Another Potential Hermit Rule

In reading the introduction to the life of St. Catherine de Ricci (victim soul and mystic), the hermit notes another potential rule of life. It also faciliates the three ways of the spiritual life: the three conversions necessary for any disciple of Jesus, seeking union.

From Psalm 33:15 we are advised:
Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.

Yes, this could be another simple rule of life for any hermit, or a hermit's mini-course in the spiritual life--with overtures of St. John of the Cross, Tanquerey, and Garrigou-Lagrange! Why not quote the Dominican Fr. Bertand Wilbeforce's erudition of this Psalm?

"'Depart from evil.' The purification of the soul from all sin, mortal and venial, and from all affections and desires that are not for God, is the first stage of the spiritual life, and is called the 'purgative state,' or the state of purification.

"'Do good.' These two words indicate the second stage of the soul's life, which is called the 'illuminative state,' and consists in meditating on and practially imitating the life and virtues of Jesus Christ, the lifht of the world. The third stage is called the 'unitive way,' because the purified soul, formed after the model of Christ, does all that is possible to unite itself to God in perfect love.

"In these three ways, the ways of the Lord, all must walk continually. The beginner, though still unpurified, must try to follow our Lord and to be united to God by love, and the soul most advanced in perfection will always find defects to be amended and virtue to be practised more generously. But at first the chief work will be ot purify the soul, while after a time the main object will be to form virtuous habits by imitatng the life of Chirst, and at last the union o flove will be the one absorbing though and desires. This union can be always made more and more perfect; it can increase without measure."

[from St. Catherine de Ricci: Her Life, Her Letters, Her Community, by F. M. Capes; intro. by Fr. Bertrand Wilberforce, OP, p. xxii]

Hermit Formation

The insight came during the night that hermit "formation" varies from the formation of monks and nuns. Hermits who derive from religious orders and congregations, of course, have the inherent formation, but hermit life involves unique formation by the Holy Spirit.

Since hermits' rules of life vary according to each hermit, the formation is unique. Since there is no novice master or mistress, the spiritual director might take that role, or the confessor, but not in as direct way. No, for the hermit, the Holy Spirit is the One Who forms the hermit according to God's will, and union with Christ as goal.

Much of the formation utilizes the rule of life, unique to each hermit, as the proving ground. Boot camp extends into life career into eternal destiny.

Some hermits may spend years working toward canonical approval; others may discover early on that God wills otherwise, and the formation requires more hiddenness. For all hermits, dying to self is requisite. The Holy Spirit moves in whatever way necessary within the hermit soul to bring this to effective result.

Formation for a hermit evolves moment by moment. Expect the unexpected within a framework of silence and penance.

Hermit Throws Down the Gauntlet

The hermit is perhaps too bold.

In the past few days, the hermit threw down the gauntlet. It had to do with the young priest, very much marked for his destiny as a priest, who thinks, now, otherwise. The hermit wrote to him about sacrifice, then destiny, then mysterium tremendum, and finally lowered the barrels and shot the straight of it, of what is at stake should he continue to set his sights away from his priestly destiny.

The hermit told the B and VG about the steps taken in this, for better words, "assignment." The B seemed rather thankful that someone was telling it like it is to the young man who is bent on a deceptive track. The VG seemed perhaps amazed, and this would not have been his tactic. He is more prudent, steady, reserved. He asked the hermit to pray before the Blessed Sacrament to ask the Holy Spirit to make sure what words are used are those of truth and of the Holy Spirit. The hermit did this, for sure.

Part of the situation is that the hermit is fed up with the devil. It is not so much the young priest to whom the hermit was leveling the supernatural realities of the stakes here. It was a throwing down of the gauntlet to the devil who is stirring up the lust and desires, deceiving the young man and his older woman friend, that he needs intimacy and has been sad and depressed.

Perhaps he has been. Who brings sadness and depression to the soul? Who stirs lust and carnal desire, especially in the mind and body of a priest?

The hermit slept little last night, and this situation has been consuming in prayer and offerings. Today the hermit placed two books this priest had givent he hermit when he was in seminary, as well as his hand-written and typed letters of that time--and placed them before the Our Lady of Grace statue which sits atop the hermit's coffin in the great room of Agnus Dei. The hermit turns over the case to the Blessed Mother.

No more words need be written to the young man, now on leave from active ministry. The hermit now will pray and await whatever sufferings the Lord may be pleased to exact, commensurate with the needs of the dire situation.

The hermit, now, is suddenly and deeply exhausted from all this intensity. The sun is barely edging the tree tops, readying to slip beneath Lake Immaculata, down into dusk, and the hermit may crawl into bed to ponder many things in the heart.

Great Is the Lord Who Delights in the Peace of His Servant

Despite additional physical suffering, the maidservant of the Handmaid of the Lord, the hermit here at Agnus Dei, experiences the Lord's peace. Great is the Lord! Great is the Lord's peace! Great is the Lord Who delights in the peace of His servant!

This from Psalm 35, in Office of Readings. And, for the young priest assignee, and for the hermit as well, comes this quote from St. Augustine which helps describe the indescribable mysterium tremendum for which the soul's heart yearns:

"Certainly we do not know something if we cannot think of it as it really is; whatever comes to mind we reject, repudiate, find fault with; we know that this is not what we are seeking, eve if we do not yet know what kind of thing it really is....

"Scripture says: He pleads for the saints because he moves the saints to plead, just as it says: The Lord your God tests you, to know if you love him, in this sense, that he does it to enable you to know. So the Spirit moves the saints to plead with sighs too deep for words by inspiring in them a desire for the great and as yet unkonwn reality that we look forward to with patience. How can words express what we desire when it remians unknown? If we were entirely ignorant of it we would not desire it; again, we would not desire it or seek it with sighs, if we were able to see it." (St. Augustine, in a letter to Proba)

The hermit commented to the Spiritual Da the other day that it is when a soul loses the reality of the mysterium tremendum that the soul turns out into the world. This is the case with the young priest who experiences sadness, loneliness and desires now intimacy with a woman.

Destiny is born forth from the mysterium tremendum, at the moment of conception when God implants the soul into temporal substance. To diverge from one's destiny brings confusion and loss of reality. What seems real, such as carnal love or even beautiful human intimacy, is untrue for a soul destined for union with God alone. For one destined otherwise, for married love, the soul would be in confusion if divergent from this God-will destiny.

Knowing one's destiny is crucial, no matter how long it takes to ascertain. All souls' destinies ought lead to Heaven; but the path on earth is unique to each soul, as each soul is created uniquely by God and for God.

When the sense of the numinous is suppressed in the Church, in souls, and discouraged in clerics and laity from fear that matters will get out of hand, the reality of the mysterium tremendum faces annihilation, suffocation. Temptation comes to fill the void with the temporal, good as some of the temporal may be.

But temporal is only temporal and only ever will be temporal.

Far better to deal with too much exuberance, with a few false mystics occasionally sparking from the fire of mysterium tremendum than to keep smoldering wicks ever smoldering, bruised reeds ever bruised.

Is it a lack of faith when those who lead souls fear the fire? Do they fear that fervor will burn out of control? Do they not have faith that God is in control of souls, of fires in souls, and that Jesus came to earth to set it on fire--and oh, how he wished it were burning already?

One's destiny is found amidst the burning flames. One must cast out into the deep, must throw oneself into the flickering flames of the numinous and burn within the mysterium tremendum of God. Only then will the soul meld with the One.

The soul is subsumed in the Divine Will, anihilated of self and all temporal sledge. The soul ignites with the Fire of Holy Trinity, burns and shines now and forever. Destiny exists in this eternal flame of union with God.

To remain outside the flame, or to simply smolder--to disembark from one's God-willed destiny, whatever that is for the individual soul--is to deny the purity of God's unseen, indescript, tremendous mystery.

Visit with Hermit's Anam Cara

Yesterday the hermit visited the spiritual da: my anam cara. This nearly 88-year-old Irish priest is more the hermit and mystic than any other this hermit knows. He is a great mentor.

