Motives of the Heart

It is not easy to discern one's motives. Reading writings of a journal can be viewed from various perceptions, and even more so when the writer is not known by others but yet has a hard enough time knowing the self! However, the process is very beneficial, is personal, and thus it is humbling; on occasion (but rare) the writer re-reads an entry, and yes, it could seem (and maybe so) that pride is dripping from the nonpages--and not coated with self-renunciation.

The hermit has begun reading an old book titled Self-renunciation. It is by an Abbe Guillore. Too soon to chatter about the contents; and too soon to have much soull-shaping effects.

However, someone left a comment asking a question about suffering. I have been praying about this topic, for it has to do with praying and asking for suffering, as opposed to praying for God's will and accepting the suffering that comes--come as it will and does! So I share thoughts; the hermit-victimsoul shares thoughts.

The commenter writes that she prays for God's will and wonders if praying for suffering somehow crosses the line--for God does answer our prayers. My thoughts (and I have prayed that I learn to write from within the Sacred Heart and withing what would be Jesus' thinking) are that motive of the heart moves within the soul. The soul consists of the intellect and the will, and the these are also affected by imagination (includes memory) and emotion and senses. (This comes from St. John of the Cross' explanation of the soul.)

A person may pray to do God's will, but it could be a prayer such as: Do with me what You will; or, Use me however You want. Then God answers, but it seems He answers best when the motive is genuine. Sometimes the prayer has strings attached that only the heart knows, and sometimes the senses, the emotions, the imagination and intellect can sort of cloud the will and the love from the heart, thus graying the motive. One can sort of tell when the prayer is, as is said: heartfelt.

Yet, sometimes, in certain circumstances, souls have prayed for suffering. Why? Well, that surely must be answered within their own souls and the hearts' motives.
It could be well-intentioned and full of a kind of love, but perhaps that love is not pure--contains senses and emotion and imagination. None of these are bad; but they do tend to get in the way of a pure motive. Pure motives are not easy, and I wonder if a pure motive can be pre-meditated? It seems that purity comes as a grace and is more spontaneous. It seems that in these cases, the souls that pray for suffering do so from some kind of known or unseen invitation within the soul and the heart, from Jesus.

It can come in ways such as with mystics and saints to whom Jesus appears (like Sr. Josefa Menedez and several other victim souls)--and visibly and orally and literally invites them to suffer with and for Him, to assist in the great work of on-going reparation for the sins of the world. Could it be that the Blessed Virgin Mary was a victim soul, perhaps the first--who was asked to bear the Messiah and was also told part of her mission would include a sword piercing her own soul? I rather think so. (Again, I share thoughts and am not a theologian or authority of any kind, in anything! Even my hermit life is not complete, nor is my victimsoulhood complete; all is in process.)

The invitation to suffer with and for Jesus may also not be so direct. It could come in a dream or flashing, a waking image of being held up to Christ's wounded side, with blood flowing into the ear, and being told: Listen to my Blood! It could come with enough repeated sufferings and a kind of training in suffering, over a period of time. It could be as if Jesus is saying: Get with the program!--or asking: Do I have to spell it out for you and appear in person? Do you make me go to that extent for you to see that I desire you as my victim of suffering and of love?

Or, as I share on the other blog about victim souls, the suffering can be intermittent and not so formalized a situation; and while to be offered to Jesus in His work of reparation, it also and maybe more so, is given to a particular soul for that soul's spiritual progression and purtification. In either case, the soul is trained, purged, purified.

The soul who asks Jesus to allow that soul to suffer, usually does so with loving motives. Jesus knows; and with those whose motives are not so pure (even if that soul cannot see it), the prayer would not be granted, or it seems, if granted in a small manner, would always be in order for that soul to learn from Him (for He is meek and humble of Heart). The soul might learn that it cannot well endure the Cup that was given it to drink! Or, the soul might learn that its motives were acceptable to Jesus; and the life as a victim soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus commences. It all takes much faith!

The saints often prayed to suffer. I suppose of those souls who prayed to suffer with the wrong motives, we do not read about--perhaps they were not granted the task because simply it was not God's will that they have that particular vocation.
For them, they are granted the usual sufferings that all humans will experience, highlighted by death.

Surely it is from a very deep and real and intense love of God from which the fountain spurts in a soul's heart, beseeching Jesus, for love of Him, to allow the soul to be so intimately united with Him as to suffer through, with and in Him. It is all done with and by Love: much Love--and a kind of innocence of motive. And that is what is so difficult for even the stated soul to know for sure. But the odds are better if the soul cries out this desire and is then rather surprised that it did so. Or sometimes the cry for suffering comes at a deep point of anguish over some situation in this world, and the soul is given light to see that it desires to help Jesus in any way possible: to alleviate His on-going sufferings, to participate with Him as what becomes the reality as the only way for that soul to help. This is all very mystical, of course.

I personally think that it is all right for a person to ask for suffering, to pray for this, if the motives are of love and not of wanting to tinker with phenomenon or to "sit at the right or the left" in Christ's Kingdom, so to speak. Then He asks, "Can you drink of the chalice I will give you?"

