Departs for a Time

This means that it will return, or could return, is most likely to return: the devil with more temptations.

I had one within the hour of writing about the temptation to the fun job. It was the temptation to return to a club that promotes religious vocations, to volunteer to chair the vocations committee. Of course, I thought about how one must not test the Lord our God, as Jesus said following His vanquishment of the devil in the third desert temptation.

Ill most of the day with suffering, I made it to Mass this evening as I was slated as Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. Made it through with the help of an ice pack used when in the pew.

The second reading from Hebrews struck me, as Hebrews always does. That bit about faith, of faith being unseen. Then the listing of the examples in the OT of faithful servants of the Lord. Yes, I am called to greater faith in this time of unexpected trial to the religious solitary life.

Okay. I'll use the word: the hermit life.

In my mind, in prayer, I went over yet again some past messages, going back many years. I went over the facts of my life and circumstances and the seemingly inexplicable ways in which I have been curtailed from "active duty." I recalled a loving but firm visit in essence from Padre Pio and his command: Silence and Penance! No, he did not say: Active apostolate! He did not say: Fun job! Or: Be a group leader!

In any other message reviewed, Jesus calls me to a certain vocation, and that vocation in all of Church history involves much solitude and hiddenness. While my part may be quite small, the size of the job does not change the requirements and circumstances in which to do that job.

I prayed kneeling close to the altar, near the Tabernacle, after we did what we were to do with the vessels after Mass. Just had a little chat with Jesus and asked some help in persevering. I also talked over with him the fact that I realize that I seem to be faltering a bit right now, and how odd that is, for I have lived in and experienced far more solitude previously but without the seeming panic, or temptations, or whatever this is going on. What comes to my mind is that the fact of the call and vocation is settling in, regardless of canonical approval forthcoming. The reality that this is what God wills for me, and that somehow His will shall be done, is making it all the more serious business. I think this is a good thing, for surely Jesus needs me to realize the total view, just like the builder needing to count the costs and the general needing to aprise the approaching army, as Jesus told in some analogies in the Gospel readings of the past couple of weeks.

Now, what is my response? Obviously, it is to do His will, cheerfully. But I admit I have asked Jesus to help me to desire this and not be afraid, and to be more, much more cheerful. I also pray to toss out the temptations heading back into the world, even the world of the Church, before the temptations become sticklers in my mind. To just go in faith. Yes, I am basing my life now, the living out of it, on messages, dreams, visions and circumstances. But it is reviewed by my spiritual da, and my confessor some, and even before Catholic, life unfolded in accordance except when I would not heed. Then things would shift and be more difficult, yet God would still work things out, albeit with more consequence to me.

Frankly, here's another thing: I no doubt have irritated Padre Pio no end by my not heeding what he said. That's why all this is dragging out. I am the drag on the program. Must stop that.