Of course, when the hermit tells him he is the mentor, the spiritual da scoffs, for he is exemplary in humility.

We discussed a recent assignee to the hermit: a priest of 8 years who is on leave from active ministry, for he has fallen in love, or thinks he needs intimacy to counter sadness. The hermit has written this young priest and prays much, and now the spiritual da is praying much, also. The young priest is marked by God for a special destiny, and the young woman who set her sights on him, as well as the priest who lost the priestly focus, face losing both their God-will destinies if they continue on this divergent path.

The hermit had written to the priest of the hermit's sadness and loneliness, of feelings of being suffocated, isolated. Yes, these are experiences and sensations on the path of union with Christ. While horrendous, they are to be expected. It is the reality, however, of their intensity, which sucks the breath from the emotions and the light from the mind. Darkness, dreer, and dank demisal storm the soul.

Ah, it is to die. And to die is good. The Bible tells us so. The spiritual masters tell us so. The saints show us. Jesus led the way; He is our Teacher and Exemplar in dying to self in order to rise in Him. That is when life begins.

The hermit's spiritual da sum anam cara spoke about sounding the depths. He reflected upon his childhood in County Galway and of going to the sea. He had a great fear of the ocean, of Galway Bay, and he'd watch people always put their big toes in to test the water before they'd jump in. Some would wade in, and rarely did anyone just jump without putting in the big toe.

He said that Jesus calls us to the deep waters, and this takes courage and faith. We discussed Peter walking on the water and of jumping in to swim to Jesus Who stood on the shore. Yes, Peter always had Jesus as His goal, His destination, and it wasn't like jumping into the ocean far out, without seeing Christ. So we must always see Christ, have Him as our destination, even if He does not stand visibly before us. He is here, standing, waiting to reach out a steadying hand, to receive us in warm embrace.

The hermit read a letter sent to the Bishop. Also, the hermit brought up thoughts on why priests (or anyone) has difficulty in fulfilling God-willed destinies. But these topics are for another writing session. The anam cara had much to comment on these, also, with readings augmenting--writings of Fr. Matthew Kelty of Abbey of Gethsemane.

So in the night when the hermit could not sleep due to pain, the hermit reflected upon the anam cara, and how God brought such insight and richness to the visit, with much love and help in the hermit's fulfillment of God-willed destiny.

Into Great Silence

The hermit happened upon the DVD Into Great Silence. This is the highly acclaimed film by Philip Groning about the life of the Carthusians at La Grande Chartreuse.

Viewing the film, in silence and solitude this past Saturday evening, at Agnus Dei, instills change of heart and soul, deep within.

The hermit has studied the Carthusians for several years, and the longing to possess God in the way these monks possess God, reawakens and vivifies. Peace grows. Peace and purpose sprout from the seed crushed and fallen to the ground, buried alive and now bringing new life.

In a conversation a couple days ago, with a priest "assignee"--a soul in need of much healing and of letting go of the past--the hermit describes this monumental film and its message. The assignee is eager to view it, also, yet does not have a call to Carthusian spirituality, per se. However, in encouraging the assignee to view how God is now utilizing him, and the freedom and joy of being utilized in ways he had not considered previously, the hermit laughed and said, "Your life is showing me myself."

The question was asked: Why have I spent several years beating my head against a stone wall?

The assignee shared an image that popped into his head: A bird in a cage flying against the bars--when the cage door is wide open!

So it is that the hermit is called again into great silence. The joy and peace surround in overcast and cold with brilliant gold and red and orange leaves waving flags of freedom in the vista across Lake Immaculata.

A letter is prepared for the Bishop: a letter of gratitude and acceptance. The hermit is grateful that no canonical approval was or will be granted. The hermit is grateful that no position in the Church, no category or volunteer task, is or will be granted. Rather, freedom is granted: freedom to fly through the open cage door--and freedom to fly back into the cage when God wills. To fly freely back and forth, between worlds.

The hermit explains to the Bishop that the hermit realizes now that the bulk of the hermit's work is in the supernatural world, not the temporal world, not the Catholic world, although all worlds meld. The hermit is now more a Catholic than ever, in love and prayed-for-purity. The hermit understands and rejoices that abjection is the desired gift and way of life. The hermit has re-pondered the angel's message, and there would not have been the same freedom if the hermit's will had been done.

The hermit had wrongly imposed his will upon God. The hermit sees this now, even though in rational, temporal, and Catholic sight it seemed canonical approval and working in and for the Church would make so much sense. But it is not what God desires of this hermit! St. John of the Cross has explained detachment from the senses, and making sense is often an attachment, for it is not God's sense.

Now the hermit flies into great silence, renews the focus of balance in the nine s', and is at peace.

How beautiful is the will of God, is fulfilling one's destiny, when one stops flying against the bars and

Weariness

As has been mentioned previously, often hermits have physical ailments which lend well to the eremitic life. The hermit is rather tired these days with a cold adding to the weariness.

The events of the last week, the upheaval with the neighbors, are in spiritual review. The readings from this week's Masses help. Jesus' advice in taking one's peace if it is not accepted, in taking it and going on, helps the hermit know to take the peace offered but to offer it in prayer instead. The hermit is offering prayer but also sacrifice for the neighbors' souls. Today the hermit will push the physical body a bit to do more outdoor painting and perhaps plant bulbs for spring.

Weariness is only of the body, for a hermit must accept abjection but keep going, simply keep going, as best the body is able.

The hermit is doing more writing in continuing some lessons from Canon Beaudenon's book Formation to Humility. These writings are posted on a different blog site.

The hermit has also written a letter to the Bishop, thanking him for his response to the hermit's vocation request, and also thanking him that the Diocese job was not given to the hermit. The hermit is accepting very much God's will, with only occasional bouts of trying to instill the hermit's ideas of what God should be doing with the hermit's life!

Formation to humility will be helpful to the hermit.... It's all about God's will, not the hermit's!
When the hermit is weary and sleepless during the night, and day, prayer for souls and prayer for hermit humility absorb God's time given the hermit in this life, on this earth. While the hermit mentioned in the letter to the Bishop that there are the temporal world, Catholic world, and supernatural world, the hermit's work deals mostly with the supernatural world.

A Hermit's Sacrifice

Sacrifice is not one of the Nine S', but it does fall under Selflessness, which is one of the S'.

Another sleepless night for the hermit brought much weeping over the sorrowful situation with the neighbors. The other woman neighbor is home now, living on the other side of the ones for whom the hermit prays and prays. The hermit heard the two women outside yesterday, speaking louder-than-necessary, about the hermit.

They don't know the hermit is a hermit, of course, or it would be worse in misunderstanding and meanness. The hermit does not want to encourage others to sin due to misunderstanding a vocation, and the people in this area tend to wariness.

Another sleepless night, but the hermit prayed. The hermit prays for many intentions, and most if not all are of the sorrows of this world. The hermit is too naive and idealistic, perhaps, and has enough life experience to warrant a tougher shell, but the sorrows affect; maybe the sorrows assist the prayers. Someone or more of us need to be awake at night, praying for the world. Many pray, many pray. We all are praying in the suffering silent night.

The confessor said that he hears many people speak of horrible situations with neighbors. The hermit is instructed to live life, mind the hermit's business, and to not run from the suffering. Show charity when possible, but to stay clear of the immediate neighbors, of course.

To know that there are many such problems with neighbors, increases the hermit's sorrows and intensifies the prayers for the sorrows of the world. It is a beautiful day here at Agnus Dei, and Lake Immaculata is smooth mirror-clear. The world reflects into the waters. But on close investigation, flies buzz, fish eat minnows, birds attack mice, and the leaves wither and fall.

