Drove to a friend's home to help enjoy their 13-year-old son's birthday. It seemed strange to be out in a somewhat social setting, although these friends are very spiritual and holy Catholics.
Of course, I did not hold my tongue as well as I could have, as I came unglued regarding someone who has been on my mind for his loose-lips in speaking of things he should not. While he is a good example for me of not having self-mastery, it is my own lack of self-mastery that is shown by my reaction.
I am learning that I cannot and should not discuss the hermit life, or much of my rather insignificant life, anyway, with anyone. When I mention some of the discernments or the process of canonical approval, one friend becomes rather argumentative. It could be a kind of envy or a genuine lack of comprehension of the hermit life as outlined and approved by the Church's Canon Law, and also the traditions of this form of consecrated life. Mostly, it seems I am compared in not measuring up, or that I should not be allowed. And this is very good for humility; but it tells me that even in this aspect of my life, I must remain hidden and silent.
The Vicar General did tell me last Saturday evening that he has read through a guidebook of another Diocese, and that he copied pertinent pages, and he will call me in the next few days to discuss this. So we wait in detachment, and truly it is that, thankfully so.
When another friend suggests that this might change, that the hermit life might return to some kind of middle ground, or whatever direction God takes and that in time I might have peace or not--I realize that I cannot speak of how I know this is God's choosing of me for this hermit life.
In fact, I cannot speak of any of the paranormal experiences and the souls who I must pray for and sometimes even make a fool of myself in order to help them see something God has shown me of their lives. But, the most recent freak-out experience is not to be written at this time and in this venue.
I called one daughter twice, several days ago, and she has not called back. I called another daughter after she has not called and did not reply to an e-mail. My son does not call, of course. Today I thought of this, and how God is surely choosing the distancing of several people so that I can draw closer, listen better, and pray intently for souls.
I also thought about the Gospel in St. John which made me upset that my spiritual director is aging and will be going to the Father.... Then, I realized today, even yesterday, that I am going to the Father, also, very much so, in this hermit life.
Am becoming more accustomed to staying in, doing tasks about the hermitage, and yet not getting much reading done this week. Am still finding it difficult to not distract myself, and now from checking to see if anyone has e-mailed! Then I look for hardbound books on-line, and always find some to fill in the library. This time it is St. Francis de Sales and Fr. Jean Nicholas Grou.
Only one person has e-mailed today, and I answered immediately. I assume that with some will strengthening, I can cease hoping and thinking that perhaps someone will communicate! It is all part of the process of going to the Father, of leaving the world, and of leaving it in small ways that niggle at me and must be conquered.
