Some Thoughts in Process, as Incomplete Hermit

This life is not at all easy. I shared with my confessor that this is my greatest challenge, to live this life, as it seems I am dying. Then I later wrote to my spiritual director, when the life seemed all the more sucked from me, that this life of silence, solitude and slowness is "killing me."

When I began reading Pere Louis Bouyer's book The Meaning of the Monastic Life, I could begin to understand the motives and desires of hermits, and what it would take to be a complete hermit. I am only in the first chapters of the book, substituting the word "hermit" for "monk", and "hermitage" for "monastery." I was not at all surprised when I read that the monk/hermit is led into the desert and confronts the demons.

Did I share about how the devil impostured as my confessor just a few days ago, and how confusion came, and by the grace of God I told him as soon as I could of what had happened--still believing that it was true and not from the devil? Thankfully, the confessor immediately dispelled the situation, and a few days later I was consoled by his saying I'd handled that situation just right. Yes, the devil is here in this desert in many regards.

Some days are 23 and a half hours of silence, solitude and slowness. I consider Mass not to be silence or solitude, yet in a way, it is a time set apart from earth, all the same, and gloriously so. Other days, there are a phone call or two, and I may "treat" myself to stopping in a store and distracting myself, even purchasing something such as an orchid, or today, orchid pots to replant the orchids in, even though that won't be necessary for several weeks.

So, I see that it is not easy to be in the desert, and for me it is a gradual process, for I don't think my mind or emotions could handle the plunge of a Maria of Olonets! But, daily, and over many days, the stillness is coming in, and the battles are being fought, and mostly won.

I know that complete union will come only in suffering, through suffering, with and through and in Christ. This, too, when I am consumed by Him and consume Him in the Eucharist: His Body and Blood.

Today at Mass, on another thought, I realized that there are many aspects of current homilies in which I must interpolate the message for hermit life. It is much exhortation of the Faithful to be active in active apostolate and active works of mercy. Little is promoted for the life of hiddenness and prayer, of sacrifice and dying to self in solitude and silence. But, perhaps this must be for the bulk of humanity, in order to lead the world of people in the people's world to at least an exterior life of love.