The hermit also mentioned something to the confessor which caused him to say, relative to the issue: It is a sacrifice. It had to do with the priestly vocation. Yes, and the hermit's vocation is a sacrifice. In suffering and selflessness, the hermit must learn to become a sacrifice, to be an immolation, to counter the sorrows of the world with self that has died and become one in Christ's sacrifice, to suffer the sorrows of the world, even the small sorrows such as neighbors being unkind, in reparation, in helping Christ save souls.

This hermit accepts being an immolation, accepts the sacrifice necessary. But, that doesn't make it easy in the human aspects, in the disappointment of realizing how easy it would be if everyone loved and loved and loved one another. Jesus wept.

Saints' Advice on Souls, to St. Mary Magdalene de' Pazzi

St. Mary Magdalene de' Pazzi knew well her vocation, and the Carmelite vocation or any cloistered vocation of prayer and penance is akin to eremitic life. She said that others might work and sweat and preach; she, as a lowly Carmelite, was to pray and suffer and immolate herself in silence.

Saints would come to Mary Magdalene de' Pazzi with advice. One day St. Ignatius of Loyola asked, "Do you know who is capable of making a great catch of souls?"

Then he answered his own query: "One who has humility. But those who do not have this humility are not able to go outside themselves."

Mary Magdalene had the secret in these words. She spent entire nights in praying for souls, tormented herself with nettles, and snipped her flesh with small scissors, and fasted. What she could not reach with her actions, she sought through her desires for souls.

Another sister commented that Mary Magdalene's zeal for the salvation of souls was so strong that "if she had given her life it woulod have seemed to her that she had not done anything at all."

Bl. Hippolytus Galantini, founder of the Congregation of Christian Doctrine, visited Mary Magdalene de' Pazzi, in spirit. He emphasized to her the need to teach children, asked the assistance of her prayers in this, and let her know how zeal effects consoling results.

St. Mary Magdalene then promised him both more prayer and penance. She also exclaimed to the novices about her, "Let us not be surpassed by the seculars!" She added, "From my earliest years God has given me this impulse to work for the salvation o fmy neighbors, and I have never done anything about it.....Yet this man [Bl. Hippolytus], who perhaps has not received the graces that I have received, does so much and labors so much for the salvation of souls!"

As for love of neighbor, St. Mary Magdalene herself leaves these thoughts, recorded during one of her many ecstasies:

Oh, tell me, Mary! How am I to love this my neighbor? Oh, you have gone too high in telling me to love my neighbor as my Bridegroom has loved her. And how did He love her? For each of them He left the bosom of the Eternal Father together with the power, the wisdom and, so to speak, the purity [of the Godhead], in order to dwell midst the impurity of creatures. And finally He gave Himself and His own Blood. So too must I leave myself...and be prepared to give my blood, were such the need for their salvation.

The Hermit Meets with the Sheriff's Deputy

This is not how the hermit ever dreamed hermit life would be.

Today the hermit had irrational fears of being arrested for having, four months ago, holy-watered the neighbors' and the hermit's mailboxes (on a kiosk) in an attempt to pray for peace and love. This was following the neighbor's first demonic outburst in the presence of the hermit and the surveyor. It seemed to help, but, of course, we know that more outbursts have followed, to the point of needing the sheriff's intervention.

Yes, the hermit had to get help if nothing other than to keep the neighbors from doing something that would get them into serious and lasting trouble.

After Mass, the irrational fears departed, and the hermit realized that nightmares had fueled the fears, and that the devil is behind nightmares and irrational fears. So the hermit drove to the sheriff's department as they had requested (since the hermit didn't want another marked car coming in view of the neighbors, for fear of retaliation). The hermit gave the additional harrassment report, and the sheriff's deputy read the previous report, and then said the hermit must go to the court and get a protective order. Yes, this is what the hermit was to do for the hermit's protection.

The hermit went to the court, but in asking questions, was told that the sheriff would serve the protective order on the adult neighbors. Ah, the hermit fears these people, and so took the paper work and said prayer and thought would take place before returning with them. The court lady understood, for she said often the protective orders escalate the anger in the offenders against the victim. Yes, the sheriff's deputy and the court lady referred to the hermit as "the victim."

Back at Agnus Dei, the hermit began to caulk and paint the front door. The neighbors came out and stayed in front of their home, yet the woman loudly spoke to the grandson, describing the hermit in derogatory terms. The hermit continued to paint, tears streaming in silence.

The sorrow and suffering and silence was offered to Jesus, for the Church, for the Diocese, for many intentions including the confessor/vicar general whose cross is increasing with much work, for priest problems, and for the conversion of the souls next door.

The hermit also pondered the suffering Jesus endured and endures, for surely adults spoke of Him, even to little children, in derogatory terms.

This is the life of a hermit: to unite with Christ in humiliations, injustices, sufferings, and yet to pray with confidence and joy in that some day, some way, souls will be saved by sorrows.

Demonic Warfare

The life of a hermit is not all peaches and cream. I think I've commented on this to anyone who happens to read these blogs. The hermitage is not always a "safe place" in terms of the world. But it is always ripe for whatever God desires, and that includes the allowance of demonic warfare.

At stake here at Agnus Dei Hermitage is the souls of the neighbors. When the hermit had a dream of the neighbor man, prior to even having this lot, of his standing with a strange smile but behind him was stretched out in a coffin, dead--the hermit sensed this was not a positive! Ominous dreams are that: warnings. However, in sudden and unexpected circumstances, the hermit had to change lots at the last minute, and this was the lot best in some aspects, right next to these people.

Yesterday the hermit finally ventured out into the Mary Gardens in back, and dead-headed flowers. The neighbor woman came out and repeatedly photographed the hermit. Most hermits, if not all, should not be photographed. It goes against hiddenness and nothingness, but the hermit acted as if knowing nothing, perceiving nothing, and thought: stability, stability, stability. The hermit slowly, slowly kept dead-heading. Then the woman spoke loudly on a cell phone that they were getting a German Shepherd guard dog that will bark until 11 p.m. and will be kept in a fenced area on the hermit's side of the house. Well, so we will have a big barking dog. The hermit loves all creatures. Then the neighbors placed their trash can near the line, by Agnus Dei's front window view, and kept the lid off. So, we will have wild critters enjoy the garbage.

It is harrassment. The young woman who lived on the other side of these people has obviously left. The house has been vacated for three or four weeks. Odd how with the focus on the immediate problem, the hermit had not consciously noted that she was not about the place. The builder and developer are checking into what happened to her. Where is this young teacher and her little dog she used to walk, and her father who came daily to visit?

Today I am to go to the Sheriff's dept. to file an harrassment report. It is the hermit's interface with the world, with the legalities of the world. Ether re-enters the planet to burn and shine. But the main work has been prayer for these people's souls. A Mass is going to be offered for "the neighbors." The hermit comprehends spiritual warfare when it comes. It is not pleasant. In fact, it can be frightening. Yes, the hermit admits some vulnerability, especially now that the other neighbor is gone, and there are no other houses close by. Yet, the hermit is in the hands of God, and as an undercover agent for the Lord, must continue in this mission for these souls, especially for the innocent four-year-old grandson living there.

The hermit's daughters want the hermit to move. That is not so easy, although it can be done if necessary. The hermit had always wanted to donate the property to unwed mothers or to a refugee family, but that would not be a holy donation--to have other people live next door to hell. No, the hermit will remain in except for some outdoor chores necessary, but which will require the woman to have to photograph from her garage service door rather than out their back patio doors.

The builder is checking into what is happening, as this is going to have ramifications for the subdivision, for other people considering buying lots and building. So, we shall see. Last night the hermit had nightmares about these people and what they would do next. Upon awakening, prayers were offered. More prayers, and love sent in thought next door. We hold steady here at Agnus Dei, and my angel Beth is wise. We may hire a security person for when the college boys return on Friday to help finish out the work next to the property line on that side. That might be security money well-spent for peace of mind, since it took the sheriff an hour to arrive when called.

In the next blog, the hermit is going to write what St. Mary Magdalene d'Pazzi recommends, from locutions from other saints, as to catching souls and the love of neighbor! How good is God to have these pages in the hermit's line of reading, at this very time! No coincidence. They are messages for the undercover agent of the Lord, in ways to supernaturally defeat the evil by God's grace and the power of love.

