Today, on a Wednesday, in 1430, Jeanne D'Arc was cruelly burned at the stake.
I have been reading a collection of her words, from her very mouth, written down, from that period of time prior to her death.
Today I may have burned myself. I opened up to the confessor about some aspects, and I know that I must not share of my interior life with others. It has cost me much trouble; however, I cannot seem to be stilled with the ups and downs of the physical pain and the unexpecteds of spiritual experiences.
I wrote a letter, one-page. I describe more and suggest that perhaps someone like me should not be considered for consecrated eremitic status.
O Lord, who but You could understand how it is inside of someone like me? I do feel much relieved, after confession, and I'm not sure if the letter helped in the relief, but it is done and we shall see. The pain gets to me in ways I cannot describe, making me seem erratic, and this also due to what I experience--of which I am not to share at all, for who could comprehend? And, otherwise, it is not only misunderstood but judged, not only then envied by some but also resented by others.
Yet I have such a difficult time pushing it all down, for some of it is much to deal with, and requires dealing. So, Lord, I beg You to make a decision, and it will be through the Vicar General who advises the Bishop. I will feel much assured if the decision is approval after what I said and wrote. But I think it needs to be known.
Also, Lord, I cannot express these things to anyone, and I need Your help in stoving it all. Then, I beg to be more self-mastered when things happen. And I do not understand what happens after the devil attacks, or how it is that so much pressure can build, to the point that I am helpless to master the feelings and thoughts, and am tossed this way and that.
Now, I must go to bed. It is quite early, but I am worn and wrung, but much better, thank You. I will conclude the words of Jehanne, the young woman who trusted God and her voices, and did His will no matter what, no matter the stake, no matter death. May she continue to give me chevrons for courage and an amulet to ward off the devil. I thank her, through You, Lord, for it is You who sends the help, unexpectedly, and gives me memory to not forget. I am so grateful, although I cannot tell about this except to the confessor, for he may as well know. There is a part of me that wants it all over, to be burned at the stake in this matter.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Truth and Relationships
Am learning much about pride and how that is the sole reason why people take offense at any small truths. Those who see small truths must then not take offense at those who take offense. It then goes on and on, and this is why there is not peace and goodwill among men. And why so many distract themselves, and why it is so difficult for those who are trying not to distract themselves, for being open to even the smallest of truths is painful until one gets used to seeing ourselves as we are.
It is hard for me to overcome the insecurities when the distractions are stripped. Am reading a book by a current author on Hildegard of Bingen, and she gives opinions in her writings which come from her bias and anger, when Hildegard and some women do choose to love Christ, to attempt an ideal of the holy.
Is true friendship based upon truth or is that impossible due to pride in friends, one or both or several? The problem with truth is that opinions may fog truth. Or, the recipient does not like the rawness and is not used to sharing the truth with others who see it.
The pain I am feeling is that of people who seem to withdraw when I speak truth. But is what I speak truth or like the author, perhaps, opinions? My adult children do not like me to see truth in their lives. I suppose it is painful for them, and the sense of mother overrides simple friendship. Jesus spoke the truth to the young man who asked what it would take to enter the kingdom of Heaven. The young man walked away after hearing the truth.
What is to be my reaction when people I have come to love and trust in friendship, pull back in offense if, for example, I mention something of truth in their lives, such as responding to their upset over a self-centered spouse or when they sense that I see their favoring of one child, or possessiveness. I do not intend to comment. But perhaps I am dispensible as a friend because I have no authority to speak of anything. And, should I be available when the people, if they do, get over their being offended? Or should I guard my heart?
Look what happened to St. Joan of Arc. This is the month of her burn. She spoke truth; people took offense, especially people in power. She learned the truth: trust only in God, not in mankind.
It is hard for me to overcome the insecurities when the distractions are stripped. Am reading a book by a current author on Hildegard of Bingen, and she gives opinions in her writings which come from her bias and anger, when Hildegard and some women do choose to love Christ, to attempt an ideal of the holy.
Is true friendship based upon truth or is that impossible due to pride in friends, one or both or several? The problem with truth is that opinions may fog truth. Or, the recipient does not like the rawness and is not used to sharing the truth with others who see it.
The pain I am feeling is that of people who seem to withdraw when I speak truth. But is what I speak truth or like the author, perhaps, opinions? My adult children do not like me to see truth in their lives. I suppose it is painful for them, and the sense of mother overrides simple friendship. Jesus spoke the truth to the young man who asked what it would take to enter the kingdom of Heaven. The young man walked away after hearing the truth.
What is to be my reaction when people I have come to love and trust in friendship, pull back in offense if, for example, I mention something of truth in their lives, such as responding to their upset over a self-centered spouse or when they sense that I see their favoring of one child, or possessiveness. I do not intend to comment. But perhaps I am dispensible as a friend because I have no authority to speak of anything. And, should I be available when the people, if they do, get over their being offended? Or should I guard my heart?
Look what happened to St. Joan of Arc. This is the month of her burn. She spoke truth; people took offense, especially people in power. She learned the truth: trust only in God, not in mankind.
Fog, Hildegard, and Frozen Embryos
Thick fog hovers Agnus Dei and Lake Immaculata.
Clearing moment by moment, evaporating like thoughts.
Bullfrogs moan in night darkness; dawn silences as birds awaken.
I ponder relationships and pride that hovers thick.
1. The younger woman whose sense of entitlement snagged the towel from the elderly woman drying chalices in the Sacristy despite the elder's entitlement to her just work.
2. The obese young father wearing tee shirt with obscenities, his little boy and girl watching him as slaves eyes' ever-cautious upon the hand of the master; they leave after receiving Christ, here and gone.
At least these people put in their presence from self-importance or from minimalist duty. They come before the altar of God, whether they realize it or not. We sinners come. Many do not.
I consider the young British couple whose lovely daughter is abducted. Horrors of evil. Then I wonder if they realize their other babies--conceived by invitro fertilization and abducted, disposed or frozen? This fact does not hinder prayers for their four-year-old, lost. But I wonder if they miss their other babies? Do they look for them? Does the whole world pray for these lost babies?
The book on Hildegard of Bingen, written by a current author, proves my rule that I must read only books by the dead proven and true. This woman opines in anger against that which she is not: Catholic. The book depresses; I am sickened by the jibes, the insinuations and affronts that saintly women who chose God alone and above all else were forced to this as a result of the Church's ill-treatment of them.
I wonder about my relationships with others, and the sense of isolation. At times it seems I peer out at the world, at others, at their very souls, from within an encasement: a shell thin but strong, with two orb-holes from which to peer and a soul centered heart from which to sense.
And, why am I embracing this life of silence, solitude, slowness--a veritable mauseleum of its own, my life at odds with much of the lives about me? Is it my choosing? Is it God's taking that life from me through circumstances, or is it He giving it to me through grace?
Perhaps the very absence of relationships and the presence of the peering into lives, pricking at pride and sensing the sorrows of the world, the lost--the damned--is what gives me a living death but eternal work in prayer for souls.
I pray for the author of the current book on Hildegard. I pray to Hildegard for help in this existence, and wait for what might be today and next. Maybe the guts will be strong to finish the book, to anguish some for the author's bias against Holy Mother Church and that which Hildegard gloriously loved and lived in her own living death.
For now the fog has cleared. I prepare for Mass and brace for souls, the poor in spirit, the proud, and bring my sinful self before the altar of God Almighty.
Clearing moment by moment, evaporating like thoughts.
Bullfrogs moan in night darkness; dawn silences as birds awaken.
I ponder relationships and pride that hovers thick.
1. The younger woman whose sense of entitlement snagged the towel from the elderly woman drying chalices in the Sacristy despite the elder's entitlement to her just work.
2. The obese young father wearing tee shirt with obscenities, his little boy and girl watching him as slaves eyes' ever-cautious upon the hand of the master; they leave after receiving Christ, here and gone.
At least these people put in their presence from self-importance or from minimalist duty. They come before the altar of God, whether they realize it or not. We sinners come. Many do not.
I consider the young British couple whose lovely daughter is abducted. Horrors of evil. Then I wonder if they realize their other babies--conceived by invitro fertilization and abducted, disposed or frozen? This fact does not hinder prayers for their four-year-old, lost. But I wonder if they miss their other babies? Do they look for them? Does the whole world pray for these lost babies?
The book on Hildegard of Bingen, written by a current author, proves my rule that I must read only books by the dead proven and true. This woman opines in anger against that which she is not: Catholic. The book depresses; I am sickened by the jibes, the insinuations and affronts that saintly women who chose God alone and above all else were forced to this as a result of the Church's ill-treatment of them.
