This is not how the hermit ever dreamed hermit life would be.
Today the hermit had irrational fears of being arrested for having, four months ago, holy-watered the neighbors' and the hermit's mailboxes (on a kiosk) in an attempt to pray for peace and love. This was following the neighbor's first demonic outburst in the presence of the hermit and the surveyor. It seemed to help, but, of course, we know that more outbursts have followed, to the point of needing the sheriff's intervention.
Yes, the hermit had to get help if nothing other than to keep the neighbors from doing something that would get them into serious and lasting trouble.
After Mass, the irrational fears departed, and the hermit realized that nightmares had fueled the fears, and that the devil is behind nightmares and irrational fears. So the hermit drove to the sheriff's department as they had requested (since the hermit didn't want another marked car coming in view of the neighbors, for fear of retaliation). The hermit gave the additional harrassment report, and the sheriff's deputy read the previous report, and then said the hermit must go to the court and get a protective order. Yes, this is what the hermit was to do for the hermit's protection.
The hermit went to the court, but in asking questions, was told that the sheriff would serve the protective order on the adult neighbors. Ah, the hermit fears these people, and so took the paper work and said prayer and thought would take place before returning with them. The court lady understood, for she said often the protective orders escalate the anger in the offenders against the victim. Yes, the sheriff's deputy and the court lady referred to the hermit as "the victim."
Back at Agnus Dei, the hermit began to caulk and paint the front door. The neighbors came out and stayed in front of their home, yet the woman loudly spoke to the grandson, describing the hermit in derogatory terms. The hermit continued to paint, tears streaming in silence.
The sorrow and suffering and silence was offered to Jesus, for the Church, for the Diocese, for many intentions including the confessor/vicar general whose cross is increasing with much work, for priest problems, and for the conversion of the souls next door.
The hermit also pondered the suffering Jesus endured and endures, for surely adults spoke of Him, even to little children, in derogatory terms.
This is the life of a hermit: to unite with Christ in humiliations, injustices, sufferings, and yet to pray with confidence and joy in that some day, some way, souls will be saved by sorrows.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Demonic Warfare
The life of a hermit is not all peaches and cream. I think I've commented on this to anyone who happens to read these blogs. The hermitage is not always a "safe place" in terms of the world. But it is always ripe for whatever God desires, and that includes the allowance of demonic warfare.
At stake here at Agnus Dei Hermitage is the souls of the neighbors. When the hermit had a dream of the neighbor man, prior to even having this lot, of his standing with a strange smile but behind him was stretched out in a coffin, dead--the hermit sensed this was not a positive! Ominous dreams are that: warnings. However, in sudden and unexpected circumstances, the hermit had to change lots at the last minute, and this was the lot best in some aspects, right next to these people.
Yesterday the hermit finally ventured out into the Mary Gardens in back, and dead-headed flowers. The neighbor woman came out and repeatedly photographed the hermit. Most hermits, if not all, should not be photographed. It goes against hiddenness and nothingness, but the hermit acted as if knowing nothing, perceiving nothing, and thought: stability, stability, stability. The hermit slowly, slowly kept dead-heading. Then the woman spoke loudly on a cell phone that they were getting a German Shepherd guard dog that will bark until 11 p.m. and will be kept in a fenced area on the hermit's side of the house. Well, so we will have a big barking dog. The hermit loves all creatures. Then the neighbors placed their trash can near the line, by Agnus Dei's front window view, and kept the lid off. So, we will have wild critters enjoy the garbage.
It is harrassment. The young woman who lived on the other side of these people has obviously left. The house has been vacated for three or four weeks. Odd how with the focus on the immediate problem, the hermit had not consciously noted that she was not about the place. The builder and developer are checking into what happened to her. Where is this young teacher and her little dog she used to walk, and her father who came daily to visit?
Today I am to go to the Sheriff's dept. to file an harrassment report. It is the hermit's interface with the world, with the legalities of the world. Ether re-enters the planet to burn and shine. But the main work has been prayer for these people's souls. A Mass is going to be offered for "the neighbors." The hermit comprehends spiritual warfare when it comes. It is not pleasant. In fact, it can be frightening. Yes, the hermit admits some vulnerability, especially now that the other neighbor is gone, and there are no other houses close by. Yet, the hermit is in the hands of God, and as an undercover agent for the Lord, must continue in this mission for these souls, especially for the innocent four-year-old grandson living there.
The hermit's daughters want the hermit to move. That is not so easy, although it can be done if necessary. The hermit had always wanted to donate the property to unwed mothers or to a refugee family, but that would not be a holy donation--to have other people live next door to hell. No, the hermit will remain in except for some outdoor chores necessary, but which will require the woman to have to photograph from her garage service door rather than out their back patio doors.
The builder is checking into what is happening, as this is going to have ramifications for the subdivision, for other people considering buying lots and building. So, we shall see. Last night the hermit had nightmares about these people and what they would do next. Upon awakening, prayers were offered. More prayers, and love sent in thought next door. We hold steady here at Agnus Dei, and my angel Beth is wise. We may hire a security person for when the college boys return on Friday to help finish out the work next to the property line on that side. That might be security money well-spent for peace of mind, since it took the sheriff an hour to arrive when called.
In the next blog, the hermit is going to write what St. Mary Magdalene d'Pazzi recommends, from locutions from other saints, as to catching souls and the love of neighbor! How good is God to have these pages in the hermit's line of reading, at this very time! No coincidence. They are messages for the undercover agent of the Lord, in ways to supernaturally defeat the evil by God's grace and the power of love.
At stake here at Agnus Dei Hermitage is the souls of the neighbors. When the hermit had a dream of the neighbor man, prior to even having this lot, of his standing with a strange smile but behind him was stretched out in a coffin, dead--the hermit sensed this was not a positive! Ominous dreams are that: warnings. However, in sudden and unexpected circumstances, the hermit had to change lots at the last minute, and this was the lot best in some aspects, right next to these people.