Hell Erupts at Agnus Dei

A Diocese hermit e-mailed following this hermit's renewal of vow of consecration of suffering, that the fireworks would begin. They have.

A few days ago this hermit made many offerings for the hermit's late mother to come into more light and to advance out of purgatory. (Can't go into the details as to how the hermit knows the mother is yet in purgatory, for it is an involved story.) Mass celebrated, alms given, prayers of friends, and works done for this intention, as well as some unexpected blessings from a priest who had been in strife but was making improvement--all these goods culminated in a demonic outburst from the hermit's neighbor.

The words poured out in evil force and torrent. The hermit was accused of being the devil, a witch, crazy, and all with invectives attached and cruel and nasty embellishments. Threats were made that the hermit's pension was going to be taken away, that photographs had been taken of the hermit bending over in the gardens, that the subdivision contractor and the neighbor were going to kick the hermit's (awful words added) skinny something out of the subdivision.

As this tirade was coming forth at the hermit, with the neighbor's four-year-old grandson listening and being told that the hermit is an evil witch and the devil, and that "666" should be painted on the evil witch's house, the hermit, stunned, could only think of what St. Alphonsus Rodriguez advises in such encounters: Make the sign of the cross in the air three times and command the devil to bow down and adore Jesus crucified or to depart. He wrote that the devil would flee.

So the hermit stood silently and made the sign of the cross three times in the air, slowly and with serene purpose, and did not speak but in the mind prayed for the devil to depart, and instead more evil outburst came from the neighbor. When the neighbor turned to tell the grandchild more hateful things about the hermit, the hermit thought of love. So the hermit kissed the hand and held it out, mentally thinking "Send love, send love". But the neighbor saw from the corner of the eye (or the back of the head?) and came over into the hermit's yard, and approached with fury, and poured out more invectives and hate. The hermit feared to be assaulted, but thankfully not.

When the neighbor left with the grandson, driving away in their car and still shouting curses, the hermit purposefully walked into Agnus Dei, shook some, and called the police. "How do I handle this?" The emergency officer replied that it sounded as if the neighbor was out of control and an officer needed to be sent to take the report. The hermit feared this would cause even more evil.

However, the conclusion is that the hermit is to come inside if the neighbor speaks, or comes on the property, or if the little child speaks or comes on the property, or if their cat comes on the property, and is to live "as if there is a forest between their houses" when in fact there is but 12 feet at most. Yet, there is something on record, and the hermit's family and friends said this is best. One suggested the hermit videotape or have a taperecorder, since the hermit has no witness save God alone, and the neighbor has spouse and adult son and little grandchild, but the hermit is not going to live like that. It is enough, and well enough, to live further like a prisoner. It is all as God allows, and it is a testament to the power of prayer.

The hermit has prayed much for this neighbor, but more so, perhaps the devil was reacting to the great effort of many for the hermit's mother's soul to be moved into more light and out of purgatory. The hermit does not know if this has happened; there have been no indications from God, but the devil's outburst through the neighbor is a good indication that some effect has occurred in the supernatural realms.

The devil is also angry over the priest's improvement, in his taking steps to live a better life, although he may never be reinstated to active ministry. God is using him, and this is good.

The hermit has not gone out into the Mary Garden since the eruption of hell two days ago, other than to drive to Mass. However, today the hermit will attempt some work in the Mary Garden, in doing a little caulking on some doors needing paint before winter, and in sawing part of a picket fence.

One must not fear the devil. This is certain invitation for more assaults. One must put on the armor of God, and to this goal, the hermit asked the priest after evening Mass, yesterday, to impart a priestly blessing, which he did, for protection. The hermit also has prayed for the neighbors, offering the upset of the event and the loss of freedom and pleasure, to God for the neighbors' souls to be saved.

A St. Michael the Archangel outdoor statue was already on order, for the outburst is not the first, although is definitely the worst. Prayerfully, it will be the last.

The hermit has wondered if living in a neighborhood is such a good idea, after all, or if safety would have been better out in the "boondocks." But, the hermit had been forewarned of the state of one of the neighbor's souls, prior to securing this lot #77 (such a perfect number and the reason the hermit chose the lot); and so it is all spiritual work, another assignment for the hermit.

Da mihi animus, caetere tolles! This is scripted on the hermit's coffin, and St. Dominic Savio used to pray this: Give me souls, all else take away!

Yes, when one offers to suffer for souls and renews the offering, fireworks may and will be set off. The hermit shouldn't have been surprised or upset and now is taking it as part of the job.

Quotes on Hermits' Prayer Practices

Fr. Raoul Plus, S.J. comments on the prayer of hermits in his book, How to Pray Always.

"In the well-known Vitae Patrum, it is related of a saintly recluse that he raised his heart to God a hundred and three times during one conversation; and it is noteworthy that the early hermits and monks were unused to making long prayers. St. Augustine in a letter to Proba writes, 'It is said of our brothers in Egypt that they prayed frequently, but that their prayers were very short, like darts shot heavenward, and the reason for this is interesting: it was for fear that the attention would end in becoming dulled and be extinguished finally if the prayer were prolonged.'"

This hermit is not sure that prayers are being offered other than in the silence and solitude of whatever is happening at the present moment. The thoughts are going on, sometimes consciously but mostly subconsciously and the bulk unconsciously. The hours and minutes pass, and soon dusk descends on Lake Immaculata, and the hermit wearies, and considers rest in bed for the night.

What have been the prayers offered to God today? Mass, of course, and Jesus is speaking and teaching these days on prayer. Today the Vicar General homilized on persistence in prayer, and that the Father will give us what we need, even if we only ask for what we want. And sometimes what we want is what we need.

Today the hermit has edited some in the little job given from the secular consumer world. It is good work, and so thoughts and prayers have been for the many people who are unjustly treated by companies and individuals in the companies. Then the hermit dealt with an error in shoes sent to Agnus Dei, for they were the wrong size, and the company seemed to think that this would slide by. Not so in shoes, for they must fit the foot. The company, it seems, has no shoes in the hermit's size, so an alternate was sent! The hermit prayed for this issue, and for the people all along the way who will return the shoes to the company in another state, and that the hermit will have another errand tomorrow and interactions with people involved in shipping. It is all prayer.

Then the hermit began to bake a cake, some brownies, and bran muffins. It seems best to do this baking at once, efficiently, and prayers were being offered but the hermit has no concious recollection. Some may have been, and surely so it seems, for the family coming to Agnus Dei for dinner tomorrrow evening, and to watch a DVD of St. Francis of Assisi. The hermit also prayed for adult children, their spouses, their children, and their work and lives. Surely the hermit's relatives came to mind, and a couple of friends who have had babies recently, and on it goes, into neighbors and books, and hermit life, and thoughts on prayer itself.

But mostly, there is a blank, a kind of vapid, vaporous chunk of timeless void gone, as being in the galaxy is like that for ether. The hermit was here with God, and through God, was and is in God.

Only pain and the timer bell for the oven brought the hermit back to the temporal realm. The hermit had forgotten how much pain comes from baking. The body cannot endure that effort, and the hermit considers that it is all right to have few guests. But it is a form of prayer to sacrifice, to suffer, while doing something that otherwise is fun! Used to be fun! Now, it is productive, and prayer is productive, perhaps at this stage, more than fun, or as much as it is fun.

Were the prayers like darts to heaven? Were they burning and shining like ether dissipating quickly, unseen to human eyes, unknown and unsensed by any but the Holy Trinity, Mary, the angels, the saints? Were they short? Or were they a continuum of communicating at various levels and dimensions with the One?

Probably some of all, like little spurts of sparks burning and shining, strung out like a jetstream or more like a shooting star. None require an answer, not really. God sees. God alone knows.