I wonder about my relationships with others, and the sense of isolation. At times it seems I peer out at the world, at others, at their very souls, from within an encasement: a shell thin but strong, with two orb-holes from which to peer and a soul centered heart from which to sense.
And, why am I embracing this life of silence, solitude, slowness--a veritable mauseleum of its own, my life at odds with much of the lives about me? Is it my choosing? Is it God's taking that life from me through circumstances, or is it He giving it to me through grace?
Perhaps the very absence of relationships and the presence of the peering into lives, pricking at pride and sensing the sorrows of the world, the lost--the damned--is what gives me a living death but eternal work in prayer for souls.
I pray for the author of the current book on Hildegard. I pray to Hildegard for help in this existence, and wait for what might be today and next. Maybe the guts will be strong to finish the book, to anguish some for the author's bias against Holy Mother Church and that which Hildegard gloriously loved and lived in her own living death.
For now the fog has cleared. I prepare for Mass and brace for souls, the poor in spirit, the proud, and bring my sinful self before the altar of God Almighty.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Guests
Guests are coming to Agnus Dei Hermitage. A couple who has expressed desire to see the place are coming after the 5 p.m. Mass, the Vigil of Pentecost.
Today I wrote, prayed in the mind, went to noon Mass, spoke to cousin who called on phone, and have been trying to tidy the library.
Since I gave away most if not all serving dishes, I am wondering what to put the black beans in to serve to the guests. We are having rice artichoke salad, potato salad with lots of celery, and black beans with cilantro and cheddar cheese--and maybe some tomatoes added. I am using whatever is here, for the parking lot at the grocery disinclined my thought to go in.
Why do I balk at praying the Morning Office? Today is the Feast of St. Philip Neri. Thankfully, I did pray the morning office after noon Mass. I wrote of St. Romuald's Rule to the spiritual da, and it helped focus to persevere in reading and praying.
Now, back to more tidying, and setting the table, and figuring out what to put which salad in--maybe having to put the rice and potato salad side-by-side in a large bowl. Now I'm thankful that I purchased the pottery ware. God provides for a lovely setting for guests, few they be, but guests. So unused to cooking and readying for guests.
May God be praised and glorified. The priest reminded us all at noon Mass to focus on the Lord Jesus Christ and not to admire people we think are holy. Ah yes, just the other day I had admired this priest immensely for his holiness, meekness, steadfastness, and abilities. But he is a mere sprinkle of light from Christ.
I am trying to pray much more for those with problems and with whom I've had negativity. I am practicing viewing myself as nothing, as far less than anyone; and everyone is far superior to the likes of me. It is true; and it is a start, at least, to try to learn some meekness, ala St. Alphonsus Rodriguez.
Now, back to tidying and readying for the two guests for supper, as I so want to arrive at Mass early to pray and to read a bit more of Hildegard de Bingen's life.
Today I wrote, prayed in the mind, went to noon Mass, spoke to cousin who called on phone, and have been trying to tidy the library.
Since I gave away most if not all serving dishes, I am wondering what to put the black beans in to serve to the guests. We are having rice artichoke salad, potato salad with lots of celery, and black beans with cilantro and cheddar cheese--and maybe some tomatoes added. I am using whatever is here, for the parking lot at the grocery disinclined my thought to go in.
Why do I balk at praying the Morning Office? Today is the Feast of St. Philip Neri. Thankfully, I did pray the morning office after noon Mass. I wrote of St. Romuald's Rule to the spiritual da, and it helped focus to persevere in reading and praying.
Now, back to more tidying, and setting the table, and figuring out what to put which salad in--maybe having to put the rice and potato salad side-by-side in a large bowl. Now I'm thankful that I purchased the pottery ware. God provides for a lovely setting for guests, few they be, but guests. So unused to cooking and readying for guests.
May God be praised and glorified. The priest reminded us all at noon Mass to focus on the Lord Jesus Christ and not to admire people we think are holy. Ah yes, just the other day I had admired this priest immensely for his holiness, meekness, steadfastness, and abilities. But he is a mere sprinkle of light from Christ.
I am trying to pray much more for those with problems and with whom I've had negativity. I am practicing viewing myself as nothing, as far less than anyone; and everyone is far superior to the likes of me. It is true; and it is a start, at least, to try to learn some meekness, ala St. Alphonsus Rodriguez.
Now, back to tidying and readying for the two guests for supper, as I so want to arrive at Mass early to pray and to read a bit more of Hildegard de Bingen's life.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Some Anxiety
Today I wandered about in mind and body. Mass twice, thankfully. Went to used bookstore and parted with several paperbacks by St. Alphonsus Liguori--difficult but wasn't getting them read, so someone else can have the opportunity. Kept back a hardbound and two paperbacks in case I get to them. If not, the paperbacks will be traded in.
Yes, it is time to focus on the three mystic doctors: John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila and Francis de Sales. Also must zero in on books on prayer, the interior life, asceticism, hermit and monastic life, mystics and saints and victim souls, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and Scripture study.
A sense of not being able to breathe welled up and persisted. My daughter suggested I am beginning to have anxiety attacks. Hmm. When she said this, it made sense. I feel as if the air is being sucked out of me to the point that it seems I am going to suffocate or not breathe.
Now why would I feel like this?
Because the seriousness of being considered for the life as a consecrated eremitic, by my Bishop and the Vicar General, reminds me of my conversion to Catholicism twelve years ago. It means a major life commitment for the rest of my days on earth and probably into eternity; I will be even more hidden and unable to express the soul to others, as I was not able to (without persecution and rejection) when converting years ago, but this time even many Catholics will not comprehend; I will be subject to the judgment of others if they would know, and more subject to my own self-knowledge of how poorly I live the life. Mostly, I realize that in the past, for any commitment and action, the success or failure included others, circumstances and self. I failed often and in most major life endeavors. However, in the eremitical life, the players--if you will--are the Trinity and self.
God is perfect and All; He is ever successful. If I do not succeed in this life, to all God desires and wills, and to what the Bishop and his designe would expect, to what the Church Herself expects of a consecrated religious eremitic--then the fault lies only with myself.
One of the books I got with the trade-ins and adding some cash to them, is a life of Hildegard de Bingen. I prayed before the Blessed Sacrament today that she would help me remain calm and focused, and also that St. Padre Pio whose birthday is today, would help me with the discipline necessary to follow through on what I must be for God and the Church, daily and nightly. This must be the course regardless any decisions, and those decisions may not come for some time.
I must breathe and not be anxious, O my soul, O my Lord.
Yes, it is time to focus on the three mystic doctors: John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila and Francis de Sales. Also must zero in on books on prayer, the interior life, asceticism, hermit and monastic life, mystics and saints and victim souls, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and Scripture study.
A sense of not being able to breathe welled up and persisted. My daughter suggested I am beginning to have anxiety attacks. Hmm. When she said this, it made sense. I feel as if the air is being sucked out of me to the point that it seems I am going to suffocate or not breathe.
Now why would I feel like this?
Because the seriousness of being considered for the life as a consecrated eremitic, by my Bishop and the Vicar General, reminds me of my conversion to Catholicism twelve years ago. It means a major life commitment for the rest of my days on earth and probably into eternity; I will be even more hidden and unable to express the soul to others, as I was not able to (without persecution and rejection) when converting years ago, but this time even many Catholics will not comprehend; I will be subject to the judgment of others if they would know, and more subject to my own self-knowledge of how poorly I live the life. Mostly, I realize that in the past, for any commitment and action, the success or failure included others, circumstances and self. I failed often and in most major life endeavors. However, in the eremitical life, the players--if you will--are the Trinity and self.
God is perfect and All; He is ever successful. If I do not succeed in this life, to all God desires and wills, and to what the Bishop and his designe would expect, to what the Church Herself expects of a consecrated religious eremitic--then the fault lies only with myself.
One of the books I got with the trade-ins and adding some cash to them, is a life of Hildegard de Bingen. I prayed before the Blessed Sacrament today that she would help me remain calm and focused, and also that St. Padre Pio whose birthday is today, would help me with the discipline necessary to follow through on what I must be for God and the Church, daily and nightly. This must be the course regardless any decisions, and those decisions may not come for some time.
I must breathe and not be anxious, O my soul, O my Lord.
Dawdling on St. Pio's Birthday
Dawdling around here, with distractions. Tired, pained, and feeling the sorrows of the world but no doubt with way too much self involved.
I am to focus on Jesus, and is this a time in which He would look upon Jersusalem and weep?
The Red Cross wants my blood, and I feel tired and lazy to drive out there to donate. For shame! It is St. Pio's birthday annivesary, and he suffered unto blood. Yet I stay here and ponder.
