The Carrot Dangles, Dangled, Departs for a Time

Here we have it: my absolute, all-time DREAM JOB.

Last night I read the advertisement in the diocese paper. It is a job in the Office of Spiritual Development. All my earthly talents and training would be utilized in a job such as this.

Six hours previous to seeing this job posting I was once more in confession unveiling my desires for a fun job yet acknowledging that Jesus has given me the job He desires for me. I thus committed myself to be cheerful, at the scrunching of the confessor who asked me if I am accepting cheerfully.

Friday morning I had asked Jesus if I could have just some small job in the diocese to help distract and to be part of the action. By mid-afternoon I had my little job, and it was that of suffering, and for the most part suffering alone. But suffering for a cause. By evening I was complaining once more that the job is not a fun job.

As I lay in bed, my eyes rested upon the Crucifix on the wall, then to the framed picture of Jesus' Head crowned with thorns, then to the large statue of our Sorrowful Mother. So I said aloud how sorry am I, as they do not have fun jobs whatsoever, never have and do not now. Not fun in the suffering, but joyful in the outcomes for souls, for eternity.

That's why I was back in the confessional the next day, realizing another hangnail to my being a complete hermit needed to be clipped. The problem with hangnails is that the skin grows back, but this is how it goes all through one's earthly existence. Clip, clip, clip and clip again.

So I avow myself to the little job God gives me, and am uplifted and full of courage. I am deeply accepting of having an unfun job but a job for, with and in Christ, hopefully and surely.
I repeat the acknowledgement that God cannot do much with me if I keep squirming, running off, or trying to topple Him to my desires like a toddler trying to topple his daddy.

I even tell my usual confessor after Mass, later, that I have recommitted myself all the more, that I am grateful and fortunate to be allowed to be a Catholic, that I am accepting of my unfun job and very grateful to have it, and that I am going to control my mind better from doubting.

Then, later on, I read the paper and see that ad. Oh my!

This morning I awaken after a night of help from beyond, but in much physical pain. Much. I mull over the job opportunity, the fun job, and my head-pained daydreams begin. But I recall the temptations of Jesus, and I read Luke 4. Yes, Jesus was tempted and offered the whole kingdom, all that fun which would utilize all his earthly talents and training. Just think, I could have a place in the Catholic Church, a place in the Diocese, and even a paycheck!

Jesus said, though, "You shall worship the Lord your God, and him alone shall you serve."

Later, after even a greater temptation which Jesus didn't fall for, literally and spiritually, it is written: "When the devil had finished every temptation, he departed from him for a time" (Luke 4:13).

So, in my head comes the thought, and not from me as my thoughts are not wise and prudent, that this job thing is about the biggest, dangling carrot yet. But of Whom do I believe and listen? Has my angel ever told me that God has chosen me for the Office of Spiritual Development? No. He has told me God has chosen me for the "hermit life." That I am obviously not ready should not matter. Even the confessor asked me if God changes His Mind when I had that wild card pop up, thinking maybe God had decided He didn't want me for the hermit life.

Frankly, the hermit life was not on my ten-most-desired-things-I-want-to-be list. But I so want to do the will of God, and deep in my heart I know this is His will. And, I have to admit that I do take to this life often, when I am not exerting my own self-will as much. I know that my life circumstances have been directed into a hermit vocation, and most of the time I have found tremendous peace and absorb what I am to learn and how to be for God, in His wounds. Maybe it is a good thing that I know I would not dream up, to choose on my own, to be a hermit.

Amidst all the dangling carrots, I can readily see the irony of my confession and deeper commitment, and then the job posting. And then this morning the suffering and a comment on this little blog site, a rare comment but a rare jewel helping me to swipe away the temptation to what would have been my dream job in the Diocese and a little, fun place in the earthly kingdom. But it simply is not God's will for me, and I know this. And the peace in knowing this is more fun, and even the suffering is more fun, in its own dimension, here in the silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, simplicity, stability, selflessness (weak but perking), stillness and serenity.

That there will be more temptations, or something, as the devil departs for a time, is not my concern at the moment. My diocese hermit messenger this morning has given me much to consider in letting things unfold and progress, to go with the flow, in God's way and present moment plan.

God is letting me know my job and my place.
One must be rid of dangling carrots by tossing out the carrots, not by slowly peeling and nibbling on them.