God Pulls OUT the Hermit with Help from Santa Rosalia

The hermit had a horrendous attack yesterday, but last night God pulled the hermit out of it. This is the way it is, even though the spiritual da said the hermit must "pull out of it", the hermit cannot. Only God can pull the hermit out.

A phone call came late last night from a Catholic woman the hermit met under God-provided circumstances in Cathedral San Carlos y Borromeo in Monterey, CA, over five years ago. The whole meeting and friendship experience was orchestrated by God through Santa Rosalia, a hermit of Palermo, Italy who lived in a cave for 25 years, about 800 years ago.

The woman calls about once a year, unexpectedly each time, but always when the hermit has great need. It is as strange as Santa Rosalia's appearance to a young woman in Palermo, circa 1600's. That is how we know about Santa Rosalia today, through her miraculous appearance and message. She is the patroness of Monterey, although I did not know that when the saint and I began our adventure there.

The woman, last night, helped the hermit much with understanding, encouragement, and hope. This woman's family has had more suffering than what one could write in several blogs, but perhaps some of it should be written in the victim souls blog, as it deals with victim soul offering. This friend was interested in the three s', and the hermit told her it has been extended to nine s'. Then she laughed and said the tenth "s" should be "suffocation," as she has felt this in her isolation with so much suffering of her family. The hermit reminded her that Jesus suffocated to death on the cross. This fact made each of us feel much better, and stronger, not that we like it that Jesus suffocated. But we like it that we can know a bit what He endured, and that we should endure likewise.

The hermit went to early Mass, bad Catholic as the hermit felt to be with such darkness of the day before, such horrendous temptations. Going against the advice of the friend to stay clear of the confessor, the hermit not only went to confession, but when at Mass a man asked her to help with the Cup of Precious Blood, the hermit did so.

In confession, the hermit apologized deeply for having loved the Church more than loving God above all else, and admitted the tremendous passion held for over 12 years for Catholicism, and that this passion must be more so for God alone. Then the hermit expressed openly the attack, and the desire to see a psychologist, to which the confessor said a psychologist would not at all be useful for what the hermit is experiencing. The hermit admitted that the point, in the hermit's mind, was to be helped to leave Catholicism and be guilt-free for doing so! But that was under the attack, and the hermit had been freed last night with consolations.

The hermit admitted deep acceptance of having been etherized and sent out into the galaxy, of having no place in the Catholic Church but of having a place with God, and of total helplessness to "pull out" of these states when they come, and that only God can pull out the hermit. Yes, it is a helpless situation, and very frightening. Far easier to have manifestations of the devil outright.

But the confessor said that the hermit DOES have a place in the Church as part of the mystical Body of Christ, and that contemplatives ARE a part of the Church--and here the hermit interjected that Jesus said Mary chose the better part, but that this is not lived out in the Church. The confessor questioned a bit, and the hermit explained that even the Diocese paper is nothing but articles of action, action, and action. The editor had told the hermit that MAYBE there would be a "hole" for an article on contemplation, months down the road, and MAYBE once a month. Does that seem like choosing the better part? And, the hermit expressed that maybe the Church values contemplation and contemplative life in theory, but in practice it seems more about action and activity. Of course, Mass is the counter to action and is contemplation par holy excellence.

The confessor listened with a smile and yet with understanding. He said that the devil attacks the hermit because the hermit is enduring and is steadfast, and loves God very much and is a threat to the devil. The hermit does not see this, but will accept, for it makes sense out of chaos.

The hermit even admitted the thoughts of staying away from the confessor, and that being a good friend's advice, but no, the hermit had decided that the confessor can just lump through this with the hermit. This made the confessor sort of laugh, but he did not say he would not lump through it.

So the hermit is to be steadfast and just keep coming to Mass, receiving the Sacraments, and believing that the hermit has a place in the Catholic Church. And the hermit is to consider the Lord's Prayer, and the part of "lead me not into temptations," to which the hermit admitted having prayed for release from these attacks.

The hermit has returned to the Agnus Dei "cave", somewhere in the galaxy (the spiritual da asked if this meant 'cyberspace' and the hermit said sort of like that) with Santa Rosalia this morning, and there is disorder in the cave that must be organized, put away, and cleaned.

Thanks be to God for pulling out the etherized hermit from the black hole in the galaxy.

The Hermit Has Another Attack

The hermit had another major attack today. It is as well to be realistic and honest, as this is not some superficial gloss of the romanticized hermit life, of idyllic scenes and endearing glimpses of solitude by the crackling fire while painting icons.

This is the life of a hermit who faces horrendous assaults that come quickly, and are currently of the theme of needing to get out of Catholicism. In fact, the whole issue has been of not being able to express these feelings and pressures which build inside, not to anyone.

When the hermit calls the spiritual da, mostly the hermit tries to buck up and seem as if all is o.k. This afternoon the hermit called, and in distress began to weep, and the spiritual da said, "You HAVE TO PULL OUT OF THIS! You have to PULL OUT!" Yes, I know, and yet I am helpless to do so.

The hermit then e-mailed a friend, thinking it was time to see a psychologist. The friend said it would need to be a Catholic one. The hermit had not that in mind at all. The hermit wanted to see a psychologist with the idea that the psychologist, once knowing the background, would help the hermit get out of the Church, post haste.

Then the hermit realized that there is no one to speak with about this matter. The Protestants cannot be privy to the despair and the sense of deep rejection, although one friend suspects. The family cannot know, for it is frustrating then, when the hermit remains in the Church, and is too much for them to bear the pain and the torments. The Catholics cannot know, for they cannot know the hermit's mystical life. The spiritual da cannot know the full extent of the despair and the thoughts, for it would hurt him deeply and worry him, at his age. The confessor can maybe know, although the Catholic friend thinks (not knowing the mystical stuff) that the hermit should stay clear of him for awhile. And maybe the hermit should, but why? The hermit is dead, and a priest who the hermit has spilled the guts to of the reality of the interior soul, should be able to spill these thoughts out to someone. Yet, there is a growing mistrust issue, and that, too, may be part of the attack.

In the exterior, the hermit has to keep up a good front and not let on that anything is amiss. This lends to the fragile sense of not belonging, of being etherized, of nothingness. In purgatory, would the soul have a sense of existence? For this is no sense of existence, only blackness and death without meaning. Suffocation in continuum, but keeping up the outer appearances like china, cracked, but patched and painted over.

Anyway, the hermit feels all the more as if everything is shoved in and down, with no escape and no one to comprehend or understand. This state builds to a peak, and then the hours creep by, and the cover of darkness nears, and then there will be night time and maybe better sleep, and then morning and Mass and maybe confession, probably confession, and a fearless spilling of more guts, even if not understood and even if the confessor wishes the hermit would go away with these continuing anguishes.

Then, God sends a consolation, and this time a friend from Germany who e-mailed a response to a note of two weeks ago, and offering his apartment in the south of France. The friend is not Catholic, but is not any religion although has a priest uncle. The friend knows nothing of the hermit's on-going upset and even depression, Catholic depression, for that is what it seems. In the deepest of the despair, the thought has begun to loom that only if the hermit could get away from Catholicism and the rejections, the darkness would leave. But the hermit has no idea where to go from there, and there is no where else but the Church. So round and round it goes until God opens an air-hole in a consolation.

Anyway, this is one aspect of this hermit's life, and in being a journal-ist, it is well to share this aspect. It is not the kind of assault or attack that one might expect. One would rather have a magnificent beating by the devil or room caught on fire, or bed shaking across the room. Instead, it is sheer insanity instilled for awhile, and no one to comprehend except maybe a confessor or such as the priest the other evening who said, "It is the devil."

Even that does not help at the time, for the hermit does not think at all it is the devil when in darkness. Instead, it is just another way to keep the hermit etherized and sent out into the galaxy. That is what it seems, then, to the hermit under attack.

