I am not doing such a great job in this vocation thus far. I am having withdrawals of a type unexpected. It is in little things. Hard to settle down. Hard to stay out of a couple of stores, or to not feel as if I am stocking up for the rest of my life on earth. I am like a squirrel preparing for an eternal hibernation, finding good deals on basic foods, shoes, pants, dishes, candles, soap--even hand lotion.
It is like a new beginning. Like starting out all over but for the final run.
The Cathedral is having a volunteer appreciation dinner at a lovely facility, with great food and views and good people, of course. My spiritual director and I decided it would not be an event that a hermit would attend: too social and without spiritual focus as the main component. My problem is that I do not want to appreciate myself and be rewarded for the honor of helping at Mass. I want to have a God Appreciation Dinner if anything. So I will stay home that evening, and dried peas cooked with rosemary will be the fare.
Yet, I am having a little withdrawal from cancelling the reservation. Part of it is that I know I cannot go. Another part is that a good dinner with a glass of wine and nice people and discussion--even observing the event--would be rather fun as a distraction. Yet another part tells me that this is a lopping off from the world, but the Catholic world of social involvement. Previously I had been excluded from events in other parishes; now that I am included, I must not attend. This makes for a very good sacrifice: to offer God what is rather nice.
It is very good for active people to socialize, to gather in a Christian effort to get to know one another, laugh and love. It is not what a hermit needs. A hermit is to gather with God alone in effort to get to know Him. I will make sure I laugh and love with God alone that night.
Now, about the dishes I just purchased. My, they are colorful and vibrant! They go with the colors in the hermitage. They look like Provence has come to the States, just in time to celebrate a person staying put. Yes, they were on sale, and with an added coupon were a deal. But are they too colorful for a hermit? Are they necessary? No. I can eat on what I have.
Somehow, though, I keep thinking that people will come to the hermitage as guests, even for a bowl of soup and some spiritual conversation. I guess they'd have to be invited, though. No one knows where I live except one family who has come once and a woman who has come once. It was Lent, and we used the purple dishes. Would someone love to eat from these colorful dishes? Of course! Will they be cheery on the gloomiest of days? Of course!
My spiritual director tells me to develop the hermit life through discernment, that it will be rather an individualized effort. St. Alphonsus Rodriguez says one can know the will of God through how one feels: peace and calm or unrest.
I am feeling a little unrest about the dishes; but another part feels that they are just the thing at a good price, for a new beginning. The colors are so inviting and match the other furnishings. Yes, I can see people enjoying these very much. But I'll pray about it. I'll ask the Mistress, Mother Mary, if she likes them and wants them in her house, for this is the little house of Mary, and she calls it Agnus Dei.
But the loveliness of the place, and these colorful dishes, dispell stereotypes of austere huts with a wooden bowl and stick utensils for dining.
