house exile for a couple or more years, and he was never allowed to correspond again with his beloved spiritual director.

Talk about letter of anguish! Padre Pio wrote so in anguish.

But this hermit is apologizing for the negativity in the blogs, of the harshness in any way expressed, or frustrations vented.

This is a journey not only of the hermit life but of the life as victim soul, of intense physical suffering which includes much emotional pain in conjunction. The spiritual pain is icing on the soul's cake.

A priest has e-mailed that he believes I have been under demonic attack. It seems so to me, too. But today it is fairly peaceful, and I am staying in, staying down, laying low, trying to cope with the physical suffering. At times I consider trying to find someone to take me to some ER and beg demorol and vistiril, but the dose that is necessary is higher than what they would likely give, although I have my doctor's written note from years back as to the dosage needed. But it is the expense, as I have no health insurance, and the reality that even if it knocked me out for a few hours of blessed relief, I would be back to face the pain, and so may as well keep facing it without huge expense.

Part of the day has been spent in watching a Sr. Laurel's final profession of vows in a Mass for her consecration as a Diocese hermit in CA. It is lovely! I know I have been questioning if the public vows are necessary, and if it is too much hoopla for a hermit, but I find it all necessary especially for a healthy hermit or at least those more healthy than this one. More active hermits can better interface with people, and people, being comfortable with them and helping in matters of the soul, are part of a hermit's call. In that, Sr. Laurel's life and her blog site are very beneficial for the hermit vocation in general.

I was particularly taken by her Bishop's warmth and gentleness, his being so comfortable with her vocation and in consecrating her soul to the eremitical life.

As for this hermit, my diocese milieu and circumstances thus far are not heading in such a warm and embracing event. But, one cannot know what God will do in future. Also, I am praying much about victim souls who are veritable hermits, and praying as to which vocation God desires as predominant, if that is the case, or if both are equivalent and to be lived out in obscurity. Victim souls do live mostly in obscurity, and many hermits do, also. Obviously, I am in a kind of obscurity already, and am nailed to the cross today very much, and have been for about 23 years. It is the aspirations to interact in the Diocese, now, that I must allow to die, to be nailed along with the physical issues as well as the therapeutic needs that go along with such intractible pain, without adequate pain medication, for it is costly, addictive and hard to come by for chronic suffers. I look to Bl. Anne Emmerich for inspiration and many others who were so alone and suffered without means to subdue the pain other than through rest, prayer, and hiddenness.

By watching the Mass celebrating Sr. Laurel's final vows, I did see that there would be built-in support and positivity in public vows, in people knowing, in the Bishop making his approval known. It creates a certain validity for the hermit, in an outer way, and of course is supernatural in the graces of the interior. It builds the Church with another dimension.

Congratulations to all Diocese hermits! And many prayers and offering of my suffering for those canonically approved and those not, for whatever reasons they are not.