The aspiring hermit has been to Mass, spoke to some friends prior, then made two errands. Must locate another bid or two for a deck, cancelled hiring someone to put in decorative fence since the one carpenter duo are resistant due to the neighbors' issues with the aspiring hermit.
Trouble like that drains me more than having blood let.
More books. I purchased more hardbounds on-line. Found some, also, at H. B. Now must take in some to gain credit, as I spend too much money. In the wee hours I e-mailed a friend with whom I can share my pathetic struggles in this life, and noted that I go spending as a means of distraction and for social contact. Also, and perhaps more so, I browse books and other type distractions as a means to try to forget about the constant physical pain. It is all representative of what it means to try to be STILL.
When lying in bed in stillness, the mind is not still. Then, the body feels the pain and is not still: tosses and turns, gets up, looks out the window, walks a bit from room to room. The mind pleads with God, Mary, Jesus, Holy Spirit, saints and thinks about people needing prayer, asking for prayer, and the mind tries to pray. The mind thinks of the past, of earlier years with no pain and with life seeming fresh and full of opportunities. But the memories stop because the mind tells it to stop. Such memories are counter-productive.
If I have been a failure at all else connected with the world, and in most ways I have failed in the world, will I be a success at the hermit life?
The hermit life requires but two: God and self.
God is perfect and successful and All; self would be the only problem if there is failure.
Today it seems I have no steam but always the thoughts. I tell myself without speaking that I would feel a sense of accomplishment if I "did" something, such as organized a closet. I can say I got some groceries and made a contact for another deck bid. I drove to Mass and was there, participating with Fr. Benedict of Uganda and all the rest who probably struggled to understand, and hopefully who felt great compassion for a priest being sold off for a couple of years to do missionary work in our country. We lack generosity in vocations here.
But is it doing that is so necessary? Some manual labor, yes, but the problem I face in stillness is just being still and learning that it is all right to be still and not do. Stillness can be offered to God as prayer and penance as much as doing.
I am to focus on Jesus, and is this a time in which He would look upon Jersusalem and weep?
The Red Cross wants my blood, and I feel tired and lazy to drive out there to donate. For shame! It is St. Pio's birthday annivesary, and he suffered unto blood. Yet I stay here and ponder.
The aspiring hermit has been to Mass, spoke to some friends prior, then made two errands. Must locate another bid or two for a deck, cancelled hiring someone to put in decorative fence since the one carpenter duo are resistant due to the neighbors' issues with the aspiring hermit.
Trouble like that drains me more than having blood let.
More books. I purchased more hardbounds on-line. Found some, also, at H. B. Now must take in some to gain credit, as I spend too much money. In the wee hours I e-mailed a friend with whom I can share my pathetic struggles in this life, and noted that I go spending as a means of distraction and for social contact. Also, and perhaps more so, I browse books and other type distractions as a means to try to forget about the constant physical pain. It is all representative of what it means to try to be STILL.
When lying in bed in stillness, the mind is not still. Then, the body feels the pain and is not still: tosses and turns, gets up, looks out the window, walks a bit from room to room. The mind pleads with God, Mary, Jesus, Holy Spirit, saints and thinks about people needing prayer, asking for prayer, and the mind tries to pray. The mind thinks of the past, of earlier years with no pain and with life seeming fresh and full of opportunities. But the memories stop because the mind tells it to stop. Such memories are counter-productive.
If I have been a failure at all else connected with the world, and in most ways I have failed in the world, will I be a success at the hermit life?
The hermit life requires but two: God and self.
God is perfect and successful and All; self would be the only problem if there is failure.
Today it seems I have no steam but always the thoughts. I tell myself without speaking that I would feel a sense of accomplishment if I "did" something, such as organized a closet. I can say I got some groceries and made a contact for another deck bid. I drove to Mass and was there, participating with Fr. Benedict of Uganda and all the rest who probably struggled to understand, and hopefully who felt great compassion for a priest being sold off for a couple of years to do missionary work in our country. We lack generosity in vocations here.
But is it doing that is so necessary? Some manual labor, yes, but the problem I face in stillness is just being still and learning that it is all right to be still and not do. Stillness can be offered to God as prayer and penance as much as doing.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
The Great Arsenius, Saint
"I have always something to repent for after having talked, but have never been sorry for having been silent".
St. Arsenius, pray for me.
Help me to ponder this quote attributed to you, St. Arsenius the Great. It is truth in my life, as well. Mother Mary, I must and I will learn silence.
There is very little if anything I ought say to others--not about my own life or theirs.
Prayer is silent.
St. Arsenius, pray for me.
Help me to ponder this quote attributed to you, St. Arsenius the Great. It is truth in my life, as well. Mother Mary, I must and I will learn silence.
There is very little if anything I ought say to others--not about my own life or theirs.
Prayer is silent.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Progress
Drove to a friend's home to help enjoy their 13-year-old son's birthday. It seemed strange to be out in a somewhat social setting, although these friends are very spiritual and holy Catholics.
Of course, I did not hold my tongue as well as I could have, as I came unglued regarding someone who has been on my mind for his loose-lips in speaking of things he should not. While he is a good example for me of not having self-mastery, it is my own lack of self-mastery that is shown by my reaction.
I am learning that I cannot and should not discuss the hermit life, or much of my rather insignificant life, anyway, with anyone. When I mention some of the discernments or the process of canonical approval, one friend becomes rather argumentative. It could be a kind of envy or a genuine lack of comprehension of the hermit life as outlined and approved by the Church's Canon Law, and also the traditions of this form of consecrated life. Mostly, it seems I am compared in not measuring up, or that I should not be allowed. And this is very good for humility; but it tells me that even in this aspect of my life, I must remain hidden and silent.
The Vicar General did tell me last Saturday evening that he has read through a guidebook of another Diocese, and that he copied pertinent pages, and he will call me in the next few days to discuss this. So we wait in detachment, and truly it is that, thankfully so.
When another friend suggests that this might change, that the hermit life might return to some kind of middle ground, or whatever direction God takes and that in time I might have peace or not--I realize that I cannot speak of how I know this is God's choosing of me for this hermit life.
In fact, I cannot speak of any of the paranormal experiences and the souls who I must pray for and sometimes even make a fool of myself in order to help them see something God has shown me of their lives. But, the most recent freak-out experience is not to be written at this time and in this venue.
I called one daughter twice, several days ago, and she has not called back. I called another daughter after she has not called and did not reply to an e-mail. My son does not call, of course. Today I thought of this, and how God is surely choosing the distancing of several people so that I can draw closer, listen better, and pray intently for souls.
I also thought about the Gospel in St. John which made me upset that my spiritual director is aging and will be going to the Father.... Then, I realized today, even yesterday, that I am going to the Father, also, very much so, in this hermit life.
Am becoming more accustomed to staying in, doing tasks about the hermitage, and yet not getting much reading done this week. Am still finding it difficult to not distract myself, and now from checking to see if anyone has e-mailed! Then I look for hardbound books on-line, and always find some to fill in the library. This time it is St. Francis de Sales and Fr. Jean Nicholas Grou.
Only one person has e-mailed today, and I answered immediately. I assume that with some will strengthening, I can cease hoping and thinking that perhaps someone will communicate! It is all part of the process of going to the Father, of leaving the world, and of leaving it in small ways that niggle at me and must be conquered.
Of course, I did not hold my tongue as well as I could have, as I came unglued regarding someone who has been on my mind for his loose-lips in speaking of things he should not. While he is a good example for me of not having self-mastery, it is my own lack of self-mastery that is shown by my reaction.
I am learning that I cannot and should not discuss the hermit life, or much of my rather insignificant life, anyway, with anyone. When I mention some of the discernments or the process of canonical approval, one friend becomes rather argumentative. It could be a kind of envy or a genuine lack of comprehension of the hermit life as outlined and approved by the Church's Canon Law, and also the traditions of this form of consecrated life. Mostly, it seems I am compared in not measuring up, or that I should not be allowed. And this is very good for humility; but it tells me that even in this aspect of my life, I must remain hidden and silent.
The Vicar General did tell me last Saturday evening that he has read through a guidebook of another Diocese, and that he copied pertinent pages, and he will call me in the next few days to discuss this. So we wait in detachment, and truly it is that, thankfully so.
When another friend suggests that this might change, that the hermit life might return to some kind of middle ground, or whatever direction God takes and that in time I might have peace or not--I realize that I cannot speak of how I know this is God's choosing of me for this hermit life.
In fact, I cannot speak of any of the paranormal experiences and the souls who I must pray for and sometimes even make a fool of myself in order to help them see something God has shown me of their lives. But, the most recent freak-out experience is not to be written at this time and in this venue.
