This is the condition today, looking out on the bumpy frozenness of Lake Immaculata.
I am sick in soul and body. The pain is in direct correlation to sin. Too much melting and freezing over, then melting, then snow and more freezing, then melting. The pond is mottled like a face bumpy with acne scars.
Such is the face of my soul and down under the skin, deep into its pores. Maybe even into the bones.
DeRoy the Handyman came again yesterday. He made a huge error the last time, wrongly hooking up the hard water faucet to the soft water line, taking two or more hours finding parts and fussing around trying to do it--wrong. Then he charged for all the hours and the mistake. The next day I called to see if he would be charging me again when he returned to correct the mistake. He said of course he would not. But he did. And he called to say he would be 15 minutes later than noon, and yet when it came time to pay him, he said he had come at noon, and charged for the full time, including the (granted, short) time to re-do the error.
He spoke of helping the poor, though, and of helping at his Missionary Baptist Church. And he did do over the course of three trips, many good tasks which I could not do myself.
The greatest thing he did, though, is to tell me (the clock ticking but what the difference?) about how he had been forced out of a job that he'd worked for 30 years, along with several other men. Then he got a different job, working nights, and would come home and sleep a few hours and go out and work several hours at his handyman business. He is a good handyman, too, in being thorough and kind.
But he said that one morning he woke up and asked, "What are you doing, DeRoy?" That night he told his wife that something had to go. Later that night he told his boss at the company that he was giving 30 days' notice. The boss did not want him to quit as he liked how he taught the younger men a good work ethic. But he knew he had to do something different with his life, and so he did. He now is busy and very happy with the handyman work, with many jobs, nearly too many if he doesn't watch it.
So I wrote the check for more than the time he was there, and figured I'd gained more than the $37. For one thing, I learned that one needs to simply make profound changes from time to time in life. For another thing, I saw clearly that while we think we might be very good indeed, we don't see the sometimes small ways in which we maybe don't have a good work ethic if it comes to not being totally honest. I would have rather paid $35 an hour for a full hour's work than $25 an hour for incorrect time charged. I would have been told that one does not know how to do something than to pay to have that person figure out through error how to do it.
But, we humans are imperfect even if we think we are very good. And we might be very good but still bad in some ways.
I am very bad and maybe a little good in some ways.
My sinfulness is so readily seen like the bumpy pond ice, that I am sick of myself.
I won't go into what I have done this time. It is more of the same, and of seeing through people (and myself), and of complaining and knowing that something just isn't right, and motives aren't so good in a certain situation, and of not wanting to deal with the other persons or myself. Or maybe just learn to deal with myself.
Or maybe it has to do with trying to have a discussion with people who do not read the material, difficult as it is. And of reading, for example, Tanquerey, and then of realizing that once deeper into the contemplative aspects written, there becomes a difficulty in discussing it, as reading about the contemplative life and mystical life becomes very interior and private.
There is a division going on, and I awoke this morning, and I said, "What are you doing?"
"You have a direct call to the hermit life, you know for certain that this is what God has chosen for you. So why aren't you living it? Why do you dabble with people or a person who is on a different track? And then you complain and criticize which is totally sinful--(and maybe, I hope in this solitary conversation, that it is not so sinful after all but just a means to see that I am at loggershead with someone I am better off not encountering)."
It has to come sometime, this being shut down and cut off from so much people-izing. The world needs to be protected from me, also, from the sickness of soul and body.
Pain and sin do have direct correlation. My sin makes me sick; the pain makes me sin.
Now, how does pain make a person sin? Well, it makes one tired, and then the resources are weakened, the will is undermined, and before long and in me quite soon, words are spoken or thoughts made which are not charitable. They might be true, or maybe just assumptions. Nonetheless, they go against what contemplatives saints advise--go against how Jesus would act. When he was in pain, he kept quiet except to forgive people and to commend his soul to the Father.
St. John of the Cross wrote this counsel: "...resignation--he must needs live in the monastery [hermitage of the world] as if no other person lived there; and thus he should never intermeddle with them, in order to preserve his tranquility of soul, remembering Lot's wife, who, because she turned her head on account of the cries and noise made by those that were perishing, was turned into hard stone. This the religious [even a hermit] must observe very straitly, and he will then free himself by its means from many sins and inmperfections, and will preserve his tranquillity and quietness of soul, and will make great progress in the sight of God, and in that of men [not that being seen by men is all that good except for being a good example and displaying Christ to all]."
Another counsel that I must take seriously is this: "Withdraw from creatures if you desire to preserve, clear and simnple in your soul, the image of God. Empty your spirit and withdraw far from them and you will walk in divine lights, for God is not like creatures."
And yet another in conclusion: "...but leave all those other things and attend to one thing alone, which brings all these with it, namely holy solitude, together with prayer and spiritual and divine reading, and persevere there in forgetfulness of all things. For if these things are not incumbent upon you, you will be more pleasing to God inknowing how to guard and perfect yourself than by gaining all other things together, for what does it profit a man if he gains thewhole world and suffers the loss of his soul?"
[Matt. 16:26.]
I am called to this, and the way has been cleared for it. In many instances, a person may desire this call to contemplative life, to a more clear-cut contemplative life, and yet be called to active duty, such as work in a Diocese or in a family. But my life has been cleared of these things, and sometimes harshly so, like God's axe felling huge trees in a woods, making a vast clearing.
So why have I continued to wander out into the world, even the world of goodness in good spiritual activities?
This morning I awoke and asked, "What am I doing?"
Now I am returning to the clearing of God's choosing. Maybe the soul will lose some of its sickness. The pond will melt and be smooth either in another freezing or in springtime.