One can sort of comprehend, thus, the conundrum of the situation. How long this will last--who knows but God? The periods of light are welcome but not as much as one might imagine, for it seems that with the light, the hermit is used to darkness coming at some point after. Then light, then dark, and maybe the dark will suck the hermit out of the ether into even less than ether. But, we take one hour at a time.

Advice from St. Mary Magdalene d'Pazzi

The hermit would do well to think on this advice from St. Mary Magdalene d'Pazzi, mystic and victim soul, Carmelite nun of the 16th century, Florence, Italy. What is written of the saint's words regarding the ideal of a Carmelite nun, is appropriate for the hermit.

"Dead to themselves in all things and in every way, they ought to live only in God and for God....They will then do nothing, see nothing, hear nothing but God, and will become, so to speak, another God by participation and union. Therefore, if they work, it is not they who work, but it is God Who is working in them. If they speak, it is God Who speaks in them. And so on in all things.

"Have no care but God. Want Him alone with your will; seek His pure glory and honor in your every action, even the least."

St. Mary Magdalene further distinguishes between nuns of active life and nuns of contemplative life, and the hermit falls in the latter category.

"Those who are apostles--for instance, nuns of active life--have many ways of glorifying God and making themselves helpful to their neighbor: They have children to teach, the sick to care for, souls to comfort and to convert. But for the Carmelite all these things are forbideen by her very vocation. She has only the interior means: death to herself, so that God may live and work in her.

"Apostles have their preoccupations and distractions, but also their consolations. They see from time to time the fruit of their labors and they have the satisfaction of movement, of employing for God the talents they have received. But for the Carmelite the contrary is the rule; nothing interrupts her routine, the days follow one another, all alike...and so too the years, for her entire life. She can but gaze unswervingly at the goal to be attained, and repeat with Christ: 'Father, for them do I sanctify myself' (John 17:19)."

And this:

"God asks of us a true death, without which we shall never be able to do anything. But do not think that you can gain this death to self with milk and honey in your mouth, with internal and external sweetness. It is impossible for one truly to die without feeling pain."

The encouragement to such a death, to the highest degree of perfection, the saint speaks thus:

"It is here that we should earnestly desire to arrive, in order to be of help to our neighbor and to give great satisfaction to God and joy to all of paradise. The prayers of these souls are always heard, because of the intimate union they have with God. And just as the Eternal Father denies nothing to His Son, Who is in all things like Himself, so these souls, inasmuch as they have become one with God, obtain all that they ask."

_______________________________

The hermit reads and tries to assimilate this message from St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi. It is not easy. The reality is so painful a death, and the death continues in the sense of being suffocated, of shut down, of buried alive, of not given a chance, of not being utilized in the Church, of being etherized and sent out into the galaxy.

The spiritual da called last evening, and he thought the phrase and the word "ether" to be very good, a very good word, and appropriate. The hermit told him it was a vapor from the upper realms and the root means "to burn, to shine."

He said, "Don't burn out! You are a good Catholic! Don't burn out! Only shine!"

The hermit feels as if burning out, or already burned out. There are brief spurts of shine, but the burned out blackness is particularly intense before and after Masses. This is not good, not good at all. The hermit feels much guilt for this blackened burn-out, and does not feel at all like a good Catholic.

But once back at Agnus Dei, and looking out upon the waters of Lake Immaculata, and soon to begin some editing work unrelated except to the commercial world of people ripped off unjustly, the hermit will manage through another few hours. The burned-out blackness is offered to God for souls, for the Church.

Letter from the Bishop

This hermit has considered the Bishop's letter, the response to two letters sent nearly five and a half months ago, requesting approval by the Church for the hermit's vocation. The hermit also extended an invitation for the Bishop to visit, and this as a means to discuss the hermit life, perhaps, or for him to see the hermitage and have a view of the sincerity and genuine intent of the hermit in donating one's life and love to the Church.

This morning the hermit awoke considering key words in the response of the Bishop. One is "interest", for he wrote that he had read my letters "with interest."

The positive in this is that at least the hermit provides "interest" to others. I suppose the other writings would be even more interesting, such as the hermit's private journals written over two decades and into the third.

Another positive is that the Bishop wrote: I believe at this time you should continue a life of prayer and good readings as you are doing.

This the hermit will obey, of course! The hermit has lived a life of prayer and good readings for years and years, for over two decades and into the third, and only in the past 12 years as a Catholic. This way of life is a pleasure and joy, and it answers other questions as to active role and donations and involvements, without specifying. This is a kind of rule of life: pray and read. The hermit will add writing, for writing is a variation of reading and is the hermit's God-given talent, perhaps a predominant one.

The Bishop also wrote, in response to the invitation to visit: I will be glad to visit with you, but do not have the time now. Perhaps we could visit after Christmas. I will give [my secretary] a date.

This, too, is a positive. It tells the hermit that the visit is not perceived by the Bishop as anything to do with hermit vocation but merely a kindness, an act of charity, by a very busy prelate with no time (and also much exhaustion with his job with people in the world and in the Catholic world of regularity and irregulariy and many problems to be solved). Perhaps, perhaps, and we shall see what Christmas brings beyond the remembrance of the birth of Our Lord, and of the coming of Epiphany, and all other feasts and memorials celebrated by the Church Militant and Triumphant and of the Suffering souls in Purgatory who, as a mystic stated, are released to Heaven in high numbers on Christmas night.

Then, in closing, the Bishop wrote: In the meantime, I promise my prayers.

This is most important of all written in the response. The hermit needs prayers, and the prayers promised by a Bishop are prayers indeed and in need.

This morning the hermit awoke with much pain in body and the heaviness in soul, of the reality of the rejection of my offering of love and life to the Church. But then came a beautiful prayer from a friend, which is to help against temptations.

"Behold the Cross of the Lord,
Begone you evil power.
The Lion of the tribe of Judah,
The Root of David has conquered.
Alleluia!"

Then the hermit pondered the Bishop's letter, and was grateful for a conclusion to the requests mailed several months ago, and of knowing what the answer would be, and of seeing the positives in the answers.

There is now even greater freedom, and the hermit is secularized as a hermit, for the angel did not say the hermit had been chosen for the "Catholic" hermit life but that God had chosen the hermit for the "hermit life." But the hermit is a Christian and is a Catholic at that, but simply a hermit.

The hermit is praying much for the Bishop, for it is awful to not have time. The hermit has time galore--as much time as ether has, which is a gas created by God, in the upper realms, to shine and burn.

The hermit was just asked to stand at a pro-life box for donated baby clothing to make sure items are not stolen, at a Mass, and is thankful to do so, as ether can hover by a box, holding a book being read, and pray.

A Couple More Rules of Life: Mary and Bl. Charles de Foucald

In reading, two more rules of life have appeared. One is of Mary in her life at Nazareth, upon the Holy Family's return from Egypt, and as cited in Raphael Brown's book (TAN) The Life of Mary as Seen by the Mystics.

"After they had settled in their home, Mary, who always observed perfect order in all her arrangements and habits, set up a rule of life for herself, so that she could she could again spend much time in prayer" (p. 149).

Bl. Charles de Foucald, in the rather scarce Meditations of a Hermit, wrote in notebooks found in his hermitage after his assassination. "Notes on the Spiritual LIfe" include an entry for Pentecost, June 6, 1897, in which Bl. Charles had asked Jesus what displeases Him most about Charles. Jesus responded, in part:

"In all you do, see only Me. In all you do, ask always, 'What would my Master do?' and do it yourself. Thus you will love only Me, thus I will live in you. You will lose yourself in Me and live in Me, you will have lost yourself, and My Kingdom will be begun in you.

"Your vocation. It is to preach the Gospel in silence as I did in my hidden life, and like Mary and Joseph.

"Your rule. To follow Me, to do what I should do. To ask yourself always 'What would Our Lord do?' and to do it. This is your only rule, but it is absolutely your rule. [emphasis added]

"Your spirit. Love of God and forgetfulness of self in joyful contemplation of My glory; compassion and grief for My sufferings; joy in My joy, grief for sins commited against Me, and a burning desire to see Me glorified by every soul. Love of your brother for My sake who love all men as a father loves His children. To wish for My sake for the spiritual and material good of all men. Freedom, liberty of speech, tranquility, peace. All for God's sake, nothing for your own sake or any other creature's.