Jesus is merciful, and so when a soul asks to suffer, He knows the motives even if the soul does not; and maybe it does not matter so much if the soul knows. Jesus will answer as He knows best, just as He did for the apostles.

In that sense, the suffering that the friend (as example in the comment) prayed for, did come from God. It was the cup offered with the question, "Can you drink this?" Evidently the friend did drink it. Whether or not the friend benefitted from the loving potion of pain, and whether or not the friend offered all suffering for Jesus and thanked Him for personal lessons learned--even if it was that the soul was not so ready or able to suffer, after all--is between that soul and God.

Yes, I think it would be a lovely world now and hereafter, if everyone asked Jesus with loving desires and motives, to be able to suffer through, with and in Him. At this point, though, much of the world cannot comprehend the value of suffering, for that value is found to be within Christ's suffering and mission of salvation. To lovingly perceive suffering as meritorious, then, would be for a rather agnostic or even atheistic segment of the population to perceive Jesus Crucified, which would require admitting to our sinful natures and that Jesus died out of love for us in order to make reparation for our sins, to SAVE US eternally.

Our end is to glorify God. The reason God created souls to begin with is so that we could glorify Him. Other souls are created and all creation is created in order to glorify God and to help us to help one another (even through what might seem negative experiences) to glorify God.

We can offer our sufferings after the fact, or we can be prepared in advance. We can ask to suffer, but then we must be willing to drink that cup He gives. Part of the cup includes doubts and humbling failures, for we might not suffer so well as we think we can or would like. Also, the suffering might come once, and that is it. The devil does get involved against souls who with loving motives desire to suffer through, with and in Christ for love of Him and for love of souls. As a vocation, it is not so glorious for the self; it means pain, and that pain can come in all kinds of unexpected packages.

If a person does not ask to suffer but rather prays for God's will, that is all right. If a person has a nudge to ask for suffer but does not, that might not be so dandy. If a soul prays for suffering but is not ready or has the wrong motive, our Merciful Jesus will sort it all out and handle that soul accordingly. The soul might simply be given some suffering, and then perhaps if there was some genuine desire in the prayer, be given more training in suffering, and brought into the work full-time.

St. Catherine de Ricci, mystic and victim soul of the 16th century (Florence, Italy) and of the same era as St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi (also a victim soul and mystic) had the exterior stigmata and suffered each Thursday night through Friday, the passion of Jesus. This went on for a few years, but it became more a disruption to others, so she prayed for it to stop, and it did. The outer signs of suffering sometimes appeal to souls, and although they did not at all to this saint, there have been known to be false mystics and false stigmatists--hysterical ones who even then may be well-intentioned. In these, the devil uses them.

God always brings good, no matter what. Even the false ones are good reminders that the spiritual realm and even suffering, require on-going discernment, prayer, practice, and suffering. For the false mystics we read about, do indeed suffer; and often their greatest suffering is eventually admitting or coming to the awareness that their desire to suffer might have been from impure motives, from selfish desire to gain attention, or just some aspect of their highly emotive, undisciplined nature.

I will share that over 23 years ago, I distinctly recall praying that God just use me however He desired. Circumstances in my life--something within me--seemed to not be right, and I came to a very simple, quiet point and at night remember praying that he just use me as He wanted. No big deal. Two weeks later, my life was turned upside down. It has been a gradual process of learning about suffering, which of course led me into the Cathoic Church, for that is what God willed, and then into the vocation as victim soul first, and now hermit, as God wills this hidden hermit life to be very beneficial in suffering for love of Him. At one point my deeper desires of my heart had at times come to a love of souls enough and a love of Jesus's mission--to desire to suffer more; so I prayed for that. And then I, through discussions with my spiritual director, was nudged to make a more formal vow of consecration of suffering. This I renew each year on the Feast of St. Pio. Each year, Jesus answers in ways I never anticipated. The suffering usually catches me (no, always!) off-guard, and I suffer like a fool. That makes the suffering even better, for I suffer poorly. I'm sure there have been times that I may have asked in love and for love of Him, to suffer, that He did not give me suffering. Yes, I can think of some instances, or at least it didn't seem that I suffered as I asked. One was just this fall, for I offered to go blind in exchange for a fairly young priest to return to his vocation as a priest, to have his eyes opened from his being swept off his feet by an older woman. I have not gone blind; he has not returned. God knows I meant good and not to inconvenience others had I gone bling! Yet, perhaps Jesus in His wisdom is having me suffer in ways I do not know about being particularly linked; or perhaps he is utilizing others who have offered and asked to suffer for whatever Jesus desires. He may be using their suffering in this particular case of the priest and the woman. (The woman needs reparation, too, after all. And don't we all?)

Always, the suffering in Christ for others includes the on-going work of reparation for one's own sins. Sometimes maybe that is the main work going on through our own suffering!

This is more thoughts than what the commenter probably needed or wanted, and I doubt they make much sense or are grossly repetitive. Again, the hermit reminds itself that this is very much a personal revealing of a very imperfect soul, imperfectly chronicling its bumpy journey of loving the Most Holy Trinity, and all.