The intensity of the growth has subsided. Yesterday I shopped for roses; one store had them 50% off, and I found another place with many roses with holy names. I went there seeking Korean lilacs, and found them plus these roses. The manager was intrigued with the crucifix worn and also that I only desire roses with holy names or names indicative of God, such as "Love and Peace."
He suggested two or three times "Billy Graham," but he is a man who reminds me of schism and the separated brethren, not of Christ and His Church, one holy, Catholic and apostolic. However, Mr. Graham is a good man such as the rose "Mister Lincoln" or "Ronald Reagan." However, "Billy Graham didn't make the trip back to Agnus Dei.
Some peace floats within the soul like rose petals. It was invigorating speaking with the clerks yesterday and revving ideas with the man who is going to spearhead the landscaping at Agnus Dei. Ah, this is a creative man filled with the love of God's created earth and all His nature.
The Bishop celebrated Mass on the Vigil of Corpus Christi; the Vicar General concelebrated. How good to see the Bishop after many weeks and to see the Vicar General/Rector, also, after the priests' absence of a week on much-deserved retreat.
The Bishop mentioned hermits in his homily, which surprised me, and also he mentioned how they would adore Jesus in the Tabernacle through their window into the Church from which they'd receive the Host (anchorites, this would be).
After Mass I spoke briefly with the Vicar General, and it seems the retreat went well with focus on prayer. I know exactly where they were, for I spent many summers on that lake at our family cottage then--and was by Oakwood often, often, and my heart is there often yet. I commented that God has been having a kind of retreat for me, too, although I had intended solely to pray for their retreat all week. God is trying to shape me up! When I said there are some more definite direction to the vocation, he simply said to just keep plugging along.
The Bishop then spoke with me after others had left. He told me he is still "absorbing" my letter. That means he is considering it, praying over it, and has not made a decision. He asked me some questions, such as if I have friends, if I am at peace. When I offered two or three aspects of my life which have come forth in the past couple of weeks (but the mission "just adore Him came first 11 years ago), the Bishop asked me if these came in prayer. I tried to explain regarding friends, that I do, but that God chooses all, including my friends. I tried to tell him I am supposed to be a living, holy, pleasing holocaust for this Diocese. He said that was beautiful. But prior to my mention of this, he had said that it is a good thing for me to pray and offer myself for the Diocese.
So, I don't know what he can comprehend of my life. There seems not enough time to truly explain to him what is going on and has gone on. The letter I sent many weeks ago requesting the consecrated eremitic status, is a jumble of words and thoughts; I could write the simple aspects of what is more clearly defined now, but I can't seem to bring myself to try to write again. I suppose much was spoken, such as that "Hebrews" is a foundational guide or rule of life, and the Gospel of John, and the nine s'--and here I explained three or four s', quickly.
So, I have decided that Jesus will have to do the talking for me. I cannot begin to explain. Perhaps I can explain a little in confession with the VG, but that is truly not the place. Besides, there is a growing sense of trepidation: fear combined with deep excitement of God. God will choose what He wants; this is how I left off with the Bishop.
Oh yes, the Bishop said there must be joy. I cannot guarantee joy. Joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, and while in this body of such pain which vascillates, the human factor fights against outward joy, and the spiritual despairs often erupt unexpectedly, andf ight against the mind and emotions. My hope is, however, that God will fill me with the kind of joy that the saints mention, and that kind of peace, too. But I'm not sure it will always show, for agony is agony. Only when in heaven will I have that kind of joy.
I am also lately reminded of the name Jesus told me I'd be called in heaven. That episode is for some other sharing, some other time, if ever. I know, and that is what matters; and I am reminded of the name, and that means much, what it all means.