I called one daughter twice, several days ago, and she has not called back. I called another daughter after she has not called and did not reply to an e-mail. My son does not call, of course. Today I thought of this, and how God is surely choosing the distancing of several people so that I can draw closer, listen better, and pray intently for souls.
I also thought about the Gospel in St. John which made me upset that my spiritual director is aging and will be going to the Father.... Then, I realized today, even yesterday, that I am going to the Father, also, very much so, in this hermit life.
Am becoming more accustomed to staying in, doing tasks about the hermitage, and yet not getting much reading done this week. Am still finding it difficult to not distract myself, and now from checking to see if anyone has e-mailed! Then I look for hardbound books on-line, and always find some to fill in the library. This time it is St. Francis de Sales and Fr. Jean Nicholas Grou.
Only one person has e-mailed today, and I answered immediately. I assume that with some will strengthening, I can cease hoping and thinking that perhaps someone will communicate! It is all part of the process of going to the Father, of leaving the world, and of leaving it in small ways that niggle at me and must be conquered.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Stillness
This morning I took in the guidebook for the eremitical life used formerly by the Diocese of LaCrosse. They are currently revising this book, but the Vicar General yesterday mentioned it would be helpful.
So, the Bishop and he have not discounted my request for canonical approval as a hermit in our Diocese. It is the choice of God, truly, if I am to be a consecrated eremitic.
The reality is frightening at times, but challenging and motivating.
Yesterday I spent some time writing a two-page letter to the Vicar General, feeling a need to express some of what is going on in the daily experience, the struggles and efforts made. I revised the letter and printed it out last night. This morning I cut off the bottom third of the second page and attached that small bit to the guidebook, with a note attached explaining I'd written a letter but realized he'd ask me if he needed information on my progress!
This brings me to the point about stillness: it is difficult as are all the nine s'.
When I used to think that my constant suffering was the most challenging "s", it now seems the easiest for it is always in me, and I am somewhat used to it.
To adapt to the other nine s' is taking much effort, and often I do not expend the effort.
For example, in stillness, the moments and minutes and hours pass slowly. I find myself looking out the window to Lake Immaculata often enough, or to write a letter and rewrite and spend much time, only to realize that other people, such as the Vicar General especially, are very busy with too much information tossed into their brains as it is. Besides, I must let my Spouse speak for me, explain whatever needs to be offered, on my behalf, for His whole.
Learning stillness in correspondence is but one aspect. God is curtailing the e-mail messages; most people are very busy. I am learning to take what He brings me. Recently I read in Bl. Paul Giustiniani, or somewhere--maybe in the LaCrosse guidebook--that a hermit is not to approach others but others may approach the hermit. This stands true in our current e-mail age. I wait.
In the stillness, with the time passing slowly, more prayer intentions rise to the surface of a yet very unstilled mind.
Charity must be offered in stillness, in stilling the mind and mouth and actions even within the hermitage. This charity is offered for the busy, active people in the world who work and have to rush about in a kind of cultural necessity, to earn a living to support self and families. Who am I to take their time with my observations and often enough, detailed, TMI (too much information)?
Jesus didn't seem to flap on and on. He had stillness inside and out.
The Virgin Mary didn't flap on and on. She had stillness inside and out.
I so want to learn stillness, inside and out. It will take effort, for stillness requires annihilating the interior and exterior jitters.
Abba Moses (and many other hermits who expressed the thought) said: Go into your cell and your cell will teach you all. This week, I am staying in the cell most of the time, and it is teaching me that I need stillness. The more I remain in the cell, the more stillness will settle inside and out.
Lake Immaculata shows me stillness when there is no wind or ducks and geese paddling.
So, the Bishop and he have not discounted my request for canonical approval as a hermit in our Diocese. It is the choice of God, truly, if I am to be a consecrated eremitic.
The reality is frightening at times, but challenging and motivating.
Yesterday I spent some time writing a two-page letter to the Vicar General, feeling a need to express some of what is going on in the daily experience, the struggles and efforts made. I revised the letter and printed it out last night. This morning I cut off the bottom third of the second page and attached that small bit to the guidebook, with a note attached explaining I'd written a letter but realized he'd ask me if he needed information on my progress!
This brings me to the point about stillness: it is difficult as are all the nine s'.
When I used to think that my constant suffering was the most challenging "s", it now seems the easiest for it is always in me, and I am somewhat used to it.
To adapt to the other nine s' is taking much effort, and often I do not expend the effort.
For example, in stillness, the moments and minutes and hours pass slowly. I find myself looking out the window to Lake Immaculata often enough, or to write a letter and rewrite and spend much time, only to realize that other people, such as the Vicar General especially, are very busy with too much information tossed into their brains as it is. Besides, I must let my Spouse speak for me, explain whatever needs to be offered, on my behalf, for His whole.
Learning stillness in correspondence is but one aspect. God is curtailing the e-mail messages; most people are very busy. I am learning to take what He brings me. Recently I read in Bl. Paul Giustiniani, or somewhere--maybe in the LaCrosse guidebook--that a hermit is not to approach others but others may approach the hermit. This stands true in our current e-mail age. I wait.
In the stillness, with the time passing slowly, more prayer intentions rise to the surface of a yet very unstilled mind.
Charity must be offered in stillness, in stilling the mind and mouth and actions even within the hermitage. This charity is offered for the busy, active people in the world who work and have to rush about in a kind of cultural necessity, to earn a living to support self and families. Who am I to take their time with my observations and often enough, detailed, TMI (too much information)?
Jesus didn't seem to flap on and on. He had stillness inside and out.
The Virgin Mary didn't flap on and on. She had stillness inside and out.
I so want to learn stillness, inside and out. It will take effort, for stillness requires annihilating the interior and exterior jitters.
Abba Moses (and many other hermits who expressed the thought) said: Go into your cell and your cell will teach you all. This week, I am staying in the cell most of the time, and it is teaching me that I need stillness. The more I remain in the cell, the more stillness will settle inside and out.
Lake Immaculata shows me stillness when there is no wind or ducks and geese paddling.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Distractions and Settling
The Irish Da wrote some thoughts by St. John of the Cross on possessions. The bottom line is to not crave possessions or objects but to utilize what one has or needs without attachment. The motivation of the mind and heart, the will, are key.
I have been distracting myself, seeming to not be able to settle down.
But this is improving. On days in which I do not have errands, there is a peace after Mass, coming back to Agnus Dei, and spending the next 23 hours here until Mass once more.
Odd-ball relationship problems have developed. A woman became a problem, and it required avoiding her. This ended up being an answer to prayer, discerning if I should be in a club, religious goal that it has, but yet somewhat social in nature. I am not going to be in the club.
Then, a lovely Catholic woman friend has had to withdraw. Granted, I was too attached and even annoying with contacts and involvement in her life, and that of her active family. A religious solitary cannot have such a particular friendship.
The attempt to donate the hermitage to the Diocese failed for their are tax disadvantages to the Diocese in having a donation with a new mortgage; it must have at least five years paid.
But I did read in another Diocese' requirements for hermits, that they may have ownership of their hermitage, and thus be exempt from that aspect of the vow of poverty. They are to keep what assets provide for their financial autonomy from the Diocese and to provide for themselves.
Also, a property line issue needed to be resolved by having the surveyor mark the corners of the lot. My neighbor and his wife, adult son and that son's little boy who live there, are rancorous toward me now. They never were very friendly. It is of the man that I had a disturbing warning dream a couple months before obtaining this lot. It is proving accurate, and even back then I knew I was to pray for this man's soul. Now I must pray for all of them, and also live with the acrimonious relationship. Even in this, God is enforcing soliltude for they do not speak, slam doors, and try to irritate with passive aggressive (and sometimes aggressive) actions. The woman shouted hateful accusations and words about me; it was unexpected from her, and they have turned the little boy to be afraid of me. I am using Holy Water much, daily, and especially on the latch of their mailbox which is beside mine.
Above all and more a loss of sorts, is my dear Irish Da's physical decline. By means of using St. John's Gospel, last Sunday's Mass reading, he prepared me in the content: I am going to the Father, I will not be with you long, but I will not leave you orphans, and some day you will see me again, and so forth.
I grieved heavily with the jolting reality. Selfishly, I questioned how I could manage here, and that this was maybe too much solitude, if he weren't on earth to be my anam cara. But I am now able to be happy for him, and it could still be that I would go to the Father first!
All these losses are helping define my vocation as a hermit. God is answering my prayers that I do a very good job at this vocation, that I glorify Him and adore Him, that the work done here in prayer and the nine s' be successfully accomplished. He is stripping me of the distractions that hinder, and of the attachments that chain me to selfishly and in fear.
