Today I wandered about in mind and body. Mass twice, thankfully. Went to used bookstore and parted with several paperbacks by St. Alphonsus Liguori--difficult but wasn't getting them read, so someone else can have the opportunity. Kept back a hardbound and two paperbacks in case I get to them. If not, the paperbacks will be traded in.
Yes, it is time to focus on the three mystic doctors: John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila and Francis de Sales. Also must zero in on books on prayer, the interior life, asceticism, hermit and monastic life, mystics and saints and victim souls, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and Scripture study.
A sense of not being able to breathe welled up and persisted. My daughter suggested I am beginning to have anxiety attacks. Hmm. When she said this, it made sense. I feel as if the air is being sucked out of me to the point that it seems I am going to suffocate or not breathe.
Now why would I feel like this?
Because the seriousness of being considered for the life as a consecrated eremitic, by my Bishop and the Vicar General, reminds me of my conversion to Catholicism twelve years ago. It means a major life commitment for the rest of my days on earth and probably into eternity; I will be even more hidden and unable to express the soul to others, as I was not able to (without persecution and rejection) when converting years ago, but this time even many Catholics will not comprehend; I will be subject to the judgment of others if they would know, and more subject to my own self-knowledge of how poorly I live the life. Mostly, I realize that in the past, for any commitment and action, the success or failure included others, circumstances and self. I failed often and in most major life endeavors. However, in the eremitical life, the players--if you will--are the Trinity and self.
God is perfect and All; He is ever successful. If I do not succeed in this life, to all God desires and wills, and to what the Bishop and his designe would expect, to what the Church Herself expects of a consecrated religious eremitic--then the fault lies only with myself.
One of the books I got with the trade-ins and adding some cash to them, is a life of Hildegard de Bingen. I prayed before the Blessed Sacrament today that she would help me remain calm and focused, and also that St. Padre Pio whose birthday is today, would help me with the discipline necessary to follow through on what I must be for God and the Church, daily and nightly. This must be the course regardless any decisions, and those decisions may not come for some time.
I must breathe and not be anxious, O my soul, O my Lord.
