This morning, early, around 6 a.m., Andrew and Mrs. Andrew flew in and even bobble-walked on the lot and then into the pond. It is the first sighting of both these herons together. They did not stay long. Their dual flight with wings spread and necks craned out, slow gliding off, started the day with hope and joy.
I had been dragging already, having awakened after some distressing dreams, and then thinking of my childhood which was quite lovely and, of course, physically pain-free. So there was some self-reproach and a pep-talk in order, for today is a fresh day, and the wind is more a strong breeze. The birds are chirping and leaves rustling in such peacefulness.
The hermit adaptation to silence and solitude comes out in me with such self. I feel sorry for myself if memories of childhood or the past arrive in the conscious. They must be driven out, blown out by strong wind of the present moment.
I lie in bed and look over at the Our Lady of Sorrows statue, and am reminded to pray for the sorrows of the world but also for whatever Mary desires. I ask her help to not be so full of self, for my life is truly beautiful and desirous. In fact, with coffee and some peach biscuit breakfast cake, I read an e-mail from a woman who reminds me of the great needs of the poor souls in purgatory, for prayers, and of Bl. Anne Catherine Emmerich's prayer and penance on their behalves.
So, I am reminded once more of the work of a hermit and of one who is called out of the world and lives more in the other world. Lapsing back into the world is foolishness, and it only sucks one back into "self."
"Self" is full of physical pain and emotional baggage, dragging the soul back into self-pity and self-thought and self-memories and self-despondency. Be off!
Last night I chose a saint book from the shelf: St. Philip Neri. He loved God so much his heart expanded in the chest cavity, pushing out the ribs for more room. He was quite serious in his love of God, and he carried about with him at all times not only a book of Jacopone de Toda's poetry but also a book of humor. It was the humor which could bring him back to earth when in ecstasy. This reminder of humor is not coincidental; a hermit must laugh or smile, at least inwardly at times.
Many people would wonder why the fuss and adaptation period? Many would love to have the solitude and silence. Part of this adaptation is due to more difficult distraction of the physical pain. But I am trying now to use the greater awareness of the physical pain as a means to think of God and of being conformed in Christ.
Also, the fuss and adaptation is a reminder of just how much "self" remains in "me." Yes, it is disgusting to have so much "self", but there it is, and that is why my own particular adaptation to the hermit life of the nine s' is quite challenging!
My seminarian friend e-mailed and asked if, in this dying I describe, there is hope of a rebirth? Yes, there is. It is not necessarily a hope of rebirth in this life, though. I do not know but can only have faith in what other hermits have experienced in great suffering and in dying to self, they finally have great joy in being out of self and in Christ, while still existing in their bodies. But I do know for sure that once out of the body of such physical pain, that there will be relief of body. A concern for all souls is that there will still be pain of a spiritual nature if our souls are not purged of self and existing in Christ.
To be honest (and I try to be always), perhaps some of my struggle deals with letting go of the world, of not thinking that if it weren't for the physical pain, I'd not be dying to the world and adapting to such solitude! But, of course, I have agreed to God's will, and this is God's will. In that, I am ashamed that I have been droopy in fulfilling God's will from so much self and lack of cheerful cooperation.
Today is a fresh day, and the breeze is fresh, and the birds are fresh and lively in hope. It is the day to begin anew, a rebirth, of cheerful discipline and striving to love God through being a maidservant of the Handmaid, and doing what is required: love, suffering, prayer, study, manual labor, and all in the nine s' and all as a sacrifice of praise from lips that confess the Holy Name (and very Life) of Jesus!