The minutes and hours flow seemingly endlessly. With darkness now not blanketing the earth until later in the evening, time seems to go slowly until bed. Going to bed appeals for then I can rise and go to Mass. Then, however, it is back to the hermitage, unless there is an errand, and I think I have exhausted most of the errands to the point of stashing entirely too many non-necessities that I talked myself into as necessities.
On the other hand, on days of distractions and errands, one or two after Mass, the peace and stillness is disrupted and a kind of guilt pervades. This morning, in fact, I looked at a photo of my late grandmother and told her that she lived more a hermit life than I, the aspiring hermit, was living. While it might not be true, she did live more simply, staying with her adult children and their families, not owning a home, and being rather a maidservant, helping for the most part in the background, and not much socializing outside the family.
It was this grandmother who appeared to me about 20 years ago and told me that I would need to learn to hibernate like a bear in order to protect myself from "the world." This was one of the first pre-announcements or warnings of what was to come in light of this vocation, the reality of this vocation of hermit life. When she disappeared, heavy perfumed air remained for some time in the room.
I am figuring that these months now are a fairly typical period of adjustment. It is a give and take, a dance in and out of the world, and the emotions that go with comprehending one's worthlessness and loss of earthly identity, in exchange for work in the supernatural realm yet while in this physical realm.
Tonight many Cathedral parishioners are enjoying a lovely dinner and party for volunteers. I was included, and I had to decline, for obvious reasons. It was social. A hermit has guidelines and definition, after all. Yet, it is more a sacrifice than what I thought, for it is a definitive break from even the world of the Church, of having that distraction of conversation and observing people. I decided to cook dried peas for an authentic peas porridge hot, and offer the sacrifice to God as a commitment to this life, as well as for intentions for souls. In faith, I must know deeply and in trust, that God will use this.
I have been distracting myself, seeming to not be able to settle down.
But this is improving. On days in which I do not have errands, there is a peace after Mass, coming back to Agnus Dei, and spending the next 23 hours here until Mass once more.
Odd-ball relationship problems have developed. A woman became a problem, and it required avoiding her. This ended up being an answer to prayer, discerning if I should be in a club, religious goal that it has, but yet somewhat social in nature. I am not going to be in the club.
Then, a lovely Catholic woman friend has had to withdraw. Granted, I was too attached and even annoying with contacts and involvement in her life, and that of her active family. A religious solitary cannot have such a particular friendship.
The attempt to donate the hermitage to the Diocese failed for their are tax disadvantages to the Diocese in having a donation with a new mortgage; it must have at least five years paid.
But I did read in another Diocese' requirements for hermits, that they may have ownership of their hermitage, and thus be exempt from that aspect of the vow of poverty. They are to keep what assets provide for their financial autonomy from the Diocese and to provide for themselves.
Also, a property line issue needed to be resolved by having the surveyor mark the corners of the lot. My neighbor and his wife, adult son and that son's little boy who live there, are rancorous toward me now. They never were very friendly. It is of the man that I had a disturbing warning dream a couple months before obtaining this lot. It is proving accurate, and even back then I knew I was to pray for this man's soul. Now I must pray for all of them, and also live with the acrimonious relationship. Even in this, God is enforcing soliltude for they do not speak, slam doors, and try to irritate with passive aggressive (and sometimes aggressive) actions. The woman shouted hateful accusations and words about me; it was unexpected from her, and they have turned the little boy to be afraid of me. I am using Holy Water much, daily, and especially on the latch of their mailbox which is beside mine.
Above all and more a loss of sorts, is my dear Irish Da's physical decline. By means of using St. John's Gospel, last Sunday's Mass reading, he prepared me in the content: I am going to the Father, I will not be with you long, but I will not leave you orphans, and some day you will see me again, and so forth.
I grieved heavily with the jolting reality. Selfishly, I questioned how I could manage here, and that this was maybe too much solitude, if he weren't on earth to be my anam cara. But I am now able to be happy for him, and it could still be that I would go to the Father first!
All these losses are helping define my vocation as a hermit. God is answering my prayers that I do a very good job at this vocation, that I glorify Him and adore Him, that the work done here in prayer and the nine s' be successfully accomplished. He is stripping me of the distractions that hinder, and of the attachments that chain me to selfishly and in fear.
The minutes and hours flow seemingly endlessly. With darkness now not blanketing the earth until later in the evening, time seems to go slowly until bed. Going to bed appeals for then I can rise and go to Mass. Then, however, it is back to the hermitage, unless there is an errand, and I think I have exhausted most of the errands to the point of stashing entirely too many non-necessities that I talked myself into as necessities.
On the other hand, on days of distractions and errands, one or two after Mass, the peace and stillness is disrupted and a kind of guilt pervades. This morning, in fact, I looked at a photo of my late grandmother and told her that she lived more a hermit life than I, the aspiring hermit, was living. While it might not be true, she did live more simply, staying with her adult children and their families, not owning a home, and being rather a maidservant, helping for the most part in the background, and not much socializing outside the family.
It was this grandmother who appeared to me about 20 years ago and told me that I would need to learn to hibernate like a bear in order to protect myself from "the world." This was one of the first pre-announcements or warnings of what was to come in light of this vocation, the reality of this vocation of hermit life. When she disappeared, heavy perfumed air remained for some time in the room.
I am figuring that these months now are a fairly typical period of adjustment. It is a give and take, a dance in and out of the world, and the emotions that go with comprehending one's worthlessness and loss of earthly identity, in exchange for work in the supernatural realm yet while in this physical realm.
Tonight many Cathedral parishioners are enjoying a lovely dinner and party for volunteers. I was included, and I had to decline, for obvious reasons. It was social. A hermit has guidelines and definition, after all. Yet, it is more a sacrifice than what I thought, for it is a definitive break from even the world of the Church, of having that distraction of conversation and observing people. I decided to cook dried peas for an authentic peas porridge hot, and offer the sacrifice to God as a commitment to this life, as well as for intentions for souls. In faith, I must know deeply and in trust, that God will use this.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
The Hermit Nitty Gritty
I don't write anything profound about hermit life, being an incomplete hermit and all. But, as an aspiring complete hermit, I note the nitty gritty. Really, there is very little help about the day-to-day issues of a hermit.
Today I met with a woman who reads a book a month, along with me, and we discuss it. Inevitably, the readings of the book just finished (Treasury of Catholic Wisdom) contain various theologians and saints comments on Mary and Martha. The contemplative life is always presented in its true light, and various aspects of Martha's mode in the active life are discussed. Yet, always is it upheld that Jesus did say, "Mary chose the better part."
St. Therese of Lisieux comments further that Martha was busy doing her work, but she complained and was not at peace. Truly, if we are in the active life, we must learn to be busy at our work but also to learn to pray, to be recollected, in that work. If one cannot hold the mind to pray but must use it for the task at hand, then one can train the will and mind to set the work to be done to God's glory.
Today we also discussed some group settings, and I pondered them in light of a hermit's life. (Until the Bishop determines that I am not a hermit nor to be canonically approved, I must continue on living as if I were a hermit, learning and growing in the nine s'.) My friend spoke of some groups of women she participates in, and to me they sound dreadful due to the content of discussion. I made the comment that we must do as St. Teresa of Avila advises, and if others do not lead our souls to heaven, then we must flee their company. St. Therese even had to confront a sister with whom the Superior wanted her to have discussions, for the discussions were not holy to a heroic degree of virtue. The other nun admitted her faults, and they evolved to heights in dropping the unholy aspects of the one nun's outlook, which was heavily turned to "self."
My friend said that we must not judge other people like that, to say that what they discuss is pointless or worthless. I had said quite bluntly that the topic was a waste of time. Then I stated that yes, we must judge what is of good for our souls and what is a detriment, and make choices accordingly. Some people may never see that what they discuss is worthless for their souls, other than perhaps to provide great remorse if they ever do see how pointless and how much time was wasted.
I have been at that turning point in various aspects. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I become tired and ill of that which is not good for my soul, but in the meantime I have wasted much time in the past, and do so even now.
It is all a matter of desire of the soul for holiness, being still enough to observe one's soul and life lived, and then whacking off what does not uplift the soul, does not help the soul climb the holy mountain of the Lord.
For a hermit, and perhaps for many souls, the social activities must drop off the mountain path. The path is far too narrow and steep for a group of people to hike holding their novels and sodas or cocktails.
Driving home, I realized that the Lord has blessed me with such a yearning for Him, for His love, that increasingly I am not interested in others who do not yearn for God alone, to live all for God. I could see that in the few close contacts God gives me, if it weren't for the freedom to discuss Christ and the soul's climb to heaven, these few would drop off just as the women's clubs have done in the past.
It seems harsh, but I ask what did Jesus discuss? What was His only agenda and focus? What kind of group did he have? The reality and accuracy of the Gospels cannot be twisted, not legitimately or honorably, to fit our lack of fitness or desire for the ascent.
