My heart is ready.
To the best of my knowledge, to the best of my soul, my heart is ready for the death into consecrated eremitic life.
In the meantime, I suffer. The pain continues in the heart, and with breathing.
Today the wind is fierce here at Agnus Dei, and the reeds bend nearly parallel to the sweeping waters of Lake Immaculata. The heat is intense, and some like the wind which is more than a whisper. There is no standing by the door of this cave; God is inside with the (incomplete) hermit who listens now with wounded heart.
Yesterday an unexpected visitor called and asked to stop by. It was the woman friend who had drawn back over the past few months. I immediately knew the Lord was testing me. I recalled the words of my confessor this last time in the "tomb room" confessional: It is not about YOU.
I did my best at listening to the woman's concerns which revolve around tolerance of others, stress of husband's work, and being busy with family responsibilities. As for tolerance of others, we should tolerate all but sin. When a person broaches into sin, that we must not tolerate. If possible, we may correct the person (if prudence annoints the moment for doing so and the other is open to correction). If not possible to correct, we must withdraw from that person and their behavior and resort to prayer and fasting.
Intolerance, though can be heightened in suffering and weariness. When one is exhausted or in pain, it is far more difficult to be tolerant of others who may be "testy" individuals. In such a case, perhaps it is best for the one in pain to the course of self-removal until one's energy and tolerance is on the rise or risen, indeed.
As for the friendship that I'd grieved, I felt nothing but consideration and a rather clinical aspect of counsel with promises of prayer. If I had ever wondered why I'd accumulated at one time, over half a doctorate in coursework in clinical psychology and a chunk of intern hours with clients, I knew yesterday. It came clear in the reminder that in holy indifference and spiritual detachment and in the hermit life, a hermit is called at times to be available for spiritual counsel--or at least spiritual support and prayer. That was my mode yesterday, and I fully comprehended why God had needed to strip me of personal friendships. There is work to do, and He expects me to do it. A consecrated religious eremitic is not to have particular friendships; and, it is not about "me."
There have been glimmers of thought in writing some of what my soul has learned in this recent spate of intense sufferings of body and soul--to try to explain to the Vicar General or Bishop. But for now, I act not on those thoughts.
But, the fruit from the lips of sacrifices of praise, from the Holy Spirit's loving indwelling in my painfully torn, swollen, and stretched out heart, has been a solid acceptance of dying with the hope of death coming soon through the Bishop (or his designe, the Vicar General). I know my mission is to just adore Him. I know that love of suffering and suffering to love is how I can and may adore Him. I know that the Letter to the Hebrews is a guide, a rule of life, that supports and teaches the nine s' (silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessness, simplicity, stability, stillness, serenity). I know that in order to adore and to live the life of the living dead as God calls me to this death, I must offer continual sacrifices of praise.
There are chores to be done here, but I do not know if and when the energy will return. For now, I languish in this love to suffer and suffer to love. My heart does not allow for much other than pondering, praying, reading a bit, writing, and strained breathing pressed by the painful heart that is about as ready as I can fathom, but God chooses all.
Oh yes, that is another thing I know, a most important knowing: God chooses all. He chooses all for those who are in His will. One can be in His will by a simple act of the will to be in His will. It is of faith and love, this act of the will. God will choose all. He chooses that I have little energy and much suffering so that I may adore Him more.