Yesterday the hermit finally ventured out into the Mary Gardens in back, and dead-headed flowers. The neighbor woman came out and repeatedly photographed the hermit. Most hermits, if not all, should not be photographed. It goes against hiddenness and nothingness, but the hermit acted as if knowing nothing, perceiving nothing, and thought: stability, stability, stability. The hermit slowly, slowly kept dead-heading. Then the woman spoke loudly on a cell phone that they were getting a German Shepherd guard dog that will bark until 11 p.m. and will be kept in a fenced area on the hermit's side of the house. Well, so we will have a big barking dog. The hermit loves all creatures. Then the neighbors placed their trash can near the line, by Agnus Dei's front window view, and kept the lid off. So, we will have wild critters enjoy the garbage.
It is harrassment. The young woman who lived on the other side of these people has obviously left. The house has been vacated for three or four weeks. Odd how with the focus on the immediate problem, the hermit had not consciously noted that she was not about the place. The builder and developer are checking into what happened to her. Where is this young teacher and her little dog she used to walk, and her father who came daily to visit?
Today I am to go to the Sheriff's dept. to file an harrassment report. It is the hermit's interface with the world, with the legalities of the world. Ether re-enters the planet to burn and shine. But the main work has been prayer for these people's souls. A Mass is going to be offered for "the neighbors." The hermit comprehends spiritual warfare when it comes. It is not pleasant. In fact, it can be frightening. Yes, the hermit admits some vulnerability, especially now that the other neighbor is gone, and there are no other houses close by. Yet, the hermit is in the hands of God, and as an undercover agent for the Lord, must continue in this mission for these souls, especially for the innocent four-year-old grandson living there.
The hermit's daughters want the hermit to move. That is not so easy, although it can be done if necessary. The hermit had always wanted to donate the property to unwed mothers or to a refugee family, but that would not be a holy donation--to have other people live next door to hell. No, the hermit will remain in except for some outdoor chores necessary, but which will require the woman to have to photograph from her garage service door rather than out their back patio doors.
The builder is checking into what is happening, as this is going to have ramifications for the subdivision, for other people considering buying lots and building. So, we shall see. Last night the hermit had nightmares about these people and what they would do next. Upon awakening, prayers were offered. More prayers, and love sent in thought next door. We hold steady here at Agnus Dei, and my angel Beth is wise. We may hire a security person for when the college boys return on Friday to help finish out the work next to the property line on that side. That might be security money well-spent for peace of mind, since it took the sheriff an hour to arrive when called.
In the next blog, the hermit is going to write what St. Mary Magdalene d'Pazzi recommends, from locutions from other saints, as to catching souls and the love of neighbor! How good is God to have these pages in the hermit's line of reading, at this very time! No coincidence. They are messages for the undercover agent of the Lord, in ways to supernaturally defeat the evil by God's grace and the power of love.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Hell Erupts at Agnus Dei
A Diocese hermit e-mailed following this hermit's renewal of vow of consecration of suffering, that the fireworks would begin. They have.
A few days ago this hermit made many offerings for the hermit's late mother to come into more light and to advance out of purgatory. (Can't go into the details as to how the hermit knows the mother is yet in purgatory, for it is an involved story.) Mass celebrated, alms given, prayers of friends, and works done for this intention, as well as some unexpected blessings from a priest who had been in strife but was making improvement--all these goods culminated in a demonic outburst from the hermit's neighbor.
The words poured out in evil force and torrent. The hermit was accused of being the devil, a witch, crazy, and all with invectives attached and cruel and nasty embellishments. Threats were made that the hermit's pension was going to be taken away, that photographs had been taken of the hermit bending over in the gardens, that the subdivision contractor and the neighbor were going to kick the hermit's (awful words added) skinny something out of the subdivision.
As this tirade was coming forth at the hermit, with the neighbor's four-year-old grandson listening and being told that the hermit is an evil witch and the devil, and that "666" should be painted on the evil witch's house, the hermit, stunned, could only think of what St. Alphonsus Rodriguez advises in such encounters: Make the sign of the cross in the air three times and command the devil to bow down and adore Jesus crucified or to depart. He wrote that the devil would flee.
So the hermit stood silently and made the sign of the cross three times in the air, slowly and with serene purpose, and did not speak but in the mind prayed for the devil to depart, and instead more evil outburst came from the neighbor. When the neighbor turned to tell the grandchild more hateful things about the hermit, the hermit thought of love. So the hermit kissed the hand and held it out, mentally thinking "Send love, send love". But the neighbor saw from the corner of the eye (or the back of the head?) and came over into the hermit's yard, and approached with fury, and poured out more invectives and hate. The hermit feared to be assaulted, but thankfully not.
When the neighbor left with the grandson, driving away in their car and still shouting curses, the hermit purposefully walked into Agnus Dei, shook some, and called the police. "How do I handle this?" The emergency officer replied that it sounded as if the neighbor was out of control and an officer needed to be sent to take the report. The hermit feared this would cause even more evil.
However, the conclusion is that the hermit is to come inside if the neighbor speaks, or comes on the property, or if the little child speaks or comes on the property, or if their cat comes on the property, and is to live "as if there is a forest between their houses" when in fact there is but 12 feet at most. Yet, there is something on record, and the hermit's family and friends said this is best. One suggested the hermit videotape or have a taperecorder, since the hermit has no witness save God alone, and the neighbor has spouse and adult son and little grandchild, but the hermit is not going to live like that. It is enough, and well enough, to live further like a prisoner. It is all as God allows, and it is a testament to the power of prayer.