My discussion partner mentioned that there are two topics which are to be discussed with others. I again bluntly stated that if we want to be saints and are called to holiness, then there is but one topic to be discussed, and that his God. A hermit is not running for public office. A priest or rector perhaps must be all for all, but a hermit must be all for God.
Maybe this is the hermit's greatest task and sign to the world, and that is what most of the world will never see. How many women's fiction groups or elderly ladies focused on their next doctor's appointment know about the Carthusians and Camaldolese and their 24 hours of contemplative prayer for souls and the world?
And the hermits do not fret about it, for they desire not to be known except by God: are called to pray, to be alone with God, to love God in God, and through God in God they love all souls in God.
Today I met with a woman who reads a book a month, along with me, and we discuss it. Inevitably, the readings of the book just finished (Treasury of Catholic Wisdom) contain various theologians and saints comments on Mary and Martha. The contemplative life is always presented in its true light, and various aspects of Martha's mode in the active life are discussed. Yet, always is it upheld that Jesus did say, "Mary chose the better part."
St. Therese of Lisieux comments further that Martha was busy doing her work, but she complained and was not at peace. Truly, if we are in the active life, we must learn to be busy at our work but also to learn to pray, to be recollected, in that work. If one cannot hold the mind to pray but must use it for the task at hand, then one can train the will and mind to set the work to be done to God's glory.
Today we also discussed some group settings, and I pondered them in light of a hermit's life. (Until the Bishop determines that I am not a hermit nor to be canonically approved, I must continue on living as if I were a hermit, learning and growing in the nine s'.) My friend spoke of some groups of women she participates in, and to me they sound dreadful due to the content of discussion. I made the comment that we must do as St. Teresa of Avila advises, and if others do not lead our souls to heaven, then we must flee their company. St. Therese even had to confront a sister with whom the Superior wanted her to have discussions, for the discussions were not holy to a heroic degree of virtue. The other nun admitted her faults, and they evolved to heights in dropping the unholy aspects of the one nun's outlook, which was heavily turned to "self."
My friend said that we must not judge other people like that, to say that what they discuss is pointless or worthless. I had said quite bluntly that the topic was a waste of time. Then I stated that yes, we must judge what is of good for our souls and what is a detriment, and make choices accordingly. Some people may never see that what they discuss is worthless for their souls, other than perhaps to provide great remorse if they ever do see how pointless and how much time was wasted.
I have been at that turning point in various aspects. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I become tired and ill of that which is not good for my soul, but in the meantime I have wasted much time in the past, and do so even now.
It is all a matter of desire of the soul for holiness, being still enough to observe one's soul and life lived, and then whacking off what does not uplift the soul, does not help the soul climb the holy mountain of the Lord.
For a hermit, and perhaps for many souls, the social activities must drop off the mountain path. The path is far too narrow and steep for a group of people to hike holding their novels and sodas or cocktails.
Driving home, I realized that the Lord has blessed me with such a yearning for Him, for His love, that increasingly I am not interested in others who do not yearn for God alone, to live all for God. I could see that in the few close contacts God gives me, if it weren't for the freedom to discuss Christ and the soul's climb to heaven, these few would drop off just as the women's clubs have done in the past.
It seems harsh, but I ask what did Jesus discuss? What was His only agenda and focus? What kind of group did he have? The reality and accuracy of the Gospels cannot be twisted, not legitimately or honorably, to fit our lack of fitness or desire for the ascent.
My discussion partner mentioned that there are two topics which are to be discussed with others. I again bluntly stated that if we want to be saints and are called to holiness, then there is but one topic to be discussed, and that his God. A hermit is not running for public office. A priest or rector perhaps must be all for all, but a hermit must be all for God.
Maybe this is the hermit's greatest task and sign to the world, and that is what most of the world will never see. How many women's fiction groups or elderly ladies focused on their next doctor's appointment know about the Carthusians and Camaldolese and their 24 hours of contemplative prayer for souls and the world?
And the hermits do not fret about it, for they desire not to be known except by God: are called to pray, to be alone with God, to love God in God, and through God in God they love all souls in God.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Transitions
Settling into the hermit life has times of transition which are difficult. There are times in which the present moment requires interaction with people, such as keeping in contact with family in a visit.
Yes, Bl. Paul Giustiniani or Dom Leclercq say that family must visit the hermit, but charity in this case seems to rule that the hermit visit the adult children when required in love.
Then, there are the errands. Getting the hermitage set up for long-term hibernation is not a quick process. The pottery purchased for guests to eat on is put away--except for a couple of pieces with flaws which need to be returned and exchanged. Another trip to the store. The loan still needs modification and another closing, more phone calls, a trip to the title company. Some soaps need to be exchanged.
From one day of many errands and much driving, of visiting and shopping to get a birthday gift for a daughter, of doing as they desired (and not out of line of charity by any means but just busy and much sitting), then forgetting some guests wanting to come to the hermitage and dining with them, but with much spiritual conversation--it has been very busy and not the nine s' other than a form of selflessness, one might suppose. Then, thanks be to God and the pain, and for a day of total nine s' until time to go to Mass in late afternoon--it is quite an extreme shift.
I suppose a baseball pitcher learns to make transitions smoothly, yes. From one batter to the next, the pitcher adapts and adjusts accordingly--but still pitches, still focuses on what he is to be and to do.
I must stop fussing over the effort, the ups and downs, and just be and do. Take each moment as it presents itself and strive in the nine s' as much as possible. Andrew the Heron was back, and today he stood on the grassy bank and watched the water. It was odd that he was not wading and fishing. Maybe this was a transition day for him, also. He seemed unperturbed.
Yes, Bl. Paul Giustiniani or Dom Leclercq say that family must visit the hermit, but charity in this case seems to rule that the hermit visit the adult children when required in love.
Then, there are the errands. Getting the hermitage set up for long-term hibernation is not a quick process. The pottery purchased for guests to eat on is put away--except for a couple of pieces with flaws which need to be returned and exchanged. Another trip to the store. The loan still needs modification and another closing, more phone calls, a trip to the title company. Some soaps need to be exchanged.
From one day of many errands and much driving, of visiting and shopping to get a birthday gift for a daughter, of doing as they desired (and not out of line of charity by any means but just busy and much sitting), then forgetting some guests wanting to come to the hermitage and dining with them, but with much spiritual conversation--it has been very busy and not the nine s' other than a form of selflessness, one might suppose. Then, thanks be to God and the pain, and for a day of total nine s' until time to go to Mass in late afternoon--it is quite an extreme shift.
I suppose a baseball pitcher learns to make transitions smoothly, yes. From one batter to the next, the pitcher adapts and adjusts accordingly--but still pitches, still focuses on what he is to be and to do.
I must stop fussing over the effort, the ups and downs, and just be and do. Take each moment as it presents itself and strive in the nine s' as much as possible. Andrew the Heron was back, and today he stood on the grassy bank and watched the water. It was odd that he was not wading and fishing. Maybe this was a transition day for him, also. He seemed unperturbed.
Baseball and Hermits
After dining out with a couple who are in need of friendships, and a spiritual conversation, I drove back to the hermitage, pondering. Why is there a need for a label? What is the Bishop considering regarding my request to be canonically approved a hermit? Or has he turned it over for a decision by the Vicar General-Chancellor-Rector?
Baseball popped into mind. Now, in baseball the Bishop could relate.
A hermit needs a focus, label, position, job description just as a baseball pitcher requires these in order to be and do what he is and does.
A pitcher must practice and focus on his form and duty. He must learn all he can and zero-in on the batter, using total effort on what he is to be and do. Without the label of "pitcher", he would not have the rules or focus; it would not count for much of anything for a housewife to stand on the mound. Nor would it count for much if a pitcher stood in for a housewife. Labels define the job to be done and provide necessary identity for focus. Focus and practice are necessary in any vocation, for success in vocation.
A hermit must practice and focus on form and duty. A hermit must learn all he can to zero-in on the task at hand, using total effort on what he is to be and do. There are rules to be learned and followed. Without the label of "hermit," he would not have the necessary identity or form; it would be difficult to focus and be successful at the vocation. For, what vocation would it be without the label identifying it and the rules defining it?
Yet in both baseball pitcher and hermit, unique form and individual style play through. Certain moves and characteristic details provide variance within the identity and definition. These develop through guidance as well as trial and error, and through past experience of other pitchers and hermits.
