Hanging Between Worlds

Pere Louis Bouyer wrote of monastics, and perhaps it also was a theme in Dom Leclerq's writing, one or the other or both, that a monk/hermit exists as and in an opening to heaven.

I very much sense that I hang between worlds. Particularly when I am by charitable necessity back into the world, such as yesterday at a birthday party for my granddaughter. Since my daughter and son-in-law are not Catholic and practice no religion, I feel the separation in this aspect all the more. But there is much love, from my heart, and with the physical limitations which do not show on the outside but are a constant struggle within, I mostly observe when in such social situaitons. Or, when the opportunity arises, I have a few minutes of one-to-one conversation.

But I return home to Agnus Dei rather exhausted but thankful to have been able to make the trip.

While there, I hear about my adult children all flying to California to be with their father and his wife at Christmas. Their father left me after a car accident 23 years ago this Wednesday (Queenship of Mary) which altered my earthly existence. My struggles began, and now I must accept and comprehend that I could not provide the entertainment he and his wife provide, nor the setting or accommodations. At first I thought about what plans I could have at Christmas, and if my body were more rested, perhaps I could go some place interesting, and once there re-group the energy and then pray and go to Mass and write. So, I will remain right here and do those things unless God opens the window to heaven in some other place, for a short trip. But I doubt He will or needs to.

Seeing the people yesterday, who are very much in the world of work and pleasures and entertaining and friendships and fun and good distraction, and realizing again that I am simply not in that world nor can be, is a good experience. There is much love and comraderie, and at times I wish I could be like, but I have not been in that world for a long time. Yet I have not made a clear step or remained steadfast in the space between worlds, in that space that shows others the window to heaven.

God is allowing me to experience the confusion, and to know how I have over-done and over-stepped to the point of not managing pain (once more), and that I require the nine s' for survival, and the space between the worlds is very much where I need to hang.

For now it is lonely, and it hurts when I see that I cannot return to the other world where many of my loved ones and friends exist in seeming content. But I have been mystically told over and over that I am not to be there, and shown that I am to hang between the two worlds.

There are others here. I just need to stay put long enough to get to sense their presence and support. The pain comes when I run through the glass, not smoothly transitioning back and forth. A wedding is coming up, and I have not decided about going, although in charity I should. A young man who has fallen away from the Faith is marrying a young woman whose family is anti-Catholic. I'm not sure I am to witness such a marriage. Perhaps my presence will remind people of the window to heaven. I hope I did that yesterday perhaps with wearing the crucifix and offering the effort of the drive for love of Jesus, the conversion of sinners, and for the sins committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the poor souls in purgatory.

Now, to get back on track, to hang freely and comfortably between worlds.

Note: I realize my blogs are not of benefit to others, are far too long, and meander through the personal aspects of this journey. Perhaps I should be more didactic about the hermit life, but I know there are other sites which provide instruction. I try to think with the heart and write accordingly.