The hermit has prayed much for this neighbor, but more so, perhaps the devil was reacting to the great effort of many for the hermit's mother's soul to be moved into more light and out of purgatory. The hermit does not know if this has happened; there have been no indications from God, but the devil's outburst through the neighbor is a good indication that some effect has occurred in the supernatural realms.
The devil is also angry over the priest's improvement, in his taking steps to live a better life, although he may never be reinstated to active ministry. God is using him, and this is good.
The hermit has not gone out into the Mary Garden since the eruption of hell two days ago, other than to drive to Mass. However, today the hermit will attempt some work in the Mary Garden, in doing a little caulking on some doors needing paint before winter, and in sawing part of a picket fence.
One must not fear the devil. This is certain invitation for more assaults. One must put on the armor of God, and to this goal, the hermit asked the priest after evening Mass, yesterday, to impart a priestly blessing, which he did, for protection. The hermit also has prayed for the neighbors, offering the upset of the event and the loss of freedom and pleasure, to God for the neighbors' souls to be saved.
A St. Michael the Archangel outdoor statue was already on order, for the outburst is not the first, although is definitely the worst. Prayerfully, it will be the last.
The hermit has wondered if living in a neighborhood is such a good idea, after all, or if safety would have been better out in the "boondocks." But, the hermit had been forewarned of the state of one of the neighbor's souls, prior to securing this lot #77 (such a perfect number and the reason the hermit chose the lot); and so it is all spiritual work, another assignment for the hermit.
Da mihi animus, caetere tolles! This is scripted on the hermit's coffin, and St. Dominic Savio used to pray this: Give me souls, all else take away!
Yes, when one offers to suffer for souls and renews the offering, fireworks may and will be set off. The hermit shouldn't have been surprised or upset and now is taking it as part of the job.
A few days ago this hermit made many offerings for the hermit's late mother to come into more light and to advance out of purgatory. (Can't go into the details as to how the hermit knows the mother is yet in purgatory, for it is an involved story.) Mass celebrated, alms given, prayers of friends, and works done for this intention, as well as some unexpected blessings from a priest who had been in strife but was making improvement--all these goods culminated in a demonic outburst from the hermit's neighbor.
The words poured out in evil force and torrent. The hermit was accused of being the devil, a witch, crazy, and all with invectives attached and cruel and nasty embellishments. Threats were made that the hermit's pension was going to be taken away, that photographs had been taken of the hermit bending over in the gardens, that the subdivision contractor and the neighbor were going to kick the hermit's (awful words added) skinny something out of the subdivision.
As this tirade was coming forth at the hermit, with the neighbor's four-year-old grandson listening and being told that the hermit is an evil witch and the devil, and that "666" should be painted on the evil witch's house, the hermit, stunned, could only think of what St. Alphonsus Rodriguez advises in such encounters: Make the sign of the cross in the air three times and command the devil to bow down and adore Jesus crucified or to depart. He wrote that the devil would flee.
So the hermit stood silently and made the sign of the cross three times in the air, slowly and with serene purpose, and did not speak but in the mind prayed for the devil to depart, and instead more evil outburst came from the neighbor. When the neighbor turned to tell the grandchild more hateful things about the hermit, the hermit thought of love. So the hermit kissed the hand and held it out, mentally thinking "Send love, send love". But the neighbor saw from the corner of the eye (or the back of the head?) and came over into the hermit's yard, and approached with fury, and poured out more invectives and hate. The hermit feared to be assaulted, but thankfully not.
When the neighbor left with the grandson, driving away in their car and still shouting curses, the hermit purposefully walked into Agnus Dei, shook some, and called the police. "How do I handle this?" The emergency officer replied that it sounded as if the neighbor was out of control and an officer needed to be sent to take the report. The hermit feared this would cause even more evil.
However, the conclusion is that the hermit is to come inside if the neighbor speaks, or comes on the property, or if the little child speaks or comes on the property, or if their cat comes on the property, and is to live "as if there is a forest between their houses" when in fact there is but 12 feet at most. Yet, there is something on record, and the hermit's family and friends said this is best. One suggested the hermit videotape or have a taperecorder, since the hermit has no witness save God alone, and the neighbor has spouse and adult son and little grandchild, but the hermit is not going to live like that. It is enough, and well enough, to live further like a prisoner. It is all as God allows, and it is a testament to the power of prayer.
The hermit has prayed much for this neighbor, but more so, perhaps the devil was reacting to the great effort of many for the hermit's mother's soul to be moved into more light and out of purgatory. The hermit does not know if this has happened; there have been no indications from God, but the devil's outburst through the neighbor is a good indication that some effect has occurred in the supernatural realms.
The devil is also angry over the priest's improvement, in his taking steps to live a better life, although he may never be reinstated to active ministry. God is using him, and this is good.
The hermit has not gone out into the Mary Garden since the eruption of hell two days ago, other than to drive to Mass. However, today the hermit will attempt some work in the Mary Garden, in doing a little caulking on some doors needing paint before winter, and in sawing part of a picket fence.
One must not fear the devil. This is certain invitation for more assaults. One must put on the armor of God, and to this goal, the hermit asked the priest after evening Mass, yesterday, to impart a priestly blessing, which he did, for protection. The hermit also has prayed for the neighbors, offering the upset of the event and the loss of freedom and pleasure, to God for the neighbors' souls to be saved.
A St. Michael the Archangel outdoor statue was already on order, for the outburst is not the first, although is definitely the worst. Prayerfully, it will be the last.
The hermit has wondered if living in a neighborhood is such a good idea, after all, or if safety would have been better out in the "boondocks." But, the hermit had been forewarned of the state of one of the neighbor's souls, prior to securing this lot #77 (such a perfect number and the reason the hermit chose the lot); and so it is all spiritual work, another assignment for the hermit.