To be successful in a vocation, one needs a label which identifies and defines the work to be accomplished. The degree of success for both pitcher and hermit depend upon God-given talent, graces, cooperation, practice, desire, focus, and willingness to put one's whole self into the effort. If God wills a person to be a pitcher, he signs the contract. If hermit life is God's will, then one must make the fiat. A pitcher's contract is negotiable; a hermit's vow is not. A pitcher plays baseball until body gives out. A hermit lives the life of the nine s' (silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessnesssimplicity, stability, stillness, serenity) until God calls the game.
Baseball popped into mind. Now, in baseball the Bishop could relate.
A hermit needs a focus, label, position, job description just as a baseball pitcher requires these in order to be and do what he is and does.
A pitcher must practice and focus on his form and duty. He must learn all he can and zero-in on the batter, using total effort on what he is to be and do. Without the label of "pitcher", he would not have the rules or focus; it would not count for much of anything for a housewife to stand on the mound. Nor would it count for much if a pitcher stood in for a housewife. Labels define the job to be done and provide necessary identity for focus. Focus and practice are necessary in any vocation, for success in vocation.
A hermit must practice and focus on form and duty. A hermit must learn all he can to zero-in on the task at hand, using total effort on what he is to be and do. There are rules to be learned and followed. Without the label of "hermit," he would not have the necessary identity or form; it would be difficult to focus and be successful at the vocation. For, what vocation would it be without the label identifying it and the rules defining it?
Yet in both baseball pitcher and hermit, unique form and individual style play through. Certain moves and characteristic details provide variance within the identity and definition. These develop through guidance as well as trial and error, and through past experience of other pitchers and hermits.
To be successful in a vocation, one needs a label which identifies and defines the work to be accomplished. The degree of success for both pitcher and hermit depend upon God-given talent, graces, cooperation, practice, desire, focus, and willingness to put one's whole self into the effort. If God wills a person to be a pitcher, he signs the contract. If hermit life is God's will, then one must make the fiat. A pitcher's contract is negotiable; a hermit's vow is not. A pitcher plays baseball until body gives out. A hermit lives the life of the nine s' (silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessnesssimplicity, stability, stillness, serenity) until God calls the game.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Struggles
I am not doing such a great job in this vocation thus far. I am having withdrawals of a type unexpected. It is in little things. Hard to settle down. Hard to stay out of a couple of stores, or to not feel as if I am stocking up for the rest of my life on earth. I am like a squirrel preparing for an eternal hibernation, finding good deals on basic foods, shoes, pants, dishes, candles, soap--even hand lotion.
It is like a new beginning. Like starting out all over but for the final run.
The Cathedral is having a volunteer appreciation dinner at a lovely facility, with great food and views and good people, of course. My spiritual director and I decided it would not be an event that a hermit would attend: too social and without spiritual focus as the main component. My problem is that I do not want to appreciate myself and be rewarded for the honor of helping at Mass. I want to have a God Appreciation Dinner if anything. So I will stay home that evening, and dried peas cooked with rosemary will be the fare.
Yet, I am having a little withdrawal from cancelling the reservation. Part of it is that I know I cannot go. Another part is that a good dinner with a glass of wine and nice people and discussion--even observing the event--would be rather fun as a distraction. Yet another part tells me that this is a lopping off from the world, but the Catholic world of social involvement. Previously I had been excluded from events in other parishes; now that I am included, I must not attend. This makes for a very good sacrifice: to offer God what is rather nice.
It is very good for active people to socialize, to gather in a Christian effort to get to know one another, laugh and love. It is not what a hermit needs. A hermit is to gather with God alone in effort to get to know Him. I will make sure I laugh and love with God alone that night.
Now, about the dishes I just purchased. My, they are colorful and vibrant! They go with the colors in the hermitage. They look like Provence has come to the States, just in time to celebrate a person staying put. Yes, they were on sale, and with an added coupon were a deal. But are they too colorful for a hermit? Are they necessary? No. I can eat on what I have.
Somehow, though, I keep thinking that people will come to the hermitage as guests, even for a bowl of soup and some spiritual conversation. I guess they'd have to be invited, though. No one knows where I live except one family who has come once and a woman who has come once. It was Lent, and we used the purple dishes. Would someone love to eat from these colorful dishes? Of course! Will they be cheery on the gloomiest of days? Of course!
My spiritual director tells me to develop the hermit life through discernment, that it will be rather an individualized effort. St. Alphonsus Rodriguez says one can know the will of God through how one feels: peace and calm or unrest.
I am feeling a little unrest about the dishes; but another part feels that they are just the thing at a good price, for a new beginning. The colors are so inviting and match the other furnishings. Yes, I can see people enjoying these very much. But I'll pray about it. I'll ask the Mistress, Mother Mary, if she likes them and wants them in her house, for this is the little house of Mary, and she calls it Agnus Dei.
But the loveliness of the place, and these colorful dishes, dispell stereotypes of austere huts with a wooden bowl and stick utensils for dining.
It is like a new beginning. Like starting out all over but for the final run.
The Cathedral is having a volunteer appreciation dinner at a lovely facility, with great food and views and good people, of course. My spiritual director and I decided it would not be an event that a hermit would attend: too social and without spiritual focus as the main component. My problem is that I do not want to appreciate myself and be rewarded for the honor of helping at Mass. I want to have a God Appreciation Dinner if anything. So I will stay home that evening, and dried peas cooked with rosemary will be the fare.
Yet, I am having a little withdrawal from cancelling the reservation. Part of it is that I know I cannot go. Another part is that a good dinner with a glass of wine and nice people and discussion--even observing the event--would be rather fun as a distraction. Yet another part tells me that this is a lopping off from the world, but the Catholic world of social involvement. Previously I had been excluded from events in other parishes; now that I am included, I must not attend. This makes for a very good sacrifice: to offer God what is rather nice.
It is very good for active people to socialize, to gather in a Christian effort to get to know one another, laugh and love. It is not what a hermit needs. A hermit is to gather with God alone in effort to get to know Him. I will make sure I laugh and love with God alone that night.
Now, about the dishes I just purchased. My, they are colorful and vibrant! They go with the colors in the hermitage. They look like Provence has come to the States, just in time to celebrate a person staying put. Yes, they were on sale, and with an added coupon were a deal. But are they too colorful for a hermit? Are they necessary? No. I can eat on what I have.
Somehow, though, I keep thinking that people will come to the hermitage as guests, even for a bowl of soup and some spiritual conversation. I guess they'd have to be invited, though. No one knows where I live except one family who has come once and a woman who has come once. It was Lent, and we used the purple dishes. Would someone love to eat from these colorful dishes? Of course! Will they be cheery on the gloomiest of days? Of course!
My spiritual director tells me to develop the hermit life through discernment, that it will be rather an individualized effort. St. Alphonsus Rodriguez says one can know the will of God through how one feels: peace and calm or unrest.
I am feeling a little unrest about the dishes; but another part feels that they are just the thing at a good price, for a new beginning. The colors are so inviting and match the other furnishings. Yes, I can see people enjoying these very much. But I'll pray about it. I'll ask the Mistress, Mother Mary, if she likes them and wants them in her house, for this is the little house of Mary, and she calls it Agnus Dei.
But the loveliness of the place, and these colorful dishes, dispell stereotypes of austere huts with a wooden bowl and stick utensils for dining.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Hermits and the Church
Have recognized the reality that a hermit is a hermit in the Church if canonically approved. Dom Jean Leclercq also writes through the translations of Bl. Paul Giustiniani as to why a hermit must have the stamp of approval of the Church in order to progress in this vocation. However, in the French Bishop's revision of Canon 603 on the eremetical life, one in this vocation may live the life without canonical approval. In that case, however, one should not refer to oneself as a hermit.
I submitted a request to my Bishop, with the approval of my spiritual director. Actually, my s.d. did not realize that one must request being consecrated as a religious eremitic in the Diocese. He said, "Why can't you just live it?" Well, of course, I can--or rather, I can try to. But, it will be lived out without the graces which come through the Church for the consecrated religious. God will provide the graces necessary, however, to the state to which He calls me. I accept that the graces may not be quite the same. How could they be? It is as God wills.
The Bishop has my letter of request, and I have not heard anything from him yet. This could take several months or may be delegated to the Vicar General for consideration and research. The eremitical life is not common, and many priests and probably Bishops may not be cognizant of the details and forms of canonical approval of a religious solitary.
Now, I do not expect to be consecrated. Perhaps I will need an annulment since I converted after a divorce and will not remarry. But the divorce is out there, in the distant past. Also, how I consider myself, to grow and learn in this life to which I am chosen by God, may be as the maidservant of the Handmaid of the Lord, or as a religious solitary, or whatever God decides to call me. Maybe nothing. Yet, it is well for me to focus on at least maidservant, as this helps me be formed into the life of silence, solitude, slowness and the rest of the s'. It is true that my angel did say that God had chosen me for the hermit life--and used the word "hermit" and none other. So, we shall see in time what the Bishop determines.
