Just When You Thought It Was Safe....

Yes, the mad-shark complete hermit is chronicling the journey through the deep seas of hermit life, once again.

It is therapy for me to write, and I write as a journal-ist, and that means that it is the gut-level truth--from my perspective. I am not an advertising agent for wanna-be-hermits. What I write may not encourage another soul to the hermit life. And why should it?

Hermits are not about numbers, although it certainly appears to be rather a trendy thing to say one is a hermit. I do not speak of it except in a necessity, such as when I interviewed for a position in the Office of Spiritual Development. It came up in the context of whether or not I could physically do the job, and I had to consider if I could do it and still practice the Nine S', particularly silence and solitude. But, with 40 hours out of the week, the time in solitude would still be 76%--and that if I were around people all the time in the job, which is not the case. However, I do not think the full-time work to be God's will for me. I may be wrong.

Mostly I speak of being a hermit to myself, for I need the reminder and the kind of shock treatment to say the word: hermit. I did not chose this. And that is how some vocations come about: not by one's own will. When I mentioned to the VG after Mass one day that I am interviewing, he seemed a bit amused. I asked, "How many times did Jonah avoid going to Ninevah?" He laughed aloud at that.

For the most part this week, I have been ill with physical suffering and yet more despair. The intensity of the pain can wreak havoc with the body and the mind. When not able to eat without much pain, I then get into bed with an ice pack for the back and the abdomen. I also then think how ridiculous and irresponsible of me to have done a good job in the interview considering the body, and somewhat the mind, are not highly inclined to the work. For one thing, I was asked in the interview if I'd be willing to have my name more in the public light. I said I would if it was necessary for the "cause", but that most of the time it is not necessary to have one's name in the paper or to be noticed, for a goal of spiritual development is to help OTHERS develop spiritually.

What I think I could do, and if I get to the final interview with the Bishop I will say this, is to be a spiritual guide or encourager for others. Sort of a spiritual counselor. I do not presume to consider myself a spiritual director. That seems best left to priests. And, I could be a spiritual guide on an as-needed basis. I truthfully do not think a full-time job in an office, even if the hours are flexible as I've been told, is realistic for my circumstances.

Another net to cast is to make an appointment (when I feel well enough to pitch the spiel) with the Diocese newspaper editor and see if I could (anonymously or with my pen name) write a column on contemplative life or even hermit life. That I could do with the flexibililty necessary.

However, perhaps I limit God. We all do, really. Perhaps God will have it such that I can function ably enough or even superbly enough to "do it all." I know that there have been sickly types in the past who accomplish far more than able-bodied folks. It is a matter of faith and of doing God's will. If something is God's will, then nothing can hinder except our lack of faith and cooperation.

Bl. Charles de Foucald, in the book Meditations of a Hermit, writes of his great love and joy of being alone with God, and that he doesn' t like morning to come for he has to give up the alone time somewhat and attend to tasks. He lived in the Sahara as a hermit and loved the solitude. He was near a village of the Musselman tribe, but he still was very much alone.

I am not at that point yet, and perhaps God does not intend for me to be that isolated. This is why I am casting the nets. One must (or at least this one) feel one's way into the hermit life, to know what is God's desire at certain stages, unless one is told outright. Peace and doors opening, and joy, and the capability to do what it is that God desires, are sure signs of God's will. He puts fish in the net when He wills.

He also allows obstacles. There can be holes in the net that need mending. Or timing--such as to go out again and cast the net again on the right side of the boat. Peace and joy and doors opening and the capability to follow through and fish in the net might not happen right away.

It has occurred to me more than once in the past weeks that despairs may also be part of the hermit life for some, and that these may be God's will in their own right, for despairs, if one makes it through them, can be as a torn net mended.