"Your prayer. First Method. (1) What have you to say to me, my God? (2) This is what I have to say to you. (3) Keep silence with your eyes fixed on the Beloved. Second Method. Quis, quid, ubi, quibus auxilius, cur, quomodo, quando.
At Mass. Divide it into three parts:
1. As far as the consecration, offer Me to my Father and recommend your intentions to Him. Than Me for My cross and ask pardon for making it necessary.
2. From the consecration to the communion, adore Me upon the altar.
3. After communion, adore Me within you, thank Me, love Me, rejoice, be silent.

"Your thought of death. Think that you may die a martyr, despoiled of everything, stretched on the ground, covered with blood and wounds, violently and painfully killed. Wish this to happen to-day. If I am to give you this infinite grace, be faithful in watching and in carrying the Cross. Consider that such a death should be the object of your whole life; see in it how little other things matter. Think often of this death so as to be ready for it and to judge things at their true value in the light of it."

[Nineteen years later on December 1, 1916, Charles de Foucald was assassinated by the Senoussi at Tamanrasset, in the Sahara.]

This hermit here at Agnus Dei, rejected in my love and offering to the Church, must read this over during Mass and live it with Bl. Charles's help, and to create order in surroundings and habit so as to pray more, as the Blessed Mother did in her rule of life at Nazareth.

My place is through Him, with Him and in Him.

Etherized and Sent Out Into the Galaxy

This was the phrasology from yet a different confessor, who knows the hermit's situation.

Yes, it is true. The hermit has been etherized by the "Diocese" and sent out into the galaxy.

My spiritual da put it differently: that while I do not have a place in the Catholic Church, I have a place with God.

Yesterday I was running late, getting things together for a distance drive to a friend's daughter's wedding but wanting to get to noon Mass prior to leaving the city for another city. I nearly stopped to take the mail from the box, but did not.

Upon returning to Agnus Dei today, I got the mail. The Bishop's long-awaited letter had arrived after five and a half months. The delay is understandable, as he wrote that he had been busy with jubilee matters and his sister's recent passing. But as to my request for approval as a hermit, the only comment made was what the hermit previously had heard: continue to live your life of prayer and good readings. He is too busy to visit with me now but perhaps after Christmas.

My suggestion of a visit was in case he would like to discuss hermit life, or ask me questions. Or to see Agnus Dei--but it is not now necessary. He does not have the time now, although he kindly said he would be glad to visit with me. I would not be glad to take his time, for he is tired and busy about many things.

Thankfully, the hermit is not--other than being tired from the driving to the friend's daughter's wedding. It was lovely. Not a Catholic wedding, but very genuine, heartfelt, prayerful, reverent and held in what used to be a Methodist Church, and very old. The hermit appreciated the nostalgic and reverential link with the hermit's church of childhood and upbringing, of fond memories and deep spiritual roots.

I am assimilating all these matters. Driving "home", and even during the night as I spent it with the friend whose only daughter was wed and on her honeymoon, and my friend's ex-husband with his new wife and all his family--yes, I had to admit that deep in my heart, something very precious had died. It had nothing to do with the wedding per se, although in a sense with the death of a great and deep love.

Something inside me has died, something profound and precious. It has to do with my offering my very life to the Church, and having my love and life spurned, rejected.

My spiritual da, prior to the conclusion of the hermit request, had told me that this is my crucifixion. Well, now, what is this but the sword pierced in the side, the finale of the crucifixion?

My passion is spent. I'm not sure where the hermit goes from here, other than to stay in, to stay in and pray and read. And write. I have a place with God, after all.

The confessor who stated that I have been etherized and sent out into the galaxy, also said that I must love the Church. I think that this is the rejection from the Church that has caused the death deep inside. God will show me his place, and He will lead me out, will blow His ethereal spirit into my etherized soul.

Ether has its root in "upper air" and "burn, shine". My late father came early one morning last week and spoke at length. He came from ether. My conscious cannot place the words he spoke but know he spoke, and the substance is what my conscious cannot deal with, or I'd remember. But I was thankful to see him and hear what he said, and I listened. My sense is that it has something to do with my many and recent requests, asked of the Virgin Mary, my father and my mother. We shall see.

The Hermit Offends and Sees Self in Mirror of Pride

The hermit offended someone by basically criticizing the use of terminology used to describe the laity which seemed not positive or perhaps a bit demeaning. The hermit in doing so was also burning a bridge, a bridge the hermit must not cross again and needed to make sure the temptation was eliminated.

The offended party reacted more than what the criticism warranted. But taking offense is a matter of pride.

And, the hermit sees self in the mirror of pride, for having given offense to the person was a matter of pride, too. The hermit was reacting, as well.

Pride is a nasty business, and most hurts and woundedness find their root in pride. Detachment from one's own will, one's own view of "self", assists in the suppression of pride. Categorizing people places oneself above, and that is pride. Criticizing those who do so, as a means of pointing out another person's fault, can place the critic in a position of being above, of being the overseer of others' faults--and this mirrors pride, as well.

The hermit thinks the situation is resolved and admitted to the spiritual father that there was some orneriness involved. And he said it is understandable to be somewhat wounded and to react, and he laughed at the terminology used by the other to describe the laity, and then the explanation given. But all in all, the person will perhaps not categorize, as we really should not do this. It is not easy, though. The world consists in categories; the Church has them, too, even in the categories of "saints" and "sinners", of laity, clerics, religious, married, single, affluent, poor, marginalized, and on into categories such as common folk, educated, uneducated, controversial, submissive, weird, different, and so forth. It is a way of labeling, and we should strive to look upon others as "souls".


To not take offense is a virtue. It falls under the virtue of humility, and within that, meekness. This private revelation from the Virgin Mary to St. Bridget of Sweden expresses how the Blessed Mother lived her life after the Ascension of her Son, and it particularly bodes well in the last lines for those who need help in learning to not be overly concerned with others' opinions--that is, if one is living a life focused on Christ and striving in the virtues. If criticism is given that ought be considered and with changes needed, then one should care about what others think. But, in general, once a soul centers on Christ, and in so doing steps outside the labels and categories, the example of the Virgin Mary stands as a model in how to react by not reacting.

"After the Ascension of my Son, I still lived a long time in the world. Such was the will of God, in order that seeing my patience and my conduct, many more souls might be converted to Him, and in order that the Apostles and other elect souls of God might be strengthened. Also the natural constitution of my being required that I should live longer and that thereby my crown might be increased.

"During the time that I lived after my Son's Ascension, I visited the places where He had suffered and where He had performed His miracles. Thus the memory of His Passion became so imprinted on my heart that it ever remained quite fresh in my mind, whether I happened to be eating or working.

"My senses were so completely withdrawn from worldly things that I constantly alternated between new supernatural yearnings and sorrows. Yet I controlled my grief and my joy in such a way that I did not neglect any of my duties toward God. My way of life among people was such that apart from my scanty meals I paid no attention to what human beings thought of me or expected me to do." [highlight added].

From Mary as Seen by the Mystics, comp. by Raphael Brown (TAN), p. 244.

The hermit plans to keep this way of Mary's way of being quite close to mind and heart. It is worthy of imitation. Pride has no place in her way of life among people. Her senses were so completely withdrawn from worldly things.... She did not perceive others in categories, for she perceived God in all and all in God.

The Hermit Receives a Special Photograph

Today in the Agnus Dei mailbox the hermit discovered a large envelope marked with the Diocese seal!

Inside was the photograph of the Bishop and the hermit taken at the Marriage Anniversary Mass.

No, the hermit is not married to a mortal but is espoused to Christ.