Da mihi animus, caetere tolles! This is scripted on the hermit's coffin, and St. Dominic Savio used to pray this: Give me souls, all else take away!
Yes, when one offers to suffer for souls and renews the offering, fireworks may and will be set off. The hermit shouldn't have been surprised or upset and now is taking it as part of the job.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Quotes on Hermits' Prayer Practices
Fr. Raoul Plus, S.J. comments on the prayer of hermits in his book, How to Pray Always.
"In the well-known Vitae Patrum, it is related of a saintly recluse that he raised his heart to God a hundred and three times during one conversation; and it is noteworthy that the early hermits and monks were unused to making long prayers. St. Augustine in a letter to Proba writes, 'It is said of our brothers in Egypt that they prayed frequently, but that their prayers were very short, like darts shot heavenward, and the reason for this is interesting: it was for fear that the attention would end in becoming dulled and be extinguished finally if the prayer were prolonged.'"
This hermit is not sure that prayers are being offered other than in the silence and solitude of whatever is happening at the present moment. The thoughts are going on, sometimes consciously but mostly subconsciously and the bulk unconsciously. The hours and minutes pass, and soon dusk descends on Lake Immaculata, and the hermit wearies, and considers rest in bed for the night.
What have been the prayers offered to God today? Mass, of course, and Jesus is speaking and teaching these days on prayer. Today the Vicar General homilized on persistence in prayer, and that the Father will give us what we need, even if we only ask for what we want. And sometimes what we want is what we need.
Today the hermit has edited some in the little job given from the secular consumer world. It is good work, and so thoughts and prayers have been for the many people who are unjustly treated by companies and individuals in the companies. Then the hermit dealt with an error in shoes sent to Agnus Dei, for they were the wrong size, and the company seemed to think that this would slide by. Not so in shoes, for they must fit the foot. The company, it seems, has no shoes in the hermit's size, so an alternate was sent! The hermit prayed for this issue, and for the people all along the way who will return the shoes to the company in another state, and that the hermit will have another errand tomorrow and interactions with people involved in shipping. It is all prayer.
Then the hermit began to bake a cake, some brownies, and bran muffins. It seems best to do this baking at once, efficiently, and prayers were being offered but the hermit has no concious recollection. Some may have been, and surely so it seems, for the family coming to Agnus Dei for dinner tomorrrow evening, and to watch a DVD of St. Francis of Assisi. The hermit also prayed for adult children, their spouses, their children, and their work and lives. Surely the hermit's relatives came to mind, and a couple of friends who have had babies recently, and on it goes, into neighbors and books, and hermit life, and thoughts on prayer itself.
But mostly, there is a blank, a kind of vapid, vaporous chunk of timeless void gone, as being in the galaxy is like that for ether. The hermit was here with God, and through God, was and is in God.
Only pain and the timer bell for the oven brought the hermit back to the temporal realm. The hermit had forgotten how much pain comes from baking. The body cannot endure that effort, and the hermit considers that it is all right to have few guests. But it is a form of prayer to sacrifice, to suffer, while doing something that otherwise is fun! Used to be fun! Now, it is productive, and prayer is productive, perhaps at this stage, more than fun, or as much as it is fun.
Were the prayers like darts to heaven? Were they burning and shining like ether dissipating quickly, unseen to human eyes, unknown and unsensed by any but the Holy Trinity, Mary, the angels, the saints? Were they short? Or were they a continuum of communicating at various levels and dimensions with the One?
Probably some of all, like little spurts of sparks burning and shining, strung out like a jetstream or more like a shooting star. None require an answer, not really. God sees. God alone knows.
"In the well-known Vitae Patrum, it is related of a saintly recluse that he raised his heart to God a hundred and three times during one conversation; and it is noteworthy that the early hermits and monks were unused to making long prayers. St. Augustine in a letter to Proba writes, 'It is said of our brothers in Egypt that they prayed frequently, but that their prayers were very short, like darts shot heavenward, and the reason for this is interesting: it was for fear that the attention would end in becoming dulled and be extinguished finally if the prayer were prolonged.'"
This hermit is not sure that prayers are being offered other than in the silence and solitude of whatever is happening at the present moment. The thoughts are going on, sometimes consciously but mostly subconsciously and the bulk unconsciously. The hours and minutes pass, and soon dusk descends on Lake Immaculata, and the hermit wearies, and considers rest in bed for the night.
What have been the prayers offered to God today? Mass, of course, and Jesus is speaking and teaching these days on prayer. Today the Vicar General homilized on persistence in prayer, and that the Father will give us what we need, even if we only ask for what we want. And sometimes what we want is what we need.
Today the hermit has edited some in the little job given from the secular consumer world. It is good work, and so thoughts and prayers have been for the many people who are unjustly treated by companies and individuals in the companies. Then the hermit dealt with an error in shoes sent to Agnus Dei, for they were the wrong size, and the company seemed to think that this would slide by. Not so in shoes, for they must fit the foot. The company, it seems, has no shoes in the hermit's size, so an alternate was sent! The hermit prayed for this issue, and for the people all along the way who will return the shoes to the company in another state, and that the hermit will have another errand tomorrow and interactions with people involved in shipping. It is all prayer.
Then the hermit began to bake a cake, some brownies, and bran muffins. It seems best to do this baking at once, efficiently, and prayers were being offered but the hermit has no concious recollection. Some may have been, and surely so it seems, for the family coming to Agnus Dei for dinner tomorrrow evening, and to watch a DVD of St. Francis of Assisi. The hermit also prayed for adult children, their spouses, their children, and their work and lives. Surely the hermit's relatives came to mind, and a couple of friends who have had babies recently, and on it goes, into neighbors and books, and hermit life, and thoughts on prayer itself.