I am sick in soul and body. The pain is in direct correlation to sin. Too much melting and freezing over, then melting, then snow and more freezing, then melting. The pond is mottled like a face bumpy with acne scars.
Such is the face of my soul and down under the skin, deep into its pores. Maybe even into the bones.
DeRoy the Handyman came again yesterday. He made a huge error the last time, wrongly hooking up the hard water faucet to the soft water line, taking two or more hours finding parts and fussing around trying to do it--wrong. Then he charged for all the hours and the mistake. The next day I called to see if he would be charging me again when he returned to correct the mistake. He said of course he would not. But he did. And he called to say he would be 15 minutes later than noon, and yet when it came time to pay him, he said he had come at noon, and charged for the full time, including the (granted, short) time to re-do the error.
He spoke of helping the poor, though, and of helping at his Missionary Baptist Church. And he did do over the course of three trips, many good tasks which I could not do myself.
The greatest thing he did, though, is to tell me (the clock ticking but what the difference?) about how he had been forced out of a job that he'd worked for 30 years, along with several other men. Then he got a different job, working nights, and would come home and sleep a few hours and go out and work several hours at his handyman business. He is a good handyman, too, in being thorough and kind.
But he said that one morning he woke up and asked, "What are you doing, DeRoy?" That night he told his wife that something had to go. Later that night he told his boss at the company that he was giving 30 days' notice. The boss did not want him to quit as he liked how he taught the younger men a good work ethic. But he knew he had to do something different with his life, and so he did. He now is busy and very happy with the handyman work, with many jobs, nearly too many if he doesn't watch it.
So I wrote the check for more than the time he was there, and figured I'd gained more than the $37. For one thing, I learned that one needs to simply make profound changes from time to time in life. For another thing, I saw clearly that while we think we might be very good indeed, we don't see the sometimes small ways in which we maybe don't have a good work ethic if it comes to not being totally honest. I would have rather paid $35 an hour for a full hour's work than $25 an hour for incorrect time charged. I would have been told that one does not know how to do something than to pay to have that person figure out through error how to do it.
But, we humans are imperfect even if we think we are very good. And we might be very good but still bad in some ways.
I am very bad and maybe a little good in some ways.
My sinfulness is so readily seen like the bumpy pond ice, that I am sick of myself.
I won't go into what I have done this time. It is more of the same, and of seeing through people (and myself), and of complaining and knowing that something just isn't right, and motives aren't so good in a certain situation, and of not wanting to deal with the other persons or myself. Or maybe just learn to deal with myself.
Or maybe it has to do with trying to have a discussion with people who do not read the material, difficult as it is. And of reading, for example, Tanquerey, and then of realizing that once deeper into the contemplative aspects written, there becomes a difficulty in discussing it, as reading about the contemplative life and mystical life becomes very interior and private.
There is a division going on, and I awoke this morning, and I said, "What are you doing?"
"You have a direct call to the hermit life, you know for certain that this is what God has chosen for you. So why aren't you living it? Why do you dabble with people or a person who is on a different track? And then you complain and criticize which is totally sinful--(and maybe, I hope in this solitary conversation, that it is not so sinful after all but just a means to see that I am at loggershead with someone I am better off not encountering)."
It has to come sometime, this being shut down and cut off from so much people-izing. The world needs to be protected from me, also, from the sickness of soul and body.
Pain and sin do have direct correlation. My sin makes me sick; the pain makes me sin.
Now, how does pain make a person sin? Well, it makes one tired, and then the resources are weakened, the will is undermined, and before long and in me quite soon, words are spoken or thoughts made which are not charitable. They might be true, or maybe just assumptions. Nonetheless, they go against what contemplatives saints advise--go against how Jesus would act. When he was in pain, he kept quiet except to forgive people and to commend his soul to the Father.
St. John of the Cross wrote this counsel: "...resignation--he must needs live in the monastery [hermitage of the world] as if no other person lived there; and thus he should never intermeddle with them, in order to preserve his tranquility of soul, remembering Lot's wife, who, because she turned her head on account of the cries and noise made by those that were perishing, was turned into hard stone. This the religious [even a hermit] must observe very straitly, and he will then free himself by its means from many sins and inmperfections, and will preserve his tranquillity and quietness of soul, and will make great progress in the sight of God, and in that of men [not that being seen by men is all that good except for being a good example and displaying Christ to all]."
Another counsel that I must take seriously is this: "Withdraw from creatures if you desire to preserve, clear and simnple in your soul, the image of God. Empty your spirit and withdraw far from them and you will walk in divine lights, for God is not like creatures."
And yet another in conclusion: "...but leave all those other things and attend to one thing alone, which brings all these with it, namely holy solitude, together with prayer and spiritual and divine reading, and persevere there in forgetfulness of all things. For if these things are not incumbent upon you, you will be more pleasing to God inknowing how to guard and perfect yourself than by gaining all other things together, for what does it profit a man if he gains thewhole world and suffers the loss of his soul?"
[Matt. 16:26.]
I am called to this, and the way has been cleared for it. In many instances, a person may desire this call to contemplative life, to a more clear-cut contemplative life, and yet be called to active duty, such as work in a Diocese or in a family. But my life has been cleared of these things, and sometimes harshly so, like God's axe felling huge trees in a woods, making a vast clearing.
So why have I continued to wander out into the world, even the world of goodness in good spiritual activities?
This morning I awoke and asked, "What am I doing?"
Now I am returning to the clearing of God's choosing. Maybe the soul will lose some of its sickness. The pond will melt and be smooth either in another freezing or in springtime.