Perhaps this has been shared already, of how the hermit crashed the reception following the Mass at which the hermit was Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. That was the day in which the hugely distressing and confronting phone call came shortly before leaving for the Mass. After the Mass, when the Bishop announced the reception and mentioned "champagne", the hermit felt inspired to go, mortally unwed or no.

After two glasses of champagne and connecting with a couple celebrating 25 years, the hermit yearned (again but in a different way) to have a photo taken with the Bishop, as the couples lined up, prepping their mugs.

The couple took pity on my plight and said I could be photographed with them. But when their turn came, the Bishop did not seem to comprehend the bubbly moment. I declined to join the couple. But the man whispered my desire to the Bishop.

After the photographer snapped the shot, the Bishop looked over at me with a jolt of renewed tolerance, and said, "All right, ****, come on over here and have your picture taken with me."

Only the Most Holy Trinity, the Blessed Mother and all the angels and saints would know what reserve of decorum was granted the Bishop in that moment to endure me, a singleton oddball, dressed in lovely black with black lace, for the occasion.

Yes, I think I wrote previously how the photographer, discerning me without a (visible) spouse, asked my phone number, which was not granted, not granted like the Bishop granted the hermit a photo-opp.

So the photo arrived today, and with it a little note printed "Compliments of Bishop *****".

The hermit stood it on top of the coffin-sum-comfort chest and orchid display, which alters as a kind of altar. In analyzing the photo, the hermit sees a shadow behind the Bishop's head, and is reminded that Jesus would certainly be there with the hermit and the Bishop, of course. The shadow is but a reminder of His Presence.

Then, as both the Bishop and the hermit wore black, also noticed for the first time is the juxtaposition of the hermit's large crucifix and the Bishop's pectoral cross--both beside each other over our hearts, our heights the same, and yet another reminder of the Two Hearts of Jesus and Mary.

Yes, it is a lovely photo, and a treasured keepsake and momento, and perhaps one to request be blessed. But probably not to ask the Bishop to do that, no. The photo is very likely the first and last photo of the hermit with the Bishop.

"Bestowal" Bestowed on Bass

Not often, but enough to recognize the import, a word is given to the hermit, a word from God.

For some time now, the hermit has been plagued with the sense that the hermit does not have a place in the Church, not a place as a hermit or otherwise. In fact, the word "place" keeps coming up, and even once the hermit said it to the Bishop: I have no place, no place.

He asked, "What do you mean, no place?"

The hermit did not explain. It seemed useless, for attempts to explain it to the confessor weren't cogent, evidently. The confessor said the hermit has a place with the laity. (But later he comprehended that this was not so, not at all for various and good reasons.)

Once more, one recent morning, the hermit had tried again to explain that a place was necessary, that the hermit needed to eventually be canonically approved. That met with the response that the hermit has consecrated privately and had vows received by a priest. True enough, but there was something more needed; the hermit felt it deep within as has been felt for some time. Not to be noticed, not for acclaim, not for recognition--but to have a PLACE.

Soon after that conversation, the hermit drove toward Agnus Dei, and at a certain spot now sign-posted in the hermit's mind, the word "bestowal" soundlessly verbalized into the overcast morn.

The hermit had been thinking: If a person can privately consecrate and avow, then what difference in that and being a secular hermit? But, to have the vows received by a Catholic priest must make the difference. And that is when "bestowal" was bestowed into the hermit's interior view and interior hearing.

It was a significant moment. Yes, bestowal somehow held the key. Bestow, bestowed, bestowal.

Later, the hermit did a little word research. Jesus has the hermit do this; it is like a fun little game, and the hermit delights in the clues and in unraveling the mystery using a favorite dictionary and now on-line research.

be-stow': 1. To use; to apply. 2.a. To set or place. b.To deposit; to stow. 3. To give or confer in marriage. 4. To give; confer; impart;--often with "on" or "upon." The Middle English bistowen is defined with "use for, devote to." The root of be + stowen means "to place", from the Old English stow, or PLACE [emphasis added].

The hermit wrote this out, ecstatically, for the confessor. It seemed to be the missing link. PLACE, PLACE, PLACE! To have a place in the Church, as a hermit, would entail not just the one-sided offering of consecration and vows, albeit "received" by a priest, but to have the other-sided return, the giving back, the conferral, the BESTOWAL. Bestowal is thus necessary! It is necessary in a valid marriage in the Church; it ought be necessary for a valid hermit in the Church.

The confessor didn't see it; skepticism marked the reaction, or at least no sharing in the enthusiasm. (Who could blame him? Someone's got to keep his head when the hermit has come upon a rapturous insight.) "It is not a liturgical word" was the response.

"It is Scriptural--it is in the Bible!" the hermit piped like some crack-beaked parakeet.

"But it is not liturgical." And that was that. For now.

The hermit's joy was not depleted, for what can death do to a seed crushed and fallen to the ground, already dead?

In times past, when a word was given to the hermit (then not a hermit), if another in the equation did not comprehend or played devil's advocate, it seems that God sooner or later provided a proof, and sometimes that proof was a bit shocking and incredible. Yes, incredible. That is another good word.

If Jesus wants the hermit to have canonical approval bestowed, to have the hermit be used for, devoted to, or PLACED, it will happen by and by, either on earth or in heaven.

The Aramaic for bestow is the same as for n'than, or Nathan. The hermit next plans to delve into Nathan in the Bible. It is an essential clue needing investigation.

Another possibility, of course, is that the hermit is not to be a Catholic hermit, or a liturgical hermit, but rather a secular hermit who happens to be a Catholic. But the hermit would rather not ponder that until the bestowal research is complete.

The Hermit Burns Bridges

Typically, it is imprudent to burn bridges. One can be arrested for arson.

In the prudence department, it usually means that one is not going to be going back into a situation, and the innuendo in the admonition, "Don't burn your bridges", is that one might want to go back.

Sometimes, though, it is best to burn the bridges. Burning a bridge (or more) keeps one from going back into a situation that it might be best NOT to go back. Or, it also has the advantage of preventing others from going over that bridge (or more), for from one person's experience, another can benefit.

In the Gospel, Jesus admonishes the man who was asked to follow Him. The man asked to go back to bury his father. Who knows if the father was already dead or near death, or that the man wanted to go and wait around until his father died. The man wanted to go back over a bridge, and Jesus didn't want him to do that. He wanted the man to obey, to leave what was either dead or would die, and to come alive in following Him. The man became dead himself in going back to bury the dead.

The hermit has recently learned an invaluable lesson about bridges. The hermit for several years has tried to cross bridges, time and again, which turned out to be draw bridges. Once at the middle, the bridge would be drawn up, and the hermit was tossed back, down, down, down.

Finally, the hermit realized that God had other ideas, other bridges to cross. It seemed inconceivable, for what bridges are better than that of a Diocese or the Church?

Go ask St. Paul. He was sent out to the Gentiles.

This hermit has been sent over the bridge into the secular world and not to try again to cross over the Diocese bridge, in any Diocese. It has been a revolutionary experience. Once the shock was over, in traversing a bridge proffered, without having it buckle up under foot and toss the hermit back down into the troll-hole, the hermit experiences a kind of freedom and joy and happiness that have been missing for years.

In the process of being able to breathe again (deep gushes of fresh air into the soul), the emotions cleanse the mind as oxygen to the lungs to the heart-blood. The hermit is replenished, just like that!

The hermit has burned some bridges as a result. In one case, it was a bridge to any work or function in the Diocese. No need to go back over that. In another case, it may well mean not crossing the bridge to canonical approval.

The hermit is an uncommon hermit. The hermit breaks the mindset of what those in the environs of these bridges and countryside envision a hermit to look like, to act, to think, to be.

God only knows, God and what tidbits He feeds to the hermit. This is part of becoming a complete hermit, more complete than being canonically approved or noncanonically consecrated, privately or publicly avowed, privately or publicly consecrated.

Completion has to do with the state of the soul, wherein dwells the intellect and will and all matters ordained and formed by God, in union with God, in cohesion, in completion, with, through and in Christo.