But mostly, there is a blank, a kind of vapid, vaporous chunk of timeless void gone, as being in the galaxy is like that for ether. The hermit was here with God, and through God, was and is in God.
Only pain and the timer bell for the oven brought the hermit back to the temporal realm. The hermit had forgotten how much pain comes from baking. The body cannot endure that effort, and the hermit considers that it is all right to have few guests. But it is a form of prayer to sacrifice, to suffer, while doing something that otherwise is fun! Used to be fun! Now, it is productive, and prayer is productive, perhaps at this stage, more than fun, or as much as it is fun.
Were the prayers like darts to heaven? Were they burning and shining like ether dissipating quickly, unseen to human eyes, unknown and unsensed by any but the Holy Trinity, Mary, the angels, the saints? Were they short? Or were they a continuum of communicating at various levels and dimensions with the One?
Probably some of all, like little spurts of sparks burning and shining, strung out like a jetstream or more like a shooting star. None require an answer, not really. God sees. God alone knows.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
God Pulls OUT the Hermit with Help from Santa Rosalia
The hermit had a horrendous attack yesterday, but last night God pulled the hermit out of it. This is the way it is, even though the spiritual da said the hermit must "pull out of it", the hermit cannot. Only God can pull the hermit out.
A phone call came late last night from a Catholic woman the hermit met under God-provided circumstances in Cathedral San Carlos y Borromeo in Monterey, CA, over five years ago. The whole meeting and friendship experience was orchestrated by God through Santa Rosalia, a hermit of Palermo, Italy who lived in a cave for 25 years, about 800 years ago.
The woman calls about once a year, unexpectedly each time, but always when the hermit has great need. It is as strange as Santa Rosalia's appearance to a young woman in Palermo, circa 1600's. That is how we know about Santa Rosalia today, through her miraculous appearance and message. She is the patroness of Monterey, although I did not know that when the saint and I began our adventure there.
The woman, last night, helped the hermit much with understanding, encouragement, and hope. This woman's family has had more suffering than what one could write in several blogs, but perhaps some of it should be written in the victim souls blog, as it deals with victim soul offering. This friend was interested in the three s', and the hermit told her it has been extended to nine s'. Then she laughed and said the tenth "s" should be "suffocation," as she has felt this in her isolation with so much suffering of her family. The hermit reminded her that Jesus suffocated to death on the cross. This fact made each of us feel much better, and stronger, not that we like it that Jesus suffocated. But we like it that we can know a bit what He endured, and that we should endure likewise.
The hermit went to early Mass, bad Catholic as the hermit felt to be with such darkness of the day before, such horrendous temptations. Going against the advice of the friend to stay clear of the confessor, the hermit not only went to confession, but when at Mass a man asked her to help with the Cup of Precious Blood, the hermit did so.
In confession, the hermit apologized deeply for having loved the Church more than loving God above all else, and admitted the tremendous passion held for over 12 years for Catholicism, and that this passion must be more so for God alone. Then the hermit expressed openly the attack, and the desire to see a psychologist, to which the confessor said a psychologist would not at all be useful for what the hermit is experiencing. The hermit admitted that the point, in the hermit's mind, was to be helped to leave Catholicism and be guilt-free for doing so! But that was under the attack, and the hermit had been freed last night with consolations.
The hermit admitted deep acceptance of having been etherized and sent out into the galaxy, of having no place in the Catholic Church but of having a place with God, and of total helplessness to "pull out" of these states when they come, and that only God can pull out the hermit. Yes, it is a helpless situation, and very frightening. Far easier to have manifestations of the devil outright.
But the confessor said that the hermit DOES have a place in the Church as part of the mystical Body of Christ, and that contemplatives ARE a part of the Church--and here the hermit interjected that Jesus said Mary chose the better part, but that this is not lived out in the Church. The confessor questioned a bit, and the hermit explained that even the Diocese paper is nothing but articles of action, action, and action. The editor had told the hermit that MAYBE there would be a "hole" for an article on contemplation, months down the road, and MAYBE once a month. Does that seem like choosing the better part? And, the hermit expressed that maybe the Church values contemplation and contemplative life in theory, but in practice it seems more about action and activity. Of course, Mass is the counter to action and is contemplation par holy excellence.
The confessor listened with a smile and yet with understanding. He said that the devil attacks the hermit because the hermit is enduring and is steadfast, and loves God very much and is a threat to the devil. The hermit does not see this, but will accept, for it makes sense out of chaos.
The hermit even admitted the thoughts of staying away from the confessor, and that being a good friend's advice, but no, the hermit had decided that the confessor can just lump through this with the hermit. This made the confessor sort of laugh, but he did not say he would not lump through it.
So the hermit is to be steadfast and just keep coming to Mass, receiving the Sacraments, and believing that the hermit has a place in the Catholic Church. And the hermit is to consider the Lord's Prayer, and the part of "lead me not into temptations," to which the hermit admitted having prayed for release from these attacks.
The hermit has returned to the Agnus Dei "cave", somewhere in the galaxy (the spiritual da asked if this meant 'cyberspace' and the hermit said sort of like that) with Santa Rosalia this morning, and there is disorder in the cave that must be organized, put away, and cleaned.
Thanks be to God for pulling out the etherized hermit from the black hole in the galaxy.
A phone call came late last night from a Catholic woman the hermit met under God-provided circumstances in Cathedral San Carlos y Borromeo in Monterey, CA, over five years ago. The whole meeting and friendship experience was orchestrated by God through Santa Rosalia, a hermit of Palermo, Italy who lived in a cave for 25 years, about 800 years ago.