In the meantime, I continue to discern the living out of the life, not only the internals but also still the externals. Both together. For example, I am an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist (aka Eucharistic Minister as incorrectly termed by many). There is an appreciation dinner for Cathedral volunteers. While I think we should appreciate God for allowing us to volunteer--to have the health and wits and for His giving us the Church--I am discerning if this is a function to which a "hermit" would attend. Dom Leclercq says that a hermit must be socialized, but is this a necessary socialization? It is a Cathedral function but thus far I have contained myself to worship functions: Masses and Holy Hours and the Bishop's Jubilee celebration.
If I do go to the dinner, it will have to be as an assignment: to observe, listen and keep nose to the ground. I would observe others with the specific task of not criticizing but of seeing their good qualities and contrasting these goodnesses to my own faults and weaknesses. Or, to simply see only their goodnesses without criticism. Otherwise, I might not go at all.
As a kind of post script, a seminarian has written regarding the thought that one should not be an extra-ordinary minister of Holy Communion because only a priest should touch the Blessed Sacrament. My questioning of this ministry in the Church to be the possibility of being too visible for a hermit and had not to do with touching the Host. Actually, I hold the Cup of the Precious Blood when I serve. A quote by St. Thomas Aquinas was given as argument against being an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion.
"Out of reverence towards this Sacrament (Blessed Sacrament), nothing touches it but when it is consecrated" - St. Thomas Aquinas in Summa, Pt III Q, Q2 Art. 3
I am not an apologist but in this quote it seems to actually say that nothing touches the Host but when it is consecrated. Yes, when it is consecrated. Once it is consecrated, what then? Surely He is touched; or rather, He touches us. He touches our tongues when we receive Him, and the Church has said that hands may touch and be touched by Christ in the Host. I do not try to second-guess the Church, or to pass judgment, when the Church determines and makes a decree. In individual parishes, yes, there can be abuses; but also there may not be abuses. I would have to see a Church document that states that only a priest may touch the Host, and no one else after the Host is consecrated, under any circumstance.
However, I can appreciate the seminarian's prayerful decision for him to not be an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion, if he feels it is personally wrong for him to touch the Host. It is not wrong by Holy Mother Church's determinations, from any documentation I have ever read.
In this case, the Church has allowed for the use of Extra-ordinary Ministers of Holy Communion and also has allowed for the Faithful to receive Him in the hand. I personally only receive on the tongue, although once a priest with Parkinson's asked me to receive in the hand, as he feared dropping Our Lord. While it is conceivable that some priests could over-use laity for assisting with distributing Communion, I cannot make that call, for I don't know what criteria used in individual parishes when they are deciding.
Yes, I personally am quite willing to wait in line longer, if there were to be only priests and deacons allowed to offer Jesus to the Faithful; but the fact remains that the Church has spoken on this matter, for now, and it is not wrong, then, to assist as an Extra-ordinary Minister of Holy Communion. In that, it would be wrong for me to not help when the priest asks for help. The Cathedral has this organized for so many to offer the Precious Blood and one person to offer His Body (and this not utilized when an additional priest there to offer the Hosts). People come in four lines, and thus eight are utilized. It is not my position to decide otherwise; it is decided by the Bishop and Rector. Thus, if help is needed, then help is offered in charity and by decree of the Church, with no wrong being done.
I pray this helps in what is my dilemma as an (incomplete) hermit, in discerning the service to the Church. In the guides for the eremitic life, service to the Church is optional. It is for me a question of what is too visible, not in what is allowed by the Church and of service as it stands for now. Perhaps when we have more priests again, laity will not be asked to help distribute Christ's Body and Blood. Surely not, for when in some Masses, there are many priests, laity are not utilized.
I submitted a request to my Bishop, with the approval of my spiritual director. Actually, my s.d. did not realize that one must request being consecrated as a religious eremitic in the Diocese. He said, "Why can't you just live it?" Well, of course, I can--or rather, I can try to. But, it will be lived out without the graces which come through the Church for the consecrated religious. God will provide the graces necessary, however, to the state to which He calls me. I accept that the graces may not be quite the same. How could they be? It is as God wills.
The Bishop has my letter of request, and I have not heard anything from him yet. This could take several months or may be delegated to the Vicar General for consideration and research. The eremitical life is not common, and many priests and probably Bishops may not be cognizant of the details and forms of canonical approval of a religious solitary.
Now, I do not expect to be consecrated. Perhaps I will need an annulment since I converted after a divorce and will not remarry. But the divorce is out there, in the distant past. Also, how I consider myself, to grow and learn in this life to which I am chosen by God, may be as the maidservant of the Handmaid of the Lord, or as a religious solitary, or whatever God decides to call me. Maybe nothing. Yet, it is well for me to focus on at least maidservant, as this helps me be formed into the life of silence, solitude, slowness and the rest of the s'. It is true that my angel did say that God had chosen me for the hermit life--and used the word "hermit" and none other. So, we shall see in time what the Bishop determines.
In the meantime, I continue to discern the living out of the life, not only the internals but also still the externals. Both together. For example, I am an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist (aka Eucharistic Minister as incorrectly termed by many). There is an appreciation dinner for Cathedral volunteers. While I think we should appreciate God for allowing us to volunteer--to have the health and wits and for His giving us the Church--I am discerning if this is a function to which a "hermit" would attend. Dom Leclercq says that a hermit must be socialized, but is this a necessary socialization? It is a Cathedral function but thus far I have contained myself to worship functions: Masses and Holy Hours and the Bishop's Jubilee celebration.
If I do go to the dinner, it will have to be as an assignment: to observe, listen and keep nose to the ground. I would observe others with the specific task of not criticizing but of seeing their good qualities and contrasting these goodnesses to my own faults and weaknesses. Or, to simply see only their goodnesses without criticism. Otherwise, I might not go at all.
As a kind of post script, a seminarian has written regarding the thought that one should not be an extra-ordinary minister of Holy Communion because only a priest should touch the Blessed Sacrament. My questioning of this ministry in the Church to be the possibility of being too visible for a hermit and had not to do with touching the Host. Actually, I hold the Cup of the Precious Blood when I serve. A quote by St. Thomas Aquinas was given as argument against being an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion.
"Out of reverence towards this Sacrament (Blessed Sacrament), nothing touches it but when it is consecrated" - St. Thomas Aquinas in Summa, Pt III Q, Q2 Art. 3
I am not an apologist but in this quote it seems to actually say that nothing touches the Host but when it is consecrated. Yes, when it is consecrated. Once it is consecrated, what then? Surely He is touched; or rather, He touches us. He touches our tongues when we receive Him, and the Church has said that hands may touch and be touched by Christ in the Host. I do not try to second-guess the Church, or to pass judgment, when the Church determines and makes a decree. In individual parishes, yes, there can be abuses; but also there may not be abuses. I would have to see a Church document that states that only a priest may touch the Host, and no one else after the Host is consecrated, under any circumstance.
However, I can appreciate the seminarian's prayerful decision for him to not be an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion, if he feels it is personally wrong for him to touch the Host. It is not wrong by Holy Mother Church's determinations, from any documentation I have ever read.
In this case, the Church has allowed for the use of Extra-ordinary Ministers of Holy Communion and also has allowed for the Faithful to receive Him in the hand. I personally only receive on the tongue, although once a priest with Parkinson's asked me to receive in the hand, as he feared dropping Our Lord. While it is conceivable that some priests could over-use laity for assisting with distributing Communion, I cannot make that call, for I don't know what criteria used in individual parishes when they are deciding.
Yes, I personally am quite willing to wait in line longer, if there were to be only priests and deacons allowed to offer Jesus to the Faithful; but the fact remains that the Church has spoken on this matter, for now, and it is not wrong, then, to assist as an Extra-ordinary Minister of Holy Communion. In that, it would be wrong for me to not help when the priest asks for help. The Cathedral has this organized for so many to offer the Precious Blood and one person to offer His Body (and this not utilized when an additional priest there to offer the Hosts). People come in four lines, and thus eight are utilized. It is not my position to decide otherwise; it is decided by the Bishop and Rector. Thus, if help is needed, then help is offered in charity and by decree of the Church, with no wrong being done.
I pray this helps in what is my dilemma as an (incomplete) hermit, in discerning the service to the Church. In the guides for the eremitic life, service to the Church is optional. It is for me a question of what is too visible, not in what is allowed by the Church and of service as it stands for now. Perhaps when we have more priests again, laity will not be asked to help distribute Christ's Body and Blood. Surely not, for when in some Masses, there are many priests, laity are not utilized.
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