Is This God's Will?

I am still wondering about the situation here, and wondering if I've made a huge error in remaining in this location, with the sense of suffocation and being buried alive.

I came to these parts 17 years ago from God's desire to bring my children here. It was a good place in which to rear them, and on my disability pension I could provide far more for them, get them through school, with their helping out with student loans that they have had to pay. But they are all through college and on their own now. And none of them live nearby.

I don't blame them. The past 17 years for me have been difficult in friendships and fitting in. Just recently, I've had to once more face the situation, and I am seeing that it is the mindset of the area, perhaps, of fish being in a small pond thinking they are in a large pond.

I am a small fish and not interested in whether or not it is large or small pond life, but I would like some semblance of acceptance, of fitting in, of not constantly being shut down, no utilizable.

Frankly, I can see that I have not been happy; the negativity has pervaded even though I smile when out and am cheerful, interact as best I can with others, few as the occasions are. I thought it was the small hometown, and I should have moved from it sooner than I did. My relationship with my son was perhaps damaged beyond what can be repaired very easily or soon, due to the persecutions and the upset caused for both him and for me.

Now, there is another turning point, and I realize that the problem is not solved, even if the outer appearances seem all right.

Would it be better for a hermit to be in an environment that is more accepting of the person's essence, than to remain where it is negative and suffocating, at least from the view behind the scenes in the Diocese? For it very much is that the kiss of death given, the shut-downs, are continuing and life here has ended for this one--any life within the Church other than going to Mass and coming from Mass, remaining there as a ghost looking upon the scene, in such isolation as to seem dead beyond dead.

Only God has the answer. One priest in confession quoted some saints, and then said that they blessed God where ever they were. One was exiled; the other imprisoned. But I am neither. I have the freedom to move, although it would mean much effort and heavy financial losses, which are not prudent. But, if I've made a mistake, then how long must I remain in it?

Here, the cost of living is low; there are a couple of people who might not want me to leave, but they'd get over it in our age of cell phones, internet, and snail mail. But I have been shut down from any utilization in this Diocese, and I think rather than specific circumstances, the root of it all is that of mindset. The 17 years I spent elsewhere, in a more accepting area, and gained much experience and education, is off-set by 17 years back here, and without ever fitting in, and in fact, extreme persecution all the way along.

God needs to tell me what He desires. If it is death and suffocation remaining here, and by that means of being only in and for Him, then I must know and I will remain and die.

If it is to be close to Him and yet breathe, I need to know where He desires me to move. For, I cannot "do" an extreme amount anywhere, with suffering considerations. But I do agree very much with my spiritual da that I would feel much, much better if I had something positive to do--and what I think is that even without anything to "do", to just be accepted and have some loving kindness, but mostly a little acceptance and positives, would go a long way in healing.

So tonight I pray again before I go to bed, and I ask God to tell me in whatever way He wills, and I will do His will. I bind the devil from my night, from dreams, from any way that might interfere with God's giving the message to my soul which desires very much to do as God desires in this matter, no matter what.