Morning Thoughts to an Adult Daughter

Awoke this morning after dreams, and don't recall but know that this afternoon is probably going to be a turning point. I'm not sure if in all my writing, I've mentioned how people like me have typically not fit well inside the structure, and that I could stake my life on what my angel said. So I know God is moving me to the hermit life, whatever all that will entail.

People like me have always been more outside the structure but very much Catholic. I have to admit that our "types" are not the ones in the parish council or singing in the choir, although the latter has been an idea, and choir practice is Wed. night. I have thought that singing would be very therapeutic for my back pain, and I always wanted to learn to sing better. I could be a "filler" voice as I am not that good but can carry a tune. However, I should consider all aspects.

Somehow I have the distinct sense that I will not find much favor other than if I am very much on the fringe. I must accept that I will not be given jobs to do. I think all this is happening for a reason, including the higher level of pain lately, even more than a few weeks ago. And I must not be discouraged by any of it, for God has to allow circumstances to get us where He wants us.

I consider people like Gemma Galgani, Francis of Assisi, Mother Teresa, Theresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Charles de Foucald, Joan of Arc, Caryll Houselander, Philip Neri, Anne Catherine Emmerich and many others. They did not fit into the main structure, the regular path of regular parishioners or even regular members of their religious communities if they were in them. They all had to step outside the main structure, and that is what "eccentric" means: outside the center.

It is so hard for me to accept this, and I go through this periodically. I was reared to be inside the center, to be regular and to fit in. But I am not regular; a square peg does not fit in a round hole.

If I keep in mind and heart that people like me have been invaluable parts of the whole (and holes!), then I won't be so hurt and wounded by what is transpiring. And I think that I sensed it during the summer in some of the despairing times. I do think it has lent itself to my pain, contributed to it, and once I pull up some nets, fold them, and do as God desires, I will feel much better again.

Often their own families turned against them or didn't think they were all right, and now would say they had therapeutic needs (and not in the positive sense in which I can view it). Some died early, perhaps in part due to the excessive emotional pain of being discounted or shut down. I am not one of those, obviously. And this occurs not just in churches but has been in other areas of life with the eccentric types. I admit that Rev. forget-his-name at the United Brethren church spurned me the last year we were there, wouldn't speak to me and made screwed up faces when he saw me. Finally he said to take my son and leave. I must look at the total picture and be thankful for all the books I've read to know that this is just part of the program.

The Diocese hermits out there are ones who have been either accepted regardless or are not outside the center as much as others. The Diocese hermits obviously are a better fit and that is most fortunate for them and very much a benefit for those Dioceses. But it isn't to say that other Dioceses don't benefit (without the Dioceses knowing) from those who are not publicly given canonical status. In time, maybe things will alter, but regardless I had better settle into the rule of life I have and fulfill the vows I made. I guess it is a lot up to God and what He wills for each person, in a puzzle that we do not see from above but are just small pieces here below.

The emotional pain is only from my wanting it to be different and to not have it as I had hoped and expected. It does not mean that I am a failure, and I must keep that in mind. I also must understand that there are those who might appreciate and even accept me but will not show it or say it due to their positions of being within the center and not risking otherwise, or not called by God to be otherwise. I have to get over wishing I could be like those people. I don't advocate anyone being outside the center on their own doing, for it is sort of a tough existence, like being on the peripheral, on the edge of the campfire ring where it is colder and darker!

The morning is so gorgeous here, in the overcast, thankfully. The trees are fantastic. I really like the Weeping Bald Cypress. I am hoping to take photos of each tree, of each area. I am starting to feel better again but will carefully step forward, and take time to rest the body.

There are poems that came, sort of like automatic writing, the summer I was converting, and they are invaluable in content for what lay ahead. One even "spoke" to me about being imprisoned in love, being in Christ in that way, more isolated out. The blog writing is actually a very good venue. What I write offers a different path within the same Church, from those who are more regularized and called in that way.