The woman calls about once a year, unexpectedly each time, but always when the hermit has great need. It is as strange as Santa Rosalia's appearance to a young woman in Palermo, circa 1600's. That is how we know about Santa Rosalia today, through her miraculous appearance and message. She is the patroness of Monterey, although I did not know that when the saint and I began our adventure there.
The woman, last night, helped the hermit much with understanding, encouragement, and hope. This woman's family has had more suffering than what one could write in several blogs, but perhaps some of it should be written in the victim souls blog, as it deals with victim soul offering. This friend was interested in the three s', and the hermit told her it has been extended to nine s'. Then she laughed and said the tenth "s" should be "suffocation," as she has felt this in her isolation with so much suffering of her family. The hermit reminded her that Jesus suffocated to death on the cross. This fact made each of us feel much better, and stronger, not that we like it that Jesus suffocated. But we like it that we can know a bit what He endured, and that we should endure likewise.
The hermit went to early Mass, bad Catholic as the hermit felt to be with such darkness of the day before, such horrendous temptations. Going against the advice of the friend to stay clear of the confessor, the hermit not only went to confession, but when at Mass a man asked her to help with the Cup of Precious Blood, the hermit did so.
In confession, the hermit apologized deeply for having loved the Church more than loving God above all else, and admitted the tremendous passion held for over 12 years for Catholicism, and that this passion must be more so for God alone. Then the hermit expressed openly the attack, and the desire to see a psychologist, to which the confessor said a psychologist would not at all be useful for what the hermit is experiencing. The hermit admitted that the point, in the hermit's mind, was to be helped to leave Catholicism and be guilt-free for doing so! But that was under the attack, and the hermit had been freed last night with consolations.
The hermit admitted deep acceptance of having been etherized and sent out into the galaxy, of having no place in the Catholic Church but of having a place with God, and of total helplessness to "pull out" of these states when they come, and that only God can pull out the hermit. Yes, it is a helpless situation, and very frightening. Far easier to have manifestations of the devil outright.
But the confessor said that the hermit DOES have a place in the Church as part of the mystical Body of Christ, and that contemplatives ARE a part of the Church--and here the hermit interjected that Jesus said Mary chose the better part, but that this is not lived out in the Church. The confessor questioned a bit, and the hermit explained that even the Diocese paper is nothing but articles of action, action, and action. The editor had told the hermit that MAYBE there would be a "hole" for an article on contemplation, months down the road, and MAYBE once a month. Does that seem like choosing the better part? And, the hermit expressed that maybe the Church values contemplation and contemplative life in theory, but in practice it seems more about action and activity. Of course, Mass is the counter to action and is contemplation par holy excellence.
The confessor listened with a smile and yet with understanding. He said that the devil attacks the hermit because the hermit is enduring and is steadfast, and loves God very much and is a threat to the devil. The hermit does not see this, but will accept, for it makes sense out of chaos.
The hermit even admitted the thoughts of staying away from the confessor, and that being a good friend's advice, but no, the hermit had decided that the confessor can just lump through this with the hermit. This made the confessor sort of laugh, but he did not say he would not lump through it.
So the hermit is to be steadfast and just keep coming to Mass, receiving the Sacraments, and believing that the hermit has a place in the Catholic Church. And the hermit is to consider the Lord's Prayer, and the part of "lead me not into temptations," to which the hermit admitted having prayed for release from these attacks.
The hermit has returned to the Agnus Dei "cave", somewhere in the galaxy (the spiritual da asked if this meant 'cyberspace' and the hermit said sort of like that) with Santa Rosalia this morning, and there is disorder in the cave that must be organized, put away, and cleaned.
Thanks be to God for pulling out the etherized hermit from the black hole in the galaxy.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
The Hermit Has Another Attack
The hermit had another major attack today. It is as well to be realistic and honest, as this is not some superficial gloss of the romanticized hermit life, of idyllic scenes and endearing glimpses of solitude by the crackling fire while painting icons.
This is the life of a hermit who faces horrendous assaults that come quickly, and are currently of the theme of needing to get out of Catholicism. In fact, the whole issue has been of not being able to express these feelings and pressures which build inside, not to anyone.
When the hermit calls the spiritual da, mostly the hermit tries to buck up and seem as if all is o.k. This afternoon the hermit called, and in distress began to weep, and the spiritual da said, "You HAVE TO PULL OUT OF THIS! You have to PULL OUT!" Yes, I know, and yet I am helpless to do so.
The hermit then e-mailed a friend, thinking it was time to see a psychologist. The friend said it would need to be a Catholic one. The hermit had not that in mind at all. The hermit wanted to see a psychologist with the idea that the psychologist, once knowing the background, would help the hermit get out of the Church, post haste.
Then the hermit realized that there is no one to speak with about this matter. The Protestants cannot be privy to the despair and the sense of deep rejection, although one friend suspects. The family cannot know, for it is frustrating then, when the hermit remains in the Church, and is too much for them to bear the pain and the torments. The Catholics cannot know, for they cannot know the hermit's mystical life. The spiritual da cannot know the full extent of the despair and the thoughts, for it would hurt him deeply and worry him, at his age. The confessor can maybe know, although the Catholic friend thinks (not knowing the mystical stuff) that the hermit should stay clear of him for awhile. And maybe the hermit should, but why? The hermit is dead, and a priest who the hermit has spilled the guts to of the reality of the interior soul, should be able to spill these thoughts out to someone. Yet, there is a growing mistrust issue, and that, too, may be part of the attack.
In the exterior, the hermit has to keep up a good front and not let on that anything is amiss. This lends to the fragile sense of not belonging, of being etherized, of nothingness. In purgatory, would the soul have a sense of existence? For this is no sense of existence, only blackness and death without meaning. Suffocation in continuum, but keeping up the outer appearances like china, cracked, but patched and painted over.
Anyway, the hermit feels all the more as if everything is shoved in and down, with no escape and no one to comprehend or understand. This state builds to a peak, and then the hours creep by, and the cover of darkness nears, and then there will be night time and maybe better sleep, and then morning and Mass and maybe confession, probably confession, and a fearless spilling of more guts, even if not understood and even if the confessor wishes the hermit would go away with these continuing anguishes.
Then, God sends a consolation, and this time a friend from Germany who e-mailed a response to a note of two weeks ago, and offering his apartment in the south of France. The friend is not Catholic, but is not any religion although has a priest uncle. The friend knows nothing of the hermit's on-going upset and even depression, Catholic depression, for that is what it seems. In the deepest of the despair, the thought has begun to loom that only if the hermit could get away from Catholicism and the rejections, the darkness would leave. But the hermit has no idea where to go from there, and there is no where else but the Church. So round and round it goes until God opens an air-hole in a consolation.
Anyway, this is one aspect of this hermit's life, and in being a journal-ist, it is well to share this aspect. It is not the kind of assault or attack that one might expect. One would rather have a magnificent beating by the devil or room caught on fire, or bed shaking across the room. Instead, it is sheer insanity instilled for awhile, and no one to comprehend except maybe a confessor or such as the priest the other evening who said, "It is the devil."
Even that does not help at the time, for the hermit does not think at all it is the devil when in darkness. Instead, it is just another way to keep the hermit etherized and sent out into the galaxy. That is what it seems, then, to the hermit under attack.
One can sort of comprehend, thus, the conundrum of the situation. How long this will last--who knows but God? The periods of light are welcome but not as much as one might imagine, for it seems that with the light, the hermit is used to darkness coming at some point after. Then light, then dark, and maybe the dark will suck the hermit out of the ether into even less than ether. But, we take one hour at a time.
This is the life of a hermit who faces horrendous assaults that come quickly, and are currently of the theme of needing to get out of Catholicism. In fact, the whole issue has been of not being able to express these feelings and pressures which build inside, not to anyone.
When the hermit calls the spiritual da, mostly the hermit tries to buck up and seem as if all is o.k. This afternoon the hermit called, and in distress began to weep, and the spiritual da said, "You HAVE TO PULL OUT OF THIS! You have to PULL OUT!" Yes, I know, and yet I am helpless to do so.
The hermit then e-mailed a friend, thinking it was time to see a psychologist. The friend said it would need to be a Catholic one. The hermit had not that in mind at all. The hermit wanted to see a psychologist with the idea that the psychologist, once knowing the background, would help the hermit get out of the Church, post haste.
Then the hermit realized that there is no one to speak with about this matter. The Protestants cannot be privy to the despair and the sense of deep rejection, although one friend suspects. The family cannot know, for it is frustrating then, when the hermit remains in the Church, and is too much for them to bear the pain and the torments. The Catholics cannot know, for they cannot know the hermit's mystical life. The spiritual da cannot know the full extent of the despair and the thoughts, for it would hurt him deeply and worry him, at his age. The confessor can maybe know, although the Catholic friend thinks (not knowing the mystical stuff) that the hermit should stay clear of him for awhile. And maybe the hermit should, but why? The hermit is dead, and a priest who the hermit has spilled the guts to of the reality of the interior soul, should be able to spill these thoughts out to someone. Yet, there is a growing mistrust issue, and that, too, may be part of the attack.
In the exterior, the hermit has to keep up a good front and not let on that anything is amiss. This lends to the fragile sense of not belonging, of being etherized, of nothingness. In purgatory, would the soul have a sense of existence? For this is no sense of existence, only blackness and death without meaning. Suffocation in continuum, but keeping up the outer appearances like china, cracked, but patched and painted over.
Anyway, the hermit feels all the more as if everything is shoved in and down, with no escape and no one to comprehend or understand. This state builds to a peak, and then the hours creep by, and the cover of darkness nears, and then there will be night time and maybe better sleep, and then morning and Mass and maybe confession, probably confession, and a fearless spilling of more guts, even if not understood and even if the confessor wishes the hermit would go away with these continuing anguishes.
Then, God sends a consolation, and this time a friend from Germany who e-mailed a response to a note of two weeks ago, and offering his apartment in the south of France. The friend is not Catholic, but is not any religion although has a priest uncle. The friend knows nothing of the hermit's on-going upset and even depression, Catholic depression, for that is what it seems. In the deepest of the despair, the thought has begun to loom that only if the hermit could get away from Catholicism and the rejections, the darkness would leave. But the hermit has no idea where to go from there, and there is no where else but the Church. So round and round it goes until God opens an air-hole in a consolation.
Anyway, this is one aspect of this hermit's life, and in being a journal-ist, it is well to share this aspect. It is not the kind of assault or attack that one might expect. One would rather have a magnificent beating by the devil or room caught on fire, or bed shaking across the room. Instead, it is sheer insanity instilled for awhile, and no one to comprehend except maybe a confessor or such as the priest the other evening who said, "It is the devil."
Even that does not help at the time, for the hermit does not think at all it is the devil when in darkness. Instead, it is just another way to keep the hermit etherized and sent out into the galaxy. That is what it seems, then, to the hermit under attack.
One can sort of comprehend, thus, the conundrum of the situation. How long this will last--who knows but God? The periods of light are welcome but not as much as one might imagine, for it seems that with the light, the hermit is used to darkness coming at some point after. Then light, then dark, and maybe the dark will suck the hermit out of the ether into even less than ether. But, we take one hour at a time.
Advice from St. Mary Magdalene d'Pazzi
The hermit would do well to think on this advice from St. Mary Magdalene d'Pazzi, mystic and victim soul, Carmelite nun of the 16th century, Florence, Italy. What is written of the saint's words regarding the ideal of a Carmelite nun, is appropriate for the hermit.
"Dead to themselves in all things and in every way, they ought to live only in God and for God....They will then do nothing, see nothing, hear nothing but God, and will become, so to speak, another God by participation and union. Therefore, if they work, it is not they who work, but it is God Who is working in them. If they speak, it is God Who speaks in them. And so on in all things.
"Have no care but God. Want Him alone with your will; seek His pure glory and honor in your every action, even the least."
St. Mary Magdalene further distinguishes between nuns of active life and nuns of contemplative life, and the hermit falls in the latter category.
"Those who are apostles--for instance, nuns of active life--have many ways of glorifying God and making themselves helpful to their neighbor: They have children to teach, the sick to care for, souls to comfort and to convert. But for the Carmelite all these things are forbideen by her very vocation. She has only the interior means: death to herself, so that God may live and work in her.
"Apostles have their preoccupations and distractions, but also their consolations. They see from time to time the fruit of their labors and they have the satisfaction of movement, of employing for God the talents they have received. But for the Carmelite the contrary is the rule; nothing interrupts her routine, the days follow one another, all alike...and so too the years, for her entire life. She can but gaze unswervingly at the goal to be attained, and repeat with Christ: 'Father, for them do I sanctify myself' (John 17:19)."
And this:
"God asks of us a true death, without which we shall never be able to do anything. But do not think that you can gain this death to self with milk and honey in your mouth, with internal and external sweetness. It is impossible for one truly to die without feeling pain."
The encouragement to such a death, to the highest degree of perfection, the saint speaks thus:
"It is here that we should earnestly desire to arrive, in order to be of help to our neighbor and to give great satisfaction to God and joy to all of paradise. The prayers of these souls are always heard, because of the intimate union they have with God. And just as the Eternal Father denies nothing to His Son, Who is in all things like Himself, so these souls, inasmuch as they have become one with God, obtain all that they ask."
_______________________________
The hermit reads and tries to assimilate this message from St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi. It is not easy. The reality is so painful a death, and the death continues in the sense of being suffocated, of shut down, of buried alive, of not given a chance, of not being utilized in the Church, of being etherized and sent out into the galaxy.
The spiritual da called last evening, and he thought the phrase and the word "ether" to be very good, a very good word, and appropriate. The hermit told him it was a vapor from the upper realms and the root means "to burn, to shine."
He said, "Don't burn out! You are a good Catholic! Don't burn out! Only shine!"
The hermit feels as if burning out, or already burned out. There are brief spurts of shine, but the burned out blackness is particularly intense before and after Masses. This is not good, not good at all. The hermit feels much guilt for this blackened burn-out, and does not feel at all like a good Catholic.
But once back at Agnus Dei, and looking out upon the waters of Lake Immaculata, and soon to begin some editing work unrelated except to the commercial world of people ripped off unjustly, the hermit will manage through another few hours. The burned-out blackness is offered to God for souls, for the Church.
"Dead to themselves in all things and in every way, they ought to live only in God and for God....They will then do nothing, see nothing, hear nothing but God, and will become, so to speak, another God by participation and union. Therefore, if they work, it is not they who work, but it is God Who is working in them. If they speak, it is God Who speaks in them. And so on in all things.
"Have no care but God. Want Him alone with your will; seek His pure glory and honor in your every action, even the least."
St. Mary Magdalene further distinguishes between nuns of active life and nuns of contemplative life, and the hermit falls in the latter category.
"Those who are apostles--for instance, nuns of active life--have many ways of glorifying God and making themselves helpful to their neighbor: They have children to teach, the sick to care for, souls to comfort and to convert. But for the Carmelite all these things are forbideen by her very vocation. She has only the interior means: death to herself, so that God may live and work in her.
"Apostles have their preoccupations and distractions, but also their consolations. They see from time to time the fruit of their labors and they have the satisfaction of movement, of employing for God the talents they have received. But for the Carmelite the contrary is the rule; nothing interrupts her routine, the days follow one another, all alike...and so too the years, for her entire life. She can but gaze unswervingly at the goal to be attained, and repeat with Christ: 'Father, for them do I sanctify myself' (John 17:19)."
And this:
"God asks of us a true death, without which we shall never be able to do anything. But do not think that you can gain this death to self with milk and honey in your mouth, with internal and external sweetness. It is impossible for one truly to die without feeling pain."
The encouragement to such a death, to the highest degree of perfection, the saint speaks thus:
"It is here that we should earnestly desire to arrive, in order to be of help to our neighbor and to give great satisfaction to God and joy to all of paradise. The prayers of these souls are always heard, because of the intimate union they have with God. And just as the Eternal Father denies nothing to His Son, Who is in all things like Himself, so these souls, inasmuch as they have become one with God, obtain all that they ask."
_______________________________
The hermit reads and tries to assimilate this message from St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi. It is not easy. The reality is so painful a death, and the death continues in the sense of being suffocated, of shut down, of buried alive, of not given a chance, of not being utilized in the Church, of being etherized and sent out into the galaxy.
The spiritual da called last evening, and he thought the phrase and the word "ether" to be very good, a very good word, and appropriate. The hermit told him it was a vapor from the upper realms and the root means "to burn, to shine."
He said, "Don't burn out! You are a good Catholic! Don't burn out! Only shine!"
The hermit feels as if burning out, or already burned out. There are brief spurts of shine, but the burned out blackness is particularly intense before and after Masses. This is not good, not good at all. The hermit feels much guilt for this blackened burn-out, and does not feel at all like a good Catholic.
But once back at Agnus Dei, and looking out upon the waters of Lake Immaculata, and soon to begin some editing work unrelated except to the commercial world of people ripped off unjustly, the hermit will manage through another few hours. The burned-out blackness is offered to God for souls